WT 152: Personalities - Green Moms
Resources Mentioned on this Episode:
Personality Plus by Florence Littaeur
Moms we're talking personalities again today, but this time we're discussing YOUR personality, and specifically answering questions from our tender and peace-loving GREEN mamas. Listen to hear the advice Karen has for a green mom worn out by her red and yellow kids, how green moms can thrive in a rainbow of competing family members, and stay tuned to hear Karen share a text she receives in the middle of recording with exciting news about her son! :)
Question 1: I am STRUGGLING right now with my blue preteen 12 yr old daughter - I’m a green mom and we are like oil and water! For example: she strives for all A’s and I could see it becoming almost obsessive. I told her, “it’s ok you don’t have to get all A’s we just want you to do your best.” And she was devastated that I would say that! I feel like I can’t win and she won’t open up to me because I don’t understand her. I’m trying my best to show her that I love her so she will open up, but she just continues to feel like I don’t like her and just want to make her life miserable. I’m praying hard that I will gain wisdom but I’m growing weary! I have 4 children and she’s my only blue. Thanks.
Karen’s Answer: Hey there! I get it! Blues can be hard, they are wonderful but their desire for perfection combined with their sensitivity is almost a recipe for not being able to win in their life. You can win, it just takes a lot of work on your part. You are trying and that is awesome. A couple of factors are at play - she’s 12. So you’ve got a pretend that in struggling to be perfect in a non perfect world, and she is very sensitive and more than likely immature, bc she’s 12. Hormones are racing through her and she doesn’t understand it. Try this, take her off one day, and tell her you understand her desire for perfection, you also understand she is extremely thoughtful and sensitive , kind and loving And you are sure that when life doesn’t go the way she has planned it is upsetting to her. Ask her how you can help? Does she want you to listen, to help with homework or to call things out to her. Tell her that you want her to know that you are so proud of her and the young lady she is becoming, and you want to support her in the way she needs. The other thing with blues is they want you to be a mind reader and if you really loved them you would know what they are thinking . I know, it’s impossible! I’m just telling you that’s how they are. Hang in there! Blues are thinkers- so she will think about it all- a lot! Hope that helps! Keep checking back in with her. Blues need Support and Sensitivity.
Question 2: Hey Karen!! My question is kind of two-parted. I'm a definite green with slight blue perfectionism particularly towards myself (I also have lots of anxiety and major confrontations literally give me hives). My hubby is BLUE as blue can be. I have a 3 year old yellow daughter and my 1.5 year old son is looking to be exhaustingly red. With everyone getting along being a big deal to me, I'm often worried about people (including my family members!) not liking me/thinking I'm stupid. How do I curb that social anxiety?
Karen’s Answer: First off, you are not stupid! That is a lie you are telling yourself and you don’t need to do that. Even if your ideas or thoughts are different from your family, you are not stupid. I get that you are a Green and you want peace, and I love that about Greens. Try not to allow your peaceful nature bring you anxiety. One way to get rid of anxiety to is face your fear. So, let’s play it out. Let’s just say, you tell your family you are not going home for Christmas, that you and your husband have decided to stay at your house this year, and you will not be traveling to see them because it’s too hard with little ones. Let’s say they get angry at you, they think that is the stupidest thing in the world, and they are mad at you. Keep in mind, you have made this decision because it will bring your family peace by not traveling. Focus on the reason why you made your decision. Your family of origin, will eventually get over it. They will not stay mad at your forever. But, if you face your fears, you will see that life didn’t stop, and it wasn’t as bad as you feared. Second thing, it is wonderful that you want peace. But, keep in mind that that with the other colored temperaments, when they are confronting you it isn’t because they are mad or upset, they are communicating to you. Confrontation is not the enemy. You may want to think about talking to a counselor and letting them give you some good ways to combat anxiety.
Question 3: As a green, the yellow/red combo is completely exhausting. Sometimes they are best friends, but other times it’s non-stop fighting. How do I manage that without completely losing it?
Karen’s Answer: I’m guessing your children are yellow/red? That color combo can be combative, and yes, that is exhausting for you as a mom. I would keep in mind: “what is mine to own? vs. “what is my children’s to own?” I think it’s always a good idea to educate your family to the temperaments and what each person needs. Yellows and Reds don’t mind confrontation, so let them work it out and try to stay out of it. Once your children know about their temperaments, then ask them questions, “Are you trying to control your sister?” or “Are you being a friend to your sister?” Tell your girls to work it out, because if you get involved everyone is going to get in trouble!
Question 4: I need help. I’m a green/blue (turning more blue as i age) mom for 2 sweet girls. My 5 year old is a very yellow/green and quality time is her love language. I’m a stay at home mom so we have a lot of time together. I’m struggling with feeling smothered. She is constantly asking me to play with her, hates being alone (even though i make her have at least an hour of alone time during the day) and “loves people”. She is a master manipulator (“mommy i love people” or “nobody likes me” when told to go play by herself) and at times i feel guilty for not wanting to play with or read to her when she has asked for the 100th time. I also hear “enjoy it now because there will be a day when she won’t want to be with you” which i know is truth but I still feel smothered. I know it’s false guilt (I’m not committing a sin) but i don’t want her to feel rejected by me or look back on her childhood and remember the times i said no to playing. What do i do when the time i spend with my quality time little girl is never enough?
Karen’s Answer: I get what you are saying 100 %! Greg my husband is Green/Blue and he feels the same way when our grandchildren ask him to play all the time. He feels bad and guilty. I think it’s the the Blue, wanting to do everything perfect and the Green, peacemaker , in you driving those emotions. I tell Greg, tell the children you can’t play. He does and I promise you they still feel just as loved and adored. That’s the first thing. Also, your daughter’s Yellow for sure is all about manipulation, I say that bc I’m Yellow and I know how they think . Let me put your mind to rest, I was NEVER the mom that played all the time with my children and we all have a very close relationship. They tease me that I wasn’t “that” mom. if you are a Stay at home mom, you can feel smothered- so normal! Build in sitters to give you a break. Then the statements she is saying, those are so typical of little girls and also manipulation. Keep speaking truth to her. It’s a life long thing until she matures. It’s such a process!