WT 271: Fostering a Great Relationship with your Teenage Son
A mom’s relationship with her son is by nature going to be different from her relationship with her daughter. Our boys usually pull away toward independence sooner than our girls and that’s okay! Today Karen shares her thoughts on maintaining your connection with older boys while still being the adult. We cover how to find common ground with your newly independent teen, what to do about disrespectful behavior, navigating a rebellious college student coming back home, and how to instill character in your boys all along the way. If you’re a girl mom, be sure to go back and listen to episode 265 where Karen shares all the wisdom on teenage daughters!
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Question 1: My 16 yr old son and I used to have a close relationship, but these days I am finding it hard to connect beyond surface level topics with him. Any suggestions for restoring the kind of closeness we had when he was 12, or do I have to wait this out until he’s older?
Karen’s Answer: I think as moms, during this stage of our child’s growth, we just have to give our sons some space. It’s not that he’s not close to you, but maybe he is just not as willing to share everything. I would create spaces where he feels comfortable to talk to you, and always have an open invitation, but don’t force it. When Taylor hit this age, I tried to get on his level. Taylor was a golfer, so I would go to the golf course with him, watch him play, walk the course, or ride in the golf cart with him just to spend time with him. It was on his turf, and he was open to it. What is your son into these days? Try to get into his world. But, keep in mind, he’s growing up and becoming more independent. It’s okay, be able to change with him. I know it’s hard, but give him a little space.
Question 2: How do you handle the talking back, comment for everything, mouthiness? My 14 year old son is a good kid and really does have a desire to do what is right. On the other hand he also likes a reason behind everything, questions everything, and has started having a smart remark for everything we say it feels like.
I know when my husband and I were growing up we had more fear of our parents because we knew they would still take us down regardless of how old we were. Sometimes I wonder if we should parent more like our parents did in the 80s and 90s. My husband did tell him today that maybe we needed to go back to vinegar or soap on the tongue like when he was little. Anyway, just looking for some wisdom and tips for parenting teens when it comes to this particular issue.
Karen’s Answer: I love your logic. I am with you! I always had a good dose of fear with my dad too. I do however think we can get our point across more in the style of 2021! First off, don’t tolerate it. Shut him down. Tell him, “If you are going to be a smart mouth with me, then I am not engaging in conversation with you.” If he keeps it up, then take away some of his privileges until he shows a more mature attitude. At 14 he’s just trying to see what he can get away with, so don’t let him go past where you want. I do think our children these days are way more entitled than we ever were, and they need to learn to respect the authority, whether they agree or not. I did call Taylor out in front of his friends one time, and he stopped it. It really embarrassed him, but I was tired of it. Find your boundaries.
Question 3: Our 18 year old son came home for Easter, and well… got arrested (will be in jail at least 3 weeks), and we find out he’s been sleeping with his girlfriend, drinking, and smoking pot. So, Yeah. WOW! He’s been going to church, reading his Bible, and attending a Bible studying semi-regularly. But what a duplicitous life he’s leading!
Most likely he’ll get out in a few weeks but be on probation with mandatory counseling and community service. He will be home for the summer and then we’ll basically have to have him go back to curfews and phone monitoring, etc. since he’s under our roof and we have 3 other boys. Or he can go into the military. So, now what? Any words of wisdom for me and my husband?
Karen’s Answer: This is a tough one for sure. Okay, I would sit him down and have a very mature conversation with him. I would ask him how does it feel living this double lifestyle? Let him know that you want to be there for him, you love him, and will support him. I do think he has already “paid” for his poor choices in life, and that is good, I wouldn’t necessarily double down on the punishment. I would think three weeks in jail, plus counseling and community service will teach him all he will need to know about the real world. I agree with a curfew at your house, but not sure what monitoring his phone will do. I of course would be praying about your heart and attitude towards him. I know you are hurt, and I get it. I would be crushed too, but when you talk to him, stay calm and loving, but firm. Start with a real conversation. Truly listen to him, he may already regret his decisions so give him some space to let you know that.
Question 4: I know you had a list of character traits that mattered to you and Greg for your kids to develop, but how did you actually practically teach those things? How do I teach courage? Integrity? Are these just conversations or are there practical things we can do to encourage these things?
Karen’s Answer: Great question! Okay, courage- being brave. Gosh there are lots of ways you can teach courage. It’s usually through conversations. With Taylor we would talk about different types of courage, one standing up for what is right you must be brave because it’s hard. Being courageous at school and making the right choices. I also think the Navy helped Taylor see that he was serving his country, which is courageous. We also modeled the traits, which Taylor would see on a regular basis.
Integrity- that was taught through making the choice to be honest in the small things as well as the big things. Never cheating or lying to anyone. A man of integrity is trustworthy, honest, has a good work ethic. I think mission trips really gave Taylor an avenue to practice these traits, as well as at home and at school.
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