What Kinds of Questions Are You Asking?

The high school years are the coaching years. When your kids are this age, it’s time to begin thinking of yourself more like a coach as your child moves toward leaving home and being independent. A good coach guides their student, provides insight and wisdom along the way, while still requiring their student to take responsibility for themselves. During these years, let your child’s actions determine their consequences.  Begin to let them start “owning” their own life, even if they fail, let them own that.  

On Wire Talk earlier this week, Sunny asked me, “what questions should we be asking our kids in this season?” and I really want to dig into that topic on the blog this week.

The questions you ask as a parent indicate to your child what’s important to you. If you are constantly asking your child questions like, “Hey, what grade did you make on that test today?” or, “Is coach starting you in the game this week?” or, “Did you get the lead in the school play?” you are communicating to your child that those things are important to you as a mom.

Be mindful of that.

There’s nothing wrong with caring about those things, but oftentimes we don’t think a whole lot about the motivation behind what we’re asking or we get into the habit of asking questions that don’t actually help us know our child better. Can you pivot toward asking coaching questions instead? Here are some examples:

“Tell me what you think about (i.e. soccer, the school play, your grades) right now?”

“What do you dream about?”

“Can you walk me through the steps of your plan of attack for _______________?”

“What causes you to feel anxious?”

“What brings you the most happiness?”

“What kinds of things help you when you feel overwhelmed?”

Your kids may not have great answers (or the answers YOU want them to have) right away. But that’s okay. Asking the questions gets them thinking and they’ll get there in time.