WT 111: Raising Older Girls
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Passport2Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Parenting Today’s Adolescent by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Welcome back to Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs mommas. And I have to tell you I am loving this little mini-series we’ve been doing Karen. We have gotten so much positive feedback from our boy mom episodes and from last week’s episode all about raising little girls. So I’m a little sad we’re wrapping up today with the final episode on Raising Older girls, but I know it’s going to be a great conversation, so I’m looking forward to it too.
Question 1: How do I battle the emotions and hormones of teenage girls while trying to keep a level head and teach them to have a level head and to make decisions with their brain and the holy spirit and not their hormones?!
Karen's Answer: It’s real! Keep in mind a few things:
Acknowledge the hormones and don’t discount them. I used to tell my girls, I understand you feel like you are coming out of your skin, and you want to laugh one minute and cry the next. I think having empathy with your girls brings influence.
Realize their brain is not fully developed.
Have lots of discussions. I used different things to communicate to my girls. For instance, Kelsey loved Whitney Houston when she was young. When Whitney went down, I would tell Kelsey, she had so much promise and talent, but Bobby Brown brought her down, with the influence of drugs and that is why it is so important on “who” you marry, “who” you hang out with, etc. (not sure if that made a difference or not, but I talked about it)
Also, with sex, I told my girls, I know you want a boyfriend, to feel wanted and loved. I get it. But, it’s not like the movies. I was very frank with the girls especially concerning sex. I told them, sex is wonderful, God created it to be good. But, man has dumbed it down to be just a sexual act, nothing intimate like in marriage. I described the clean up process after sex and told my girls, I didn’t want them feeling empty inside after having sex, and that is why it is important to wait until marriage, for someone that wants the best for you. Someone that is not going to talk about how good or bad you were, in the halls the next day at school.
I know all this stuff makes us moms sick to our stomachs, but this is part of being a mom. Think about it, how many of us women, would have loved for our mother to have had a “real” conversation with us, and not just said, “don’t do it”. Or worse, said nothing at all, and then we are left feeling empty inside, like why wasn’t it magical for me the first time? Maybe I did something wrong. We live in a very different day and age, most teens are acting out of their emotions all the time, and I believe we as parents, need to step in and help them think through their actions. Breathe! One day at a time. Also, to do this part of mothering well, you need to be drawing closer to your heavenly father. There is nothing that can push a moms buttons like a teenager, you are going to need all of Jesus you can get!
Question 2: My daughter is in 8th grade and 13 yrs old. She is very insecure and is constantly gossiping about other girls. I have noticed on some of her texts that she is being two-faced. Need all the help / recommendations you can give me!
Karen's Answer: Most all if not ALL 8th grade girls are insecure. Even the confident ones are insecure. I think you just tell her how gossiping always end up hurting someone and eventually she will be hurt. Eventually she will end up not being trusted by her friends, and you don’t want that for her. She is gossiping, more than likely because she doesn’t want to be left out of the loop, and the person who knows all the gossip is the most popular usually. Knowing the gossip helps her feel more secure. But, you and I know it is a trap. Tell her that. You can only guide her. She is going to have to make the choice herself, and she may end up getting burned. Don’t try to save her from that, let the consequences play out. Hopefully she will learn.
Question 3: I am planning on having "the talk" with my 11 year old daughter this month, and I wondered if there is a specific book, DVD, or other resource that you recommend to help facilitate the talk? Thank you for your help!
Karen's Answer: Passport2 Purity I have heard is good, it’s about taking your child away for the weekend and talking through them growing up and becoming an adult. For me, I just talked to my children. I didn’t go through a book. My mom read me a book, and honestly, at the time, I didn’t get any of it. I did the “talk” at different ages for different children. I think 11 is a good age. Pray. This topic is just part of life and what better person to share this info than a loving mother?
Question 4: My own girls are grown now but I have 3 granddaughters and I am witnessing the pervasiveness of social media and the importance young girls place on it in their lives. It appears to (and I believe does) have the potential to derail girls regarding their self image and confidence. How do moms wage battle in this arena and help their girls remember and LIVE in the truth of who God says they are?
Karen's Answer: First off, I am thrilled that you as a grandmother are writing in a question! Go grandma! I agree with you 100%! Social media can derail my day, and I’m an adult that knows the truth that a picture doesn’t always represent the real story. To answer your question, I think the moms need to learn the truth themselves, and then it will naturally flow out of them to teach their sons and daughters. I do have three curriculums that specifically deal with this issue and the lies that we tell ourselves as women, that are not true. Says Who 1 &2 and also Make it Count, are based on recognizing the lies the world tries to feed us, and what Paul says, “To take our thoughts captive” and “renew our mind with truth”. Jesus said, “The truth will set you free”. I of course experienced it multiple times in my mothering journey. I would try and figure out what lie it was that my daughter was believing and then find scripture to combat that lie.
For instance: "I do not measure up" is a lie and the truth is
I must not fail
I am not worthy
Start digging into scripture yourself as a mom, pray for God to give you wisdom.
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