WT 272: Dealing With Your Anger Issues
Whether you are dealing with your own anger or angry outbursts from a child or spouse, in this episode Karen and Sunny offer encouragement and practical strategies you can implement in your home today. From anger that explodes when your kids won't behave to anger that simmers under the surface from feeling unappreciated, today's conversation covers it all with biblical wisdom and practical nuggets to help you find hope moving forward. This is a great one to share with a friend or discuss in your women's group this week.
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Question 1: My kiddos are 7 months, 3, & 5. I would love to hear some tips for how to curb that angry feeling in the moment when I’m losing control such as when kids aren’t listening. If I end up yelling after repeatedly asking my kids to do something (using other strategies) and they still don’t listen...I feel absolutely horrible...that’s when I need help! I pray and pray but would also love some tips and resources. Thank you!
Karen’s Answer: Great question. Okay, here are my top three ways to keep your cool:
Don’t give your child so many chances. Ask them to do whatever it is , and if they don’t then give them a consequence. For instance, if your child is watching t.v. and you say, “come set the table please.” They sit there and don’t move, then go turn off the t.v. and say, “I asked you to set the table.” If they argue back with you, say, “If you keep arguing you will lose your t.v. privilege for the rest of the day.” Then walk away.
Take your emotions out of it. It’s not personal, your child is trying to see what they can get away with, plain and simple. So, let them know clearly where the line is.
Count to 10 to regain your composure, then try it again. Sometimes you just need to take a breath and then try again.
My biggest advice is to take the emotions out of it. Look at this like it’s any other job or task you have to do. When you get emotional you lose your leverage.
Question 2: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He's a red, and I'm a blue. He has no patience with our 8yr old and 6yr old, and frequently yells at them. I'm by no means perfect and do occasionally yell, but I try my hardest not to get to that point. I worry about the damage that's being done to his relationship with our kids, especially as our kids get older. Our son is a red, which I think escalates things between the two of them faster. I'm so sick of the yelling, and over the years, I've signed us up for parenting classes, couples counseling, read parenting books, we've had discussions about it more times than I can count, etc. He participates but nothing changes long-term. Is this just my life? Is there any hope? What can I do?
Karen’s Answer: I can’t answer if this is your life, I can say that people can change, but they have to be the one that changes. Has your child ever had a conversation with their dad and been honest with him? For instance, “Dad it really bothers me when you yell. It scares me. What can I do to help you not yell at me?” That might make the biggest change for your husband. Yelling is all of our “go-to”, and we must practice self control not to yell. Self control is a fruit of the spirit, so it is directly connected to your husband’s walk with the Lord. I know you don’t have control over that either, but it’s good to know sometimes. ☺
Question 3: I think I become angry (also I'm a Red) because I really am in a stage in life, marriage, and parenting, where I'm seeing crystal clear all the things I do and take care of that no one else even bothers or even thinks about for one millisecond. Its very disheartening at times and makes me really really feel lonely and unloved. My husband is a green and procrastination should literally be his name. Reds and greens have a hard time together which is what we are. And it's just been exhausting our whole marriage and parenting life.
Karen’s Answer: Oh! sweet momma! I really wish I could give you a hug!!! Okay, this is going to be some tough love, but please know I do love you and want the best for you. It sounds to me, you are frustrated, spent, and your love cup is completely empty. I think you need to asses where you are, and why you are doing all that you are doing. I hear what you are saying, that you are doing everything. I get that. What I have found with the Reds in my life, and I am partial Red, is you don’t mind doing the work, but you want credit for the work. For your own sake, you have to stop keeping score. Don’t shoot me, I promise I am for you right now. But, keeping score is only going to keep you really angry at your husband. So, figure out, what are the things in your household that you are willing to do, whether anyone sees them, recognizes them or not. The stuff that you don’t want to do, don’t like doing, like the yard work possibly, tell your husband if he doesn’t do it, that is fine, but you are hiring a yard boy to do it.
Being a mom is hard, and the majority of the work does fall on our shoulders, so you have to stop keeping score, and realize this is your job, and do it with a good attitude. I get it!!! When Greg was traveling so much, averaging 4-5 days a month home, and I had 4 little children. I was EXACTLY where you are. Every day, as I would do all my stuff, I would think about Greg and how he wasn’t doing any of it, because he was gone. But, the more I focused on it, the more bitter I got. Finally, I had to just stop keeping score. Stop thinking life wasn’t fair and start doing my job of being a mom. It didn’t matter if it was fair, what mattered is I was a good mom, taking care of my children, and a loving wife. I started looking to God to meet my needs and stopped looking at Greg to meet my needs and that alone is what turned my life around. It took about two years, truly giving God my day every morning and being thankful that I had four healthy children, etc.
As far as you saying, “Reds and Greens don’t get along,” well, that is not true. You have been listening to a lie from the enemy. I’ve heard it too, because Yellow’s and Blues don’t get along either. We are opposites, but truth is, you need your Green husband and he needs your Redness in his life. It might be a lot of work, but after 35 years of marriage, I can tell you anything worth having is work. Right now you are just operating out of your weakness, so don’t worry about your husband, just focus on you right now, and start looking to the Lord to meet your needs.
If your children are older than 4 get them to start helping around the house. You may not can do anything about your husband but you can put your children to work! It is good for them. I love ya!
Question 4: Ok, so there is this thing going around social media about “choosing your emotions.” Like, if I’m having a hard day I have the power to choose joy and peace. However it’s not always easy to do it!! And it’s making me angry every time I hear it. The idea that I just have to ‘choose joy’. I know I have to practice it and I’ll get there. But how do you move forward to the “I’m going to choose joy”? I’m trying!! I promise!
Karen’s Answer: I hear you. I know you are trying and I know it’s hard. Just because you are choosing joy doesn’t mean you have to love your circumstances in your life. I haven’t seen the phrase “choose joy” on social media, but believe it or not, I’m not on social media that much. I think we can have a positive attitude and look for things to be grateful for in whatever circumstance we are in, but let’s also be real, somedays you just can’t wait to go to bed so you can start over tomorrow! ☺ Give yourself grace- you are trying and that is good.
Question 5: Anger runs in my family, idk if it’s a generational curse or just learned behaviors but i see if developing in my son and it grieves me. Would love ideas of how to “love” the anger out of your kids, ESPECIALLY those reds.
Karen’s Answer: Well, I think it’s more of the mindset we have to teach our child through anger. People continue to have anger issues because they get what they want. We as moms have to not give into our child’s fits of anger, and do the hard stuff by holding out and teaching them how to react in the right way. Don’t reward the anger, if you do it will keep happening. Teach them the way they should go.
Question 6: I struggle big time with anger, and my temper, and it's showing in my son. I am also very sensitive to tone of voice, and disrespect. I get very upset when my son speaks to me, or anyone else, in a bad tone, whines, back talks etc. I am at a complete loss as to how to not only deal with my own temper, but how to handle my son when he is like this, and how to help him with his own temper
Karen’s Answer: I think you need to answer the question, “what is really at the core of making you angry when your son has a bad tone, whines, back talks, etc.” Because until you answer that question, you won’t ever solve your anger. Some reasons could be:
You aren’t in control?
It’s embarrassing
It’s annoying?
Once you identify the core reason, then you can address that. For instance, if it’s embarrassing, just realize your child will embarrass you at times, I know mine did. But, we are the mom and we have to push past that and teach them.
Your child is going to mess up, because he is a child and is learning. You need to gain control of your emotions, learn to let the small stuff go and focus on teaching your child the right way to respond. I know that takes more time, but that is the way a child learns. You getting angry with him, is only frustrating both of you.
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