WT 374: Prioritizing Your Marriage (Over Your Kids!) [RE-AIR]
It’s natural that our kids try to “trump” their dad and become the priority in a mom’s world, but your husband came first! And like Karen always says, you want him to be there after the kids leave home. Join the conversation today as we tackle your questions about keeping your spouse #1.
Mentioned on today’s show:
A Grown Up’s Guide to Kids Wiring
Question 1: How do you all handle your kids interrupting? It is a major trigger for me when my kids interrupt. It seems like as soon as my husband and I start talking or I get on the phone my kids (4 & 7) immediately start trying to talk to us.
Karen’s Answer: That used to drive me crazy too. It’s a teaching moment, and you just have to stay on your children until they finally stop. When my children would interrupt I would stop my conversation and say, “Excuse me, what am I doing here?” They would answer, “Talking to Dad”, I would say, “That’s right, you need to wait your turn, until we are finished talking.” I did this routine so many times I lost count. Sometimes I would have to punish them just to let them know I wasn’t joking around. Greg would do the same thing. After a while they got it.
Question 2: My husband and 11 yr old daughter clash- a lot. She's red and he is predominantly red, too. He often will not back down from conflict. I've coached him to be more firm than military.... my other two older daughters often look at him like "what are you doing?" They realize his treatment of her is unfair and harsh. I do call him on it in front on the girls (as respectfully as I can). My heart hurts at how my daughter feels and I also hurt thinking that he is damaging this relationship, and potentially between the two of us and between him and the other daughters. P.S. He is open to counseling.
Karen’s Answer: That is wonderful that he is open to counseling. If you live in the Atlanta area, I would highly recommend Kathleen Edelman, and even if you do not I hear she does Zoom calls. In the meantime a good book for reference is A Grown Up’s Guide to Kid’s Wiring by Kathleen Edelman. Keep in mind the four needs of a Red: Loyalty, Sense of Control, Credit for Work and Appreciation. Your husband has those same 4 needs, so you have two people who are both fighting for the same things, and probably neither one of them want to yield. I interviewed my daughter, Abby who is a strong Red, on October 5 on Wire Talk, it might be worth a listen for your husband to listen to it and see how we navigated those hard times. I talked a lot about our conflict. Since your husband is the adult, the onus is on him to go the extra mile to understand and connect with his daughter. Counseling would be good too for him to start seeing the world from his daughter’s perspective and how to control his anger .
Question 3: What do you do when your best adulting skills just are not good enough? I just can't cook, keep the house clean, do all my chores and take care of my 3 little kids. I know lots of people can - I am just not one of them. The laundry is always piled up and we eat out too much because I didn't get to the grocery store etc. The house is always usable but never pretty. This is a big problem for my husband and I want to honor his desire for a well-run home, but I don't know how to fix it.
My kids are 5, 2 and 9 weeks. Although they want to always help it just makes things take longer. Definitely feeling defeated...do I go back to work full time and just hire a stranger to watch my kids and help around the house?
Karen’s Answer: Phew girl! You have a lot going on!!! First off, take a deep breath, it’s going to be okay. You are in the trenches to be sure. I would for sure enlist your husband’s help since a well run home is at the top of his list. ☺ When my children were this age, and I felt like I was drowning what helped me the most was trying to section off my “to do” list to where everyday it wasn’t everything. Meaning, I would only do laundry certain days of the week. I used my crock pot- a lot! I made easy quick meals that didn’t take a lot of prep work. I would try and cook dinner while my littles were taking a nap. I also hired a baby sitter a few times a week so I could run to the grocery store by myself and I could think! On the weekends try to meal prep as much as you can. The more organized you can get the better it would be for you. Since organization might be hard for you, given the ages of your children, I’d enlist your husband’s help and ask him to lend an extra set of hands during this stressful season of your life. I don’t think going back to work is the answer, unless that is your heart’s desire, it honestly will only complicate things. I’d try these ideas and see what works, and keep working on it until you can find a little rhythm. As far as the house goes, if it is functional but never pretty, don’t worry about that! While your children are little functional is way more important than being pretty! Oh and stay off social media, no need to let that bring you down everyday. ☺ This is a tough season! Give yourself some grace and take it one day at a time!
Question 4: My husband just got a job offer he can’t refuse that requires us moving to another city. We have 11 1/2 yr old and 13 yr old daughters and he’s most worried about disappointing our 13 yr old about the move since she hates change.
How can we tell them that this move is best all around for our family, that daddy will be home every night and get to see his girls instead of driving 15+ hours and staying away all week, coming home on Friday night, then leaving Monday before they wake up? That we won’t have to worry where the money for things will come from and that I will get to still be a STAHM for them? I want to show a united front, but my heart also aches for them.
The girls and I will stay put until the end of school so we won’t disrupt the school pattern and dad will get an apartment to rent til we find a home for us.
Karen’s Answer: Hey there, you tell your girls exactly what you just wrote out. This is the best decision for your family. They may not like it right now, but in the long run it is the best. Your daughters will adjust, I promise. It will take some time, but they will find new friends, and their home life will be better with dad around and not as much stress. I would be very positive and look at this move like it is an adventure and start diving into all the great new things their new city offers. Of course listen to your daughters and hear their worries/concerns, but then point them to see the positive side of things. You’ve got to realize that you as the adults are making the best decision for your family as a whole, when you start to feel guilty, let it go and know you are doing a good thing for your family.
Question 5: My 14 year old is green/blue and my husband is yellow/red. I recently pointed out that my son's communication style is not the same as his, and requested that he give him more space when he's going through stuff. My husband is having a REALLY hard time comprehending the concept of letting him sulk- he thinks he will go to dark places by feeling sorry for himself. He's become defensive and thinks I'm trying to control how to be his dad.
During our last conversation I reassured him I am on his side and I think he's a wonderful dad, but what he's done so far has not worked so why not give this a try? I suggested he read Personality Plus and listen to your podcasts about blues but now he thinks I'm trying to force it on him. I am green/blue. How can I influence him for my son's sake?
Karen’s Answer: Maybe have your son sit down with his dad and tell him the “why” behind the space. Suggest to your husband that you compromise and set aside a certain amount of time for the space, but not let it go on indefinitely. Your husband’s natural ability to connect with people is coming out and Yellow’s don’t need any space to process things, so it is a foreign concept to him. Maybe if your son have a heart to heart conversation with his dad, that will appeal to him.
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