This whole month at BOAW, we are focusing on our teenagers. For any mom who isn’t to that stage yet, I think it’s a valuable “sneak peek” at what is coming your way!

As your child moves into adolescence, your discipline should gradually transition from teaching to coaching. It’s time to loosen the reins and allow your child to begin making more decisions on their own.  As your child gets closer to the age of 18, they should really be making most decisions on their own.

Many times in disciplining our teens, we need to correct or advise with our words, and then back off. As hard as it may be, let them own the decision to change course or not, and let that be it. Do not rescue your child during this stage. If they choose not to study and fail a test, they fail a test. If they don’t pay close attention to their college applications and miss a deadline (let me tell you, I have been there and that is a painful one!) they NEED to feel the consequences of that action. You want them to make mistakes now, while the consequences aren’t quite as drastic as they will be when they are completely on their own.

This is where you’ll hopefully start to see the fruit of all the years you spent explaining the ‘why’ behind your rules. You’ll begin see the results of the heart conversations you had to build up a strength of character capable of withstanding challenges from peers, culture, and temptation.

All that said, you are still the parent! Remember that you are the adult, and the frontal lobe in your brain is fully developed, but the one in your 18 year old’s brain is not. You will need to put your foot down on certain occasions or provide guidance as your child makes choices, but choose your moments carefully. You can take action like setting a curfew, taking the keys away if they are driving, or making them miss a special event they want to attend. But I really tried to talk to my teenager more than taking action. Greg and I saved the action for the really big stuff. If they are mature enough, they can handle a good talk.

These years require patience from a mom, and your main focus needs to be on allowing natural consequences to play out in your teen’s life. Remember my favorite discipline verse:

“NO DISCIPLINE SEEMS PLEASANT AT THE TIME, BUT PAINFUL. LATER ON, HOWEVER, IT PRODUCES A HARVEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND PEACE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN TRAINED BY IT.”

HEBREWS 12:11 

Wisdom is gained through knowledge, time, and experience. If we are in the habit of rescuing constantly or if we make choices for our children because we fear they might mess up too much, we are denying them an opportunity to gain wisdom which will serve them well in adulthood.

If you want more wisdom on disciplining children at an earlier age, listen to our full discipline series on Wire Talk (episodes 154, 155, and 156) or on the blog (see Discipline: The Teaching Years (6-12) and Discipline: Laying a Firm Foundation (0-5))