WT 225: Letting Go Of Expectations
Have you ever walked into a situation with certain expectations and been disappointed when they weren't met? Today Karen shares how expectations can set our relationships up for failure. She defines the difference between desires and expectations and offers several tools for helping change expectations (for our children's faith, our marriage, our kids behavior) into desires so we can experience peace in our daily lives.
Question 1: Do you think this is something that you struggled with as a young mom? Can you give us some examples of unrealistic expectations you had while your kids were at home that you can look back at now and think, “man, I should have let that go!”
Karen’s Answer: I can for sure look at not only situations with my children, but also my parents, my friends, my marriage- all of it! I’ll start with my parents first. I expected my mom to come and stay with me after I had Kelsey, and help me for two weeks, like she did with my sister. But, she didn’t. My Dad threw his back out and mom stayed for three days, then she went home. My feelings were so hurt and I was so upset that she didn’t stay with me, I felt like she wasn’t being a good mom and it was her job to help me. But, reality was, mom’s first priority was my Dad, and he needed her to come home and help him. I expected her to do for me what she had done with my other sisters. But, the circumstances of life were different when I had Kelsey.
Another example, is when Taylor was little, he was that blue temperament, which meant he did like a lot of attention called on him, so when we would walk into the church and everyone would say “hi” to him and get in his face, he didn’t like that. He would growl. I expected him to be like the girls, and be friendly back but he didn’t. When he didn’t I would get so embarrassed and try to force the situation which never went well. Once I realized it I communicated to Taylor what my desire was, for him to stop growling at people and be nice, and he then told me he doesn’t like them talking to him. So, we compromised and he would nod instead of growl and I didn’t expect him to be Mr Friendly anymore. It worked.
Question 2: You talk to moms and hear from moms every day, in what areas do you see us constantly struggling with unrealistic expectations? [faith, marriage, kids’ behavior, finances, etc]
Karen’s Answer: Faith- that a mom expects her child to follow God and have a close relationship with God. Our desire is that they follow God, but you shouldn’t expect that of them, because God gave us all free will.
Marriage- We expect our husbands to lead well in the family. Even though some of our sweet husbands never had a good example of what a good father actually looks like, so how in the world can they lead well? Or we expect our husband to be the spiritual leader in our home, or we expect our husband to provide financially for us, or we expect our husband to be so wise and engaged with the family. Honestly with our husbands, you will be amazed at how many expectations you have. Shoot, when we were first married Greg expected me to basically be June Cleaver, Leave it to Beaver.
Kid’s behavior- Also too many to name, but just to name a few, for my children to all be straight A students, to behave well at all times even when they were exhausted, traveling, bored, etc. Basically for my children to never mess up. (so unrealistic)
Finances- For Greg and I to have all the money so we could buy the house I wanted, the cars we wanted, etc. I expected Greg to just go along with it, but he didn’t. (Which was good)
Question 3: How do we know what realistic expectations look like? Where’s the line between wanting good things for our kids or our lives, but not making those our idols? How do we know if we’re in a good place with our expectations?
Karen’s Answer: I think the key is to have desires for your child, husband, friends, parents, etc. You can desire things for your loved ones, but you don’t have any control whether they will comply or not. You can and should want good things for your children, you can do everything in your power to make those good things come true, but you can’t always control it. Perfect example is COVID and how we all realized how little control we really have in life.
Question 4: How do we dial back our expectations to desires? Practically speaking, how can we adjust what we’re aiming at?
Karen’s Answer: I think it is great to wish and want great things for our children, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s just when our expectations over ride our desires and start to rule us. I would start it with prayer and ask God, “do I have expectations?” then listen and wait. When God starts showing you, pray and ask God to give you discipline to turn your expectations into desires.
Pray
Wait/listen
Discipline yourself to ask the question, is this a desire or an expectation?
Allow your child, husband, parents, etc to be who they are.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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