WT 160: Perfection-Seeking Blue Moms
Blue mommas, today is all about YOU. You love order, routine, and nothing makes you smile quite like fresh vacuum lines on a rug. So often times the chaos of mom life drives you nuts!
Today Karen and Sunny are tackling your questions on how to carve out time to restore your peace, how to let go of the mile-long to-do list in your mind and just enjoy your kids, and how to communicate your needs to your spouse or kids.
Question 1: As a blue mom sometimes I need more time to think and have alone time to process - having littles sometimes makes that much harder. How can blues, who get moody without that time, make this happen? Now that my older 2 can be a little more self functioning it is easier, but I am catching up on the lack of processing for the last 2-4 years and I know I didn't take care of myself then. I know the quick answer is prayer or get your time where you can but really and practically, alone time in the car to unwind with music or podcasts is next to nothing and sleep is so high on my value scale that getting up any earlier makes me more moody. HELP!
Karen’s Answer: Great question! I think I would talk to your husband and figure out a time to where weekly you can unplug and “get away” from the house and children. Maybe that means you hire a sitter to come from 10:00-12:00 and you use that time to be alone, process and recharge. It is so important for the blues to recharge and they do that by being by themselves. Blues need space. The reason I say involve your husband is because you may need to tell him how important it is for you, and you need to work it in your budget, and it’s also important that he knows the why behind your actions. You will be a better mom if you schedule in your alone time. I’ve seen this with Greg throughout our marriage. Especially when it’s around the holidays, and the house is always full of people and activities. Greg needs his alone time. As far as discipline for your little girl, you can tell her, “You will be punished, but I need to think about what your punishment will be.” I wouldn’t do that all the time, but it’s fine for the bigger issues to give yourself time to process. Decide how much alone time you need,and be honest with yourself. Don’t feel guilty! This is part of taking care of yourself.
Question 2: Any suggestions for enjoying time with my kids & family and not constantly thinking about how I can be cleaning/organizing or picking up after them? I have a 4.5 yr & 2.5 yr and I have a really hard time sitting down to play with them or even watch a show or movie because I am constantly thinking of what I need to clean or what else I could be doing & while playing with them I’m constantly picking up. (We had 11 moms comment with “this”, “yes!” or “amen!” to this comment...this is common amongst blue moms!)
Karen’s Answer: It’s like I am talking to Greg right now!!! It’s REAL people! All I can say is what it feels like to be on the flip side of that equation, and it doesn’t feel good. The chores feel more important that the relationships. I KNOW that is not true, but I’m telling you the way it is interpreted. Here is what you have to realize, the chores, to do list, cleaning, organizing, etc will NEVER be done, and you need to realize and get okay with some of that. Obviously your tendency is always going to lean to getting it all done, but try to put it aside at times and pay attention to those around you. Maybe like in the previous answer, build in time to “play” with your family and not always be working. I can remember just a few years ago, telling my mom to come sit on the back porch with us and visit on a Sunday we were at her house. She was picking up and cleaning the whole time and didn’t want us helping her either. Greg unpacks suitcases the moment we get home from a trip. I’m happy to let them sit for a day or two. The other night we went on a date, and then said we would watch a movie when we got home. He started working from the moment we walked in the door, and we never got to the movie. Yes, we ended up irritated at each other, because I wanted him to come watch a movie, and relax and he said he couldn’t relax until everything was done. Find Balance.
Question 3: How do blue moms quiet the self-talk in their heads enough so they can enjoy and appreciate the moment they are in with each of their kids? I can analyze each and every decision I make in day - it’s never ending.
Karen’s Answer: It is never ending. I see that with Taylor and Greg, my blues. ☺ I ask Taylor, “are you over thinking?” He usually replies with a yes. I think it is a discipline thing. Just like Reds have to have discipline with their control issues, and Yellows from dominating conversations, and Greens procrastinating, Blues have to show discipline in their thoughts and not letting them take over.
Question 4: Any suggestions to balance or overcome my introverted personality so I get my child out and about for play dates and such? Especially when I have a yellow daughter!
Karen’s Answer: You are going to have to push yourself, which I know is hard. I think it is great to realize you need to do more for her, but you cannot ignore the way God has wired you and you still need space and silence at times. I think you can find a good compromise. My mom was very introverted, and I am as yellow as they come. I turned out okay, and I know your daughter will too! Remember, God paired you together for a reason! For you to push yourself a little and for her to learn and realize she can’t go all the time. ☺
Question 5: My husband is not blue...still trying to crack his exact color, though. Sometimes I grow quiet trying to process, analyze, or even just to rest. He often asks me, “What’s wrong?” in those moments. I get SO frustrated b/c nothing tangible IS wrong. I don’t know how to verbalize that to him b/c he does not think that way. What’s even worse is that it breaks my “quietness” & means I need even more time to process, haha!!
Karen’s Answer: I get it! This is Greg and I. But, I’ve learned over many years in marriage, that there may not be anything wrong with Greg. He now tells me, “I’m just in a melancholy mood, for no reason.” So, I’ve learned to give him space. I think what you are feeling is normal, so give yourself and your husband grace. Marriage is about learning and growing. Keep working at it, and give grace in the meantime.
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