WT 312: How Do I Respectfully Deal With My Difficult Mother?
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WT 312: How Do I Respectfully Deal With My Difficult Mother?
If you had a difficult relationship with your mom as a teenager, you may be shocked to find that the relationship gets even more complicated when you become a mom. On today’s episode, we are answering questions about boundaries, passive-aggressive behavior, expectations and we even have a question that a teen emailed us… a first for Wire Talk!
Mentioned on this episode:
Question 1: I recently discovered your podcast and love it! Thank you! I struggle with how to navigate my relationship with my mom in a healthy way. I would love your perspective as a mom of adult children. How can I best communicate with her about my and my family’s needs? For example: My mom lives across the country. She is currently thinking about coming here for an extended period of time. I love the idea of her getting to spend some additional time with my kids, but I struggle with how to communicate boundaries. I get the sense that she wants to come here to be the knight in shining armor who she has decided I need -- but this isn't something that I have said, nor do I want. Whenever I try to communicate my wishes and needs, she gets her feelings hurt and gets angry. Thank you for your advice!
Karen’s Answer: Whew! This one is hard, because we all want to please our moms. I would just tell your mom, “Hey, I am so excited you want to come for a visit, but please don’t worry about helping me when you are here, let’s just enjoy each other. You probably won’t stay for more than a week, so let’s just use that limited time doing fun things and visiting with one another. I really want you to enjoy your time with me and the children.” Then, when your mom comes, if she starts giving you unwanted advice, just say, “mom, I appreciate your input, but I’m not looking for any help right now on this situation. I was just venting to you.” If the above answer is too harsh for you, and her, then try and set expectations before she comes. You can do this by asking her how long she plans on visiting, ask her what all she would like to do while she is visiting and then you can suggest the fun things, so she understands you are not needing help just the company.
Question 2: The good news? I love my mom and my mom loves my kids! The not so good news is that we are both reds and disagree about what's good for them. I've cut back seeing my mom from multiple times a week to once a week or even every other week because she's constantly giving them sugar or getting mad at me for not letting them have more screen time. She calls me controlling. If I say, "Yes, the kids can spend the night, but please don't take them to dinner, I'm worried about Covid rates," she does the opposite. I’ll say, "yes, you can take the kids in your car, but bring them right home" and she’ll take them to lunch!! When I get upset, she'll be angry for weeks, which makes me an emotional wreck. How can I help my kids have a relationship with their grandmother while maintaining my sanity?
Karen’s Answer:Whew! This is a hard one. You are doing the right things, your mom is not respecting your boundaries, which makes it very hard. You may need to have a hard conversation with her, telling her you love her, but you can’t trust what she says. Give her examples. Say, “Mom, if you tell me you are coming right home, that is what I am planning on. I need you to be true to your word.” If your mom pushes back, remember YOU are the mom! Not her.
Question 3: My mom has listened to your podcast for many years. She has done the personality colors test on everyone in my family so she can learn how to parent/interact with us. I would like some advice on how to talk to my mom. She is a Blue Red, anytime I try to talk to her about an issue I feel like she just gets defensive and does not want to listen to what I have to say. I am a red teenager so it aggravates me when I feel like she does not want to listen or gives me a lecture on how I can improve when I point out something (that in my opinion) she did incorrectly.
How should I go about communicating with her when I feel that there is an issue? Being a blue, my mother expects the house to be spotless and us kids to do our jobs perfectly. I understand that she wants to have a clean house, but to me it feels like us kids do a lot of work to keep the house this way. This might be a normal amount of work but I have talked to a lot of my friends and they are always surprised about how much work I do around the house. I recently had a friend ask me if I ever have fun. How much work should an adolescent be expected to do? I want to make sure I have an issue before I talk to her about it. Thank you so so much for your time!!
Karen’s Answer: First off, THANK YOU for writing in your question about your relationship with your mom. ☺ I think you are our first child to write in a question. Okay, so if your mom is a Blue, her main core needs are Sensitivity, Space, Silence, Support. Those are her needs. Yours as a Red, are Sense of Control, Loyalty, Appreciation and Credit for Work. I think an activity you and your mom should do together is to define what your needs are.
My daughter, Abby who is a Red, and I am a Yellow, did this activity and it truly changed the way we saw and understood each other. Also, keep in mind by you doing your chores, that is a way that you are supporting your mom. That is a tangible way you can show love to your mom. If you feel the chores are too much, then sit down with her and tell her how you feel and why. Blues can be sensitive, they usually are, so the way you set it up with her could make all the difference in the world. You can say, “Mom I would love to pick a time to sit down and have a conversation with you about the chores. I would love for you to come to the table with an open mind and just to listen to my thoughts.” Relationships are always an ongoing process. If it weren’t these issues it would be something else. (even with my children) We all have to fight to understand another person’s perspective.
The fact that you wrote in your question shows how much you love your mom and you want to get it right. Good for you! Not many children would go that extra mile. You also might want to give your mom some ideas on things y’all could do together that is fun. She may need extra help in that area. Good luck!
Question 4: I need advice about handling my mom. My mom has Expectations. Yes, Expectations with a capital E. She Expects to see my kids at least once a week, ideally on a weekend day for dinner, and is pushing for the kids (and therefore us - she lives an hour away!) spending a whole day there, weekly. This is an issue for us - I work full-time, I get home late after a long commute, the baby still naps, etc. etc. I just CAN'T do every weekend, let alone a full day! (I'm also edging uncomfortably close to a burn-out, I really don't have that much wiggle room to give, here)
She won't discuss this with words - with words, she'll be like 'oh, I'm not pressuring, I know how demanding life is' and I'll respond 'Thank you! This is what we can do, we can't wait to see you in two weeks!' …and then I get met with guilt trips, snippy comments and the cold shoulder. How do you deal with setting boundaries and holding firm on the passive-aggressive nonsense without rage? Honestly, I just want to stop answering the phone and go to bed and sleep for a year and not deal until then. I'm so tired I could cry.
Karen’s Answer: I’m tired for you! So proud of your response to your mom, that is perfect. How do you deal with passive aggressive behavior? Turn a deaf ear to it, and realize she is just trying to manipulate you, make you feel guilty, but you haven’t done anything wrong. I would even suggest going once a month to your mom’s house, and if she wants to come to your house in between she is welcome, but twice a month, for a two- hour round trip drive plus working full time during the week is A LOT. I say, keep up your boundaries, and realize that her expectations are on her not you. Do what works for you and your family. Try not to feel guilty. You haven’t committed a sin, so there is no need for guilt.
If you have a question about motherhood we want to hear it, so make sure you visit birdsonawiremoms.com/askkaren and tune in each week to see if we cover your question. You can also find on us on Instagram and Facebook, so follow us over there and send questions our way on social media as well.
Moms, we know your time is precious. Thank you for spending it with us. We hope you feel encouraged, equipped and most importantly—the peace of God. You can receive encouragement each week by tuning in to Wire Talk; so subscribe today and be sure you never miss an episode.