WT 391: Staying Engaged When You Want to Throw in the Towel
Photo by Mark Zamora on Unsplash
Have your ‘say’ match your ‘do’ mom! That’s the theme of this episode as Karen answers questions from moms who are fed up, exhausted, or on the struggle bus in some form or fashion when it comes to parenting. We talk about going to the Lord in prayer first, finding your child’s “currency”, and looking for small wins during seasons you are stretched thin. No matter how old your child is, this episode is going to encourage your heart!
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Question 1: I feel like I’m failing at being consistent. For example, I’ve tried a pom pom jar, star chart, and chore chart and have eventually given up on each because it’s so hard to keep up with esp. with our ages, 6 4, and 2. I’d love to hear more about how and with what to be consistent as a mom of littles! Thanks for all y’all do!
Karen’s Answer: When I say be consistent I am talking about your words mostly. If you say, “Don’t do that or you will be punished”, then if they do it, you need to follow through and not give another idle threat. Children are smart, they learn us as parents as much as we learn them. They know when we are bluffing, or if we are not going to follow through. I was never consistent with chores, charts, etc but my children knew what I said I meant.
Question 2: I’m feeling defeated. I have a 7 year old (probably red) and a 5 year old who is definitely yellow. They have been acting so entitled and get offended at every little thing. If something doesn’t go their way, they pout, get angry (throwing things). I don’t give in and I send them to their rooms if they act like that. If it continues they lose iPad time and candy after dinner. It just won’t stop. It seems like if one of them breathes wrong, the other one has a melt down. I’m so tired of being a referee. The whining, the anger, the offense…I’m green so nothing ever really bothered me growing up. I am so go with the flow and it baffles me that my kids HAVE to have everything their way. I mean can’t we all just get along? Any encouragement appreciated!
Karen’s Answer: Hey there! Thank you for your question. Listen if the world was full of Greens we would all get along better! It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. My encouragement is to keep doing what you are doing. I am sure as a GREEN they are wearing you down, but don’t grow weary in doing good, in due time you will reap a reward. That is a promise in the Bible. (Galatians 6:9)
If your kids are acting entitled, then my one suggestion is to not give them so much. I think we all give our children WAY too much these days.
Question 3: I'm struggling. I'm a green/blue mom with 4 kids, ages 5 and under (to complicate my situation more the younger 2 are fosters). I feel like I have to be on everyone all the time at the same time. They all need/want my attention all the time. Toys are everywhere all the time. I try to make them pick up one box of toys before getting another out, but when I go to make lunch/ do dishes/ etc. everything gets destroyed.
My son has a tendency to antagonize the girls, the girls overreact, which gives him the reaction he wants. Pair this with a sensory sensitive blue child and a red child who thinks it's hilarious to bother her. Meanwhile yellow's completely oblivious because she's having fun. And the one year old is dumping clothes, toys and whatever else she can find on the floor.
This is literally all day every day. I've had (and continue to have) all the conversations. I send them to their separate rooms. I'm just exhausted, honestly. I feel like I'm failing all day every day. I've started pastoral counseling every other week. I've started attending Wednesday night Bible study. I try to do my devotions, but I struggle to get up before yellow and red. Pair this with the stress and anxiety of working with DCS (department of child services for my fosters) and you have the mess that is currently me.
Karen’s Answer: Hey sweet mom! You are NOT failing and you are not a mess. You are doing the best you can with a very hard situation. Good grief, 4 children under 5!!! That is hard, would be hard for Superwoman, and I don’t think she could do it. Give yourself some grace. With the older two, if they made a mess, I would not allow them to move into another room to play until they cleaned up their mess. I would literally stand over them until every single toy was picked up and put away. When the boy aggravates the girl to get a rise out of her, I would give him more chores to do. With boys you have to keep them busy, because they love to aggravate. My practical tip is to stay consistent with holding their feet to the fire in putting away their messes. If they don’t then I would take ½ the toys and put them in the attic or better yet, take them to Goodwill so it’s more manageable.
Question 4: Looking for advice before I go insane. I have three girls and the middle one is 7-years-old and a yellow. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get her to pick up after herself without staying on her constantly. I am so tired of it. She leaves her bath towel and clothes on the floor. Drops her shoes, bookbag, jacket on the floor when she gets home from school (although has gotten slightly better with this). They have a playroom and it takes her hours and me nagging to get her to help clean up.
I should note that I try to give her grace because she has ADHD but I have the same expectations for her as my other two - to do your share and clean up after yourself. I’ve tried to make it fun since she is a yellow but there is only so much of that I can do.
I asked her what the consequence should be if she doesn’t clean up after herself and she said no drawing for a week. That seems a little extreme to me because this girl loves drawing and I love that she does. I don’t want to take that away from her. Any ideas?
Karen’s Answer: Hey there, I think it’s fine that you have the same expectations for her to pick up after herself even if she does have ADHD she can learn skills. What I did was I started having my children pay me for every wet towel I picked up. My children hated giving up their money.
Great idea on asking her what her punishment should be, and I 100% would take away her drawing for a week. If that is what she loves then do it. She will learn the lesson. If you take away her drawing for a week, it’s not like you are taking it away forever. It was her idea. She’s telling you what her currency is, so follow that. Lay down the rules of what will happen if your Yellow doesn’t clean up after herself, and then follow through
Question 5: Hey Karen. I've been a listener for years, done all your Bible studies and I'm just wondering...when will we see the fruits of this labor. I'm a momma to a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and 4 month old with a husband who works out of town. I am struggling to keep up with the housework, shuffling kids to dr and therapy appointments and self care. I just feel like I'm drowning and when my husband does get to come home I don't feel like I'm even able to catch my breath before he leaves again. All the moms around me seem to cope just fine. What am I doing wrong here?
Karen’s Answer: I love your honesty. I truly believe the stage of life you are in right now is one of the hardest. Having a 3,2 and a 4 month old is no joke!!! I do not think you are doing anything wrong, it is a hard stage. BUT! It will get better, it just takes time for your littles to grow up a little bit. Your children are close in age, and in a few years that is going to be such a blessing, and I’m sure they will be close siblings, which is wonderful. In parenting, you don’t always see the fruits of your labor right away, that takes time. Take joy in the little wins. When your three year old obeys you, when your baby sleeps through the night, when your two year old tells you they love you for the first time, those are the fruits for a mom in the younger years. I think you are doing a great job! Don’t compare yourself to the moms around you, they are not necessarily in the same stage of life, with a 3,2, and 4 month old and a husband that travels. Give yourself grace. I know in those early years for me, my walk with the Lord was crucial. Even if all I did was in the morning pray and ask God for wisdom, and to help me get through the day. That always helped me, just knowing that I was not alone, but He was with me. I hope that helps! Do you have my devotional? If you send me your address I will send you one, my treat!!! :)