WT 393: Parenting With an Absent or Uninvolved Spouse
Photo by Jhon David on Unsplash
We know that for many moms, parenting solo is a daily reality. For whatever reason and for however long you are walking through this season, it is HARD. The questions in today’s conversation come from moms whose situations may sound like your own. We pray this episode encourages you today and points you to your heavenly Father, who always stands ready to meet your every need.
Mentioned on today’s show:
Watch today's episode on YouTube!
Take the BOAW Moms Colors quiz for insights into your particular temperament
Wire Talk is a part of the Christian Parenting Podcast Network. To find practical and spiritual advice to help you grow into the parent you want to be visit www.ChristianParenting.org
Question 1: I work full time, we have 4 kids, 7 y/o girl, twin 5 y/o girls, and a little boy who is 2.5. My husband travels for work at least 2-3 nights a week and sometimes weekends. My mom helps but most of the daily grind is on me. Especially the keeping up with the house/laundry/lunches/dinners/and the dreaded getting out the door in the morning for school, (which is a whole other conversation- lol)
I know your husband traveled a ton. I was hoping you could help me with my mindset. When he gets home, I expect him to be happy and 100% available for me and the kids but obviously he's a man and that's not quite the case. We have a good relationship but most everything falls on me and I think what I need most is a mindset shift. Thanks for all your advice and encouragement.
Karen’s Answer: The mind set that I had to develop was that my husband, Greg, worked hard too. In my mind, I always thought I worked harder than Greg and when he came home he should jump right in and help me. But, most of the time he was traveling back from overseas, and the jet lag alone would take him a few days to adjust. I would tell myself, “he’s not that tired”. Then he reminded me that he was flying all through the night while I was sleeping, and he had been awake for over 24 hours. (which is hard!) I did have to change my mindset and just tell myself, we are both tired and we both work hard, it’s just a different type of hard. But, it’s not a competition on who has it the hardest. That really helped me. And of course LOTS of prayer! Keep your blinders on, don’t compare yourself and how hard your job is with your husband. Just stay in your lane.
Question 2: Hey there Karen. My divorce was finalized two years ago and my ex is largely uninvolved in our kids’ lives. As they get older (they are 2 and 5 now) and start asking questions, what’s the best way to explain his reasons for being uninvolved without hurting them further?
Karen’s Answer: Great question, I believe you need to join your child in their grief, grief that their Dad isn’t around and not involved. This is a loss. Show empathy while resisting the urge to explain or fix the situation. Reflect back their emotion. You can be there for your child without bashing their dad. As they grow up and mature they will be able to “see” for themselves. Meet your child where they are.
Question 3: My husband just received a promotion with a new schedule where he will be gone Monday through Friday every week. I’m terrified of the adjustment - what are your tips and/or tricks for doing parenting mostly alone?
Karen’s Answer: I just got in the mindset of, “I’ve got to put my big girl panties on and suck it up! It is going to be hard, but God will give me what I need to do my job.” So my first tip is to stay in the Word. I know your time will be less, but hold onto God, and don’t let him go. Second tip is take out all the unnecessary things in your life. For me, I didn’t volunteer at the school or do any extra stuff like that. Third tip, start engaging your children with help around the house. With Dad gone, everyone has to pull their weight. Don’t give into the feeling of it being too hard, you can do hard things.
Question 4: How can I effectively co-parent with my ex when they are inconsistent or unwilling to cooperate in making important parenting decisions, like discipline and their education?
Karen’s Answer: Lots of prayer, and faith in the fact that God is bigger than your ex. I would pray that God would work it all out. You do the best you can when you have your children with you, and lay the rest at God’s feet. There are a lot of times when things are out of our control, this is no different. God is bigger!