Transitioning Your High Schooler to Adulthood
High school graduation marks a big transition in your teen’s life (and also yours!). It is a happy time for celebration but can also lead to sadness when you and your teen think about the next chapter of their life - moving out and becoming an adult!
Check out episode 315 (birdsonawiremoms.com/podcast/episode315) of my podcast, Wire Talk, for specific thoughts on how to navigate this time of transition for your young adult and your family.
Addressing Homesickness
At some point, your child will most likely experience homesickness. Making connections at college or in their new adult working world, feeling like one belongs, getting involved in a community, attending events, and developing relationships with peers and faculty/staff/mentors/supervisors helps them get past the feeling of being homesick. Going home to parents does not cure homesickness. In fact, when my children and I attended their college orientations, I was told to do my best not to pick them up and bring them home for the first six weeks of school. Thank goodness for FaceTime - it’s a lifesaver!
Don’t Change Their Rooms
Young adults can face really difficult times! Passing exams, establishing new friendships, surviving in a new setting, and possibly questioning if college or their chosen career path is right for them. Having a place that is still "theirs" at home helps them feel a sense of security because part of their past and identity is still intact at home. Enjoy that you can still be there for them in this way!
Don’t Hold Their Hand
I remember one of my children coming home from college and telling me how their friend’s mom called him to wake him up every day, made sure he was getting to class on time, and checked in with him daily about his assignments. This mom is doing her child such a disservice!! She may think she's helping, but she is hurting her child by not allowing him to face his own consequences. Adult children need to learn how to manage and structure their time on their own! Figuring out time management and a sense of responsibility will include failures at first - that's why I'm always encouraging moms to start this process while your child is still at home. Making mistakes is a part of learning in life. By the time they leave home, they need to be navigating life on their own.
Not All Adult Children Will Pursue College and That is Okay!
Education is critical; college is not. There are numerous careers — in healthcare, technology, operations, transportation, and the building trades — that do not require a college degree. For those not attending college, there are important actions to take to transition into adulthood and a good career. It is important for parents to ensure their adult child takes steps to become independent after high school by encouraging continued growth and adult responsibilities.
Options for those not going to college:
Learn a Trade
Attend a Community College or Vocational School
Get a Job
Join the Military
Volunteer, Do Mission Work
15 ‘Don’t Go There’ Tips For Parents of College Freshmen, by Lisa Micele, Director of College Counseling at the University of Illinois
Don’t make their leaving all about you.
Don’t beat yourself up wondering if you prepared your child well enough for college.
Don’t be passive. Initiate conversation and discuss the new expectations of your relationship.
Don’t say “College is the best time of your life!” Be open with them about the highs and lows.
Don’t rescue your new freshman. Coach and empower them.
Don’t second-guess your child. Trust them. You will undermine their ability to make decisions.
Don’t monopolize their lives. Remember KISS (Keep It Short & Sweet) — with unobtrusive texts and quick “touch base” emails reminding them of your unconditional love and support.
Don’t talk too much. When you do connect through calls or video chats, ask open-ended questions and LISTEN more than you speak!
Don’t feel guilty. There are “new beginnings” and adventures awaiting both students and parents in this transition. It is okay to look forward to this new chapter in your life with excitement as well.
Don’t perpetuate the stigma. Talk openly about healthy social & emotional tools and mental health services on campus. Remind your student repeatedly that asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness.
Don’t turn their bedroom into a home gym. If changes will occur at home, discuss this with your freshman first. Maintain trust with your child.
Don’t encourage a “Fixed Mindset” (Carolyn Dweck, Ph.D.) by focusing on grades and outcomes. Instead, focus on embracing challenges; learning from mistakes; persistence & effort.
Don’t be an open ATM for your student. Talk about finances and set a budget.
Don’t make surprise visits to campus. Be respectful of your freshman & newfound independence. Plan ahead with proactive communication.
Don’t forget… your child will always need you!
Parents: Remember to attend all orientation events, visit the college website for specific transition tips, and be familiar with the college support services/resources on their new campus. You can do this too!
Resource Links for Parents of Graduating Seniors:
For college-bound students:
http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/letting-go-new-college-students/
http://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2016/08/25/emotions-college-students
For those not going to college:
https://www.livecareer.com/quintessential/college-alternatives
Birds on a Wire is a ministry that provides Godly, practical advice so that moms at any stage can feel celebrated, encouraged and equipped to parent with confidence. Karen Stubbs founded Birds on a Wire in 2011 to share her experiences as a mom and guide others through their motherhood journey. Through Mom Studies, books, the Wire Talk podcast, The Perch blogs, BOAW groups, in person events, and an active BOAW Mom's Group on Facebook, BOAW creates a welcoming community for moms to connect on topics that are meaningful to them. Follow us on social on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn or learn more about us at birdsonawiremoms.com.