WT 274: Talking With Your Kids About Sex
Whether your child is 7 or 17, talking with them about sex and sexuality is often a little bit awkward. Today Karen offer no-nonsense advice on how to approach these conversations without going too deep or avoiding the topic altogether. We cover periods, puberty, TV, and TMI today's show, so pop in your earbuds and join us for a good one! ;)
Mentioned in this episode:
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Created by God by James H. Ritchie (there is also a parent guide to this student resource)
What’s the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex (Book 3 in the series)
Facing the Facts The Truth About Sex and You (Book 4 in the series)
Use Common Sense Media to check out the content of shows and movies before you watch!
Question 1: My oldest child is 8yrs old and in 2nd grade. For a few months now he has asked about babies (how do they get in there? how do they get out? do you just ask God for a baby when you want one?)
I want to start "the talks" (I have the book by that name by Jennifer & Barrett Johnson). But the book "The Talks" seems to be more relevant to when kids start dating & how to safeguard against early intimacy. Do you have any specific resources or points of talking that you would recommend starting with at this age? I want to get it right.
Karen’s Answer: Getting it right, that is an easy thing to say and a harder thing to do. Here is the deal, your son is 8 years old and he is curious. Now, you don’t really know to what level of curiosity he is, so answer his questions, and then see if he has more. You can be vague in your answers, and see if he has follow up questions. For instance, How do babies get in there? You can answer, “God puts the baby in there.” “Do you ask God for a baby when you want one?” You can say, “Yes, Daddy and I asked God to give us a baby and then we found about we were pregnant with you and we were so happy. That might answer all of his questions, and you don’t have to get into the details of the sex talk. He will let you know. If he keeps asking the why questions then you keep answering his questions. You can easily break it down to a science lesson. But, sometimes they aren’t even thinking about sex, they are just curious. Start answering his questions, and see what level he is on with his questions.
Question 2: Growing up without brothers or really even a dad in the house I have enjoyed learning all about boys as my now 11 year old son has gone through each stage of childhood. He is now starting puberty and I want to learn about the different stages of puberty for boys. With my daughters growing up has been easier because I know about all of that from my own experience, but everything about boys has been a wonderful mystery to me. Thankfully my husband has done a great job of having all the talks with our son!! I’m fine with them keeping all the manly conversations between the two of them but I don’t like feeling clueless about this important stage for my boy. May be TMI but specifically I am wondering what in the world is the wet dream all about?? My son told my husband this happened recently. Apparently this isn’t him having sexual thoughts/ dreams but the body’s way of making all the “plumbing” work?? I’m so confused! My husband was just like... “awesome dude, you’re growing up.” Any resources for moms to understand the different stages of puberty for boys?
Karen’s Answer: I have heard the book, Created by God written by James H. Ritchie. Also, “What’s the Big Deal? Why God cares about sex” or “Facing the Facts the truth about sex and you” You can get it on Amazon. I’ve heard they cover everything. :) Thank goodness your husband is so hands on. :) What a blessing. I’d talk to your husband too, and get him to explain a few things ☺
Question 3: I just had to have the “period” talk with my 9 year old daughter because the neighbor girl who is a year older already has hers and told our girl about it. (This same girl told her Santa wasn’t real when she was 6!) Not only am I angry that this little girl is talking about this stuff with our daughter, I was not prepared for how heart broken I would feel taking away that little piece of innocence away. I sure hope I did a good job. I mean, I’ve been SORT of preparing for it, but I didn’t realize how quickly I would have to. And What in the WORLD do I do about this neighbor girl??? They have been close since we moved in 5 years ago and I know our daughter would be DEVASTATED if we said she couldn’t hang out with her anymore. But I’m worried she will say more things that I do NOT want to explain this early.
Karen’s Answer: I get it! We want to keep our children young and innocent as long as we can. Here is the deal, children let things out of the bag, and they don’t think anything of it. I know you aren’t ready to explain things this early, but in reality, when are we ever really ready for those conversations? The good news is you did have the conversation with your daughter, and now she will be prepared for her period when the time comes. I know it wasn’t in your timing, and I’m sorry, and the neighbor child shouldn’t have over stepped her boundaries, but in her mind, what is the big deal. It does sound like the neighbor girl is a little more mature in the ways of the world, and if you don’t like that for your daughter, keep in mind you are the mom. You can still control a lot of that when your daughter is 9. You can limit their time together and have them play at your house and keep an open ear to what is going on. If you think the neighbor girl is a little too fast for your daughter, I’d start creating a little more space in between them.
Question 4: One of my boys is quite fond of his privates, this started when he was an infant and it's still happening now at age 7. I have heard that this is very normal, yet nobody has been able to give me advice! What is the conversation I should be having with him at this age? I want to foster a healthy family culture around sexuality.
Karen’s Answer: It can be very normal. I would try and not make a big deal out of it, I would just say, we don’t touch our private parts in public. If he is doing that at home while everyone is watching tv together, tell him if he wants to do that then he needs to go to his room. The bigger deal you make of it the bigger deal it will be. Try your best to ignore it. If it keeps up, talk to the pediatrician.
Question 5: My daughters and I love to watch TV together - but it seems like every show on TV revolves around sex in some way or another. I can deal with innuendos here and there, but it just all feels over the top now. Or maybe I'm just now noticing since I am watching with a young audience. Karen, did you run into this? Did you just never watch TV together, or talk about when it happened?
Karen’s Answer: I know exactly what you are talking about. Yes, I ran into that a lot with my children. Honestly, we really tried to avoid those shows altogether, especially when our children were young. As the children got older, I would talk to them about it, and point out how Hollywood glamorizes sex, but the real world wasn’t like that. I found it helpful to talk about it, and it made for some really great discussion. Eventually I think you have to talk it through.
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