Disagreement is inevitable in any relationship and marriage is no exception. When you’re parenting together, and your husband has his own way of doing things, disagreements cause even greater tension. Today we’re answering your questions about conflict with your husband, everything from planning date nights and handling criticism to riding motorcycles with the kids!

Mentioned on today’s episode:

Wild At Heart

WT 197: Creative Date Nights

Survival Guide to Motherhood (ages 0-5)

Question 1: My husband and I are at an impasse. He really wants to take our kids (ages 7 and 10) on his motorcycle and the very thought of it terrifies me. He is an excellent driver, but I’m worried about other drivers. Maybe they could go on hundreds of rides together safely, but one mistake by one driver and our lives are forever altered. The stakes are too high in my opinion and there are plenty of other hobbies they can enjoy together. This is something he really wants to share with them and of course, I want him to be able to enjoy his hobbies with the kids, but I’m really nervous. I try to trust God with their safety, but I also believe God wants us to make wise decisions and not put our kids in harm’s way. It has become a big point of contention for us. As much as I’m convinced it’s unsafe, he’s convinced it’s safe. Our relationship is strong otherwise. What should I do? I feel like my options are, stand my ground and trust my gut, but keep disappointing my husband and keep having this same argument for years; or give in and risk the kids' safety. Thanks.

Karen’s Answer: Whew! This is a tough one! You are probably asking the wrong person, because I don’t like motorcycles.  I understand what you are saying 100%. My brother in law loves motorcycles, and had that connection with his father. They did it together and nothing bad ever happened. So, I can see what your husband is talking about. What if you compromised and said yes at a certain age? Like your sons can do it when they turn 12? (I’m just throwing an age out there) You may never feel at total peace, but if you do agree to it, and something were to happen you have to never say, “I told you so”. Anything could happen in life, and we can’t live our lives in fear. But, that is tough. I’ll be praying for your situation.

Question 2: Question 2: Karen, I love your advice on everything! I first found you on RightNow Media. When I ran out of videos to watch, I found Wire Talk, and have been hooked ever since! My question is about my husband: he is both romance and gift challenged. I love him, and enjoy daily connections, like playing cards or simply watching a show together, but occasionally I want a date that feels romantic and special. I feel like he just doesn’t try any more (he used to do romantic things often!) and it makes me resentful. I don’t want to feel this way. By the way, I am red/yellow and he is green/blue. I know he’s capable of scheduling dates, because he plays Call of Duty with his cousin every week and he will set a time to play, and if we are doing something as a family, he’ll rush to get to his game, because his cousin is waiting. I want him to put in that same effort and dedication to doing something special and romantic with me! I don’t want it all the time -just a little effort on occasion.

I listened to your Wire Talk episode 197 -Creative Date Nights- recently and sent it to him and, after listening, his response was, “well, you can plan stuff too.” Am I wrong that I want him to plan something first? What advice do you have for me to cope with or embrace the fact that my husband isn’t going to fill my romance tank? Thank you for any and all advice, prayers, and suggestions. I love your show!

Karen’s Answer: I understand 100% what you are saying about your romance tank. What if you and your husband sat down and made a list of ten things you would like to do together. You make a list of 10 and let him make a list of 10. Put all the 20 slips of paper into a glass and each week draw one out and no matter what is written down that is what you will do that day/night. :) That way it is even, things you like and things he likes. Tell him you “heard” what he said, “You can plan stuff too”, and this is your way of planning 20 date nights. :) See how that goes. 

Question 3: How do you handle your husband’s criticism when they point out something that could be improved? A few examples are comments about the children’s behavior needing improvement (which is mostly on me at this preschool age because he’s gone a lot), commenting that the floor is dirty (I don’t sweep after every meal, it feels exhausting), or how there are crumbs in the butter (again from the kiddos, who I’m responsible for). 

When I tell him it feels like a lot of criticism, he says that criticism is a good thing and shouldn’t we all want to improve ourselves? While that is technically true, it just really makes me feel down on myself. Sometimes I’m able to not let it bother me, but most times I feel so sensitive about it. I know that it is mostly from my own insecurity of not feeling good enough, I’m really hard on myself to start. I also know we can’t change the other person. So, what can I do to change the way I think / feel when negative comments are made about something I feel responsible for from a blue husband?

Karen’s Answer: Girl! I get you! If I’ve had this discussion with Greg once, I’ve had it a million times. Here is the deal: Blues cannot help themselves. But, in saying that, you are not wrong at all to speak up and tell him that he is doing it too much. I have told Greg, “I’m doing my best with the kids, you are gone a lot, and I know that is your job and you can’t help it, but when you criticize what I’m doing and I’m trying my best, it really brings me down.” 

I’ve also asked Greg not to criticize or “help” me by giving suggestions for a full 24 hours after he returns home. I did that years ago, and it has been a game changer. Maybe give your husband a word picture to put it into his world. Meaning, say to your husband, “ How would you feel if you finished a project at work, and you did your absolute best and your boss came back and criticized it? What if your boss did this to you every single day? How would that make you feel?” I know he is Blue, and criticism comes as natural to him as breathing, but he can learn to hold his tongue to be thoughtful to you. Another thing, when he does criticize, just say, “I’ll keep that in mind”. And MOVE on. Don’t let it get to you. :)

Question 4: I need some help! In September of 2018 I got divorced. Spent the next 3 years working on myself and making sure that my kids were taken care of while their dad did his thing. Dating, traveling, basically finding himself. In June of 2021 we reconnected and in Feb of 2022 we remarried. And as happy as I am about our story, my kids now have no respect for their dad. Lots of yelling on both ends. My daughter, who is 14, keeps saying that she wishes she lived in a different house than her dad. I am over all the fighting. With stars in my eyes and a full heart I thought we would all start over and live happily ever after, but this is not the case, I actually feel like we are all spreading further and further apart. Any advice?

Karen’s Answer: Life is hard isn’t it? Your children were deeply hurt when their father left to go find himself. I think you are going to have to give them time. Thank goodness, he came back and y’all are back together, but your children are still hurt. The man they counted on to be the rock in their world, just walked out the door and didn’t look back to see how they were doing. In those teen years, that is not easily forgotten. 

I think your daughter is afraid of letting her guard down, because what if he did it again? Her heart could not bear it, so her defense is to fight back and keep her heart cold against him. I’m not agreeing with her actions, just telling you what I think is happening.

Unfortunately you are all experiencing the consequences of some bad decisions.  I would get her into some counseling and let her talk out all of what she is feeling. When she is talking to you, I would validate what she is feeling and try not to defend your husband. I truly think some good counseling could help break down walls. And maybe eventually you could try family counseling with your husband if he is willing. 

Hopefully in due time your daughter will forgive and stop bringing it up, but she may have to live a little life herself and disappoint a few people that she truly loves to fully understand. In the meantime, lots of prayer and understanding for both sides. You are doing a great job trying to manage both sides, while I’m sure you have ALL the feelings as well.

Moms, we know your time is precious. Thank you for spending it with us. We hope you feel encouraged, equipped and most importantly—the peace of God. You can receive encouragement each week by tuning in to Wire Talk; so subscribe today and be sure you never miss an episode.

If you have a question about motherhood we want to hear it, so make sure you visit birdsonawiremoms.com/askkaren and tune in each week to see if we cover your question. You can also find on us on Instagram and Facebook, so follow us over there and send questions our way on social media as well.