WT 220: Help! A Summer Without Normal Activities Has Us At Each Other's Throats
By this point in the year, it seems like everyone has had more than enough ‘quantity time’ with our families…but summer is still going strong! Today on Wire Talk Sunny and Karen answer questions from moms whose families are getting a little edgy from all of the time spent together. From how to give some structure to your summer days to how to teach your children boundaries, Karen shares wisdom on keeping your sanity as a family during this unusual summer.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Wondering what color your child is? Check out our quiz or read Personalities Plus for Parents.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr Kevin Leman
Question 1: Hi, I could really use some help promoting positive sibling relationships, especially since my kids are seeing so much of each other lately. I have a red-yellow 8 year old girl, a blue-green 5 year old boy, and a blue-red 3 year old boy.
My daughter likes to be in charge of her brothers, and her favorite game to play with them is “I’m the Queen” 😂. They get tired of this after a while if you can imagine! She is pretty much trying to direct them in their lives all day long. The 5 year old eventually tires of this and snaps. The 3 year old also has a strong personality and is a toddler, of course, so there is yelling when he doesn’t get his way.
How do I know when to step in during their disagreements? What do I do when one snaps and breaks another’s toy on purpose because the other one was incessantly yelling about taking turns? I have listened to the sibling rivalry podcast several times. It seems like it’s less rivalry and more trying to navigate personality clashes.
For what it’s worth, I am blue-green. I would also happily accept any tips anyone has for a red-yellow child! 😄
Karen’s Answer: I think I would sit my little Red/Yellow down and say, “The I’m Queen Game has got to stop.” I would tell her, that you know it’s her favorite game, but her brothers are growing tired of it. I would tell her to come up with a new game. When she protests, and she will, I would explain to her that no one likes to be bossed around all day. I would ask her, “Would you want to play I’m the King game where your brother is telling you what to do all the time?” Think about giving your 8 year -old some things to own and control around the house. She needs to exercise her leadership muscle. Reds usually love star charts, put one together for her, and then when she accomplishes a task, give her a star. When she reaches 10 stars give her a little special something. As far as the toys being broken, I used to have the rule if you broke a toy you paid for the toy. That stopped most of that type of fussing. Give structure to your day for all the children, that usually helps them feel more secure. When they wake up have a list of chores they do, then they can go play. That always used to help my children. Bored children end up being fussy children.
Question 2: How do I teach my kids to respect each other’s boundaries?
Karen’s Answer: Teach them what boundaries are, and why they are so important to people.
Ask them the question: “How do you like it when you ask your brother/sister to stop and they don’t? Why do you think it’s okay to keep going?
Tell them, “You are not showing love to your brother/sister because you are not respecting their boundary. What is one way you can respect your brother/sister’s boundary?”
Maybe have a family meeting and address this issue head on.
Question 3: My very Yellow 3 year old son and I are struggling. He is so loving and affectionate and thrives off of physical touch and quality time, I am blue. I am having a hard time getting anything done because he does not want to play by himself and needs to be by my side every second. I also have a 1 year old daughter.
Tonight while I was trying to cook dinner, I went from telling my son to go play nicely to telling him very sternly after multiple times. He finally goes off but ends up dumping out every toy, pushing all the books off the shelves, and destroying the living room. He doesn’t tell me no, get whiney or angry, but he will do negative attention seeking behaviors with a smile.
When I try to discipline him, he smiles, tries hugging/kissing me, and turns on the charm. We usually only have these big issues when my husband is on shift at the fire station and I’m home alone for 2 days. I want him to have boundaries while still meeting his emotional needs. Black and white defiance is easy for me to discipline, but this silly negative attention seeking behavior has me falling apart. Is it me? What should I do?
Karen’s Answer: Keep trying to see what will work with him. Don’t let the smile, the hugs and kisses steal your attention to what he is really doing, and that is manipulate you to do what he wants.
Question 4: Ideas to deal with bickering kids?? Ages 13, 10 and 8 and they are about over each other after so many weeks together!!
Karen’s Answer: I don’t blame them! I am OVER it too. Best thing I can tell you is to give them space. If you can divide them up in the house, or let them go outside and play. We learned with Evie and Chapman when Talon was asleep, we would send them out to play in the yard, and they did so much better, getting all their energy out outside. Try that. You can also rotate through your children and keep one with you, doing a project while the other two play together, and that gives each of them some quality time with you which children usually like. Another idea is to have some quiet time during the day, everyone go to their corners and sometimes they are excited to see each other when it’s done. It’s been a difficult year to be sure! This summer we all need to think outside our box and get creative.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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