WT 283: Understanding Your Child's Temperament (Their "Color")
We get more questions about how to parent according to your child's personality than anything else! In today's show, Karen and Sunny answer your questions about kids with each of the temperament colors. As always, Karen offers practical tips that will help you better understand your child TODAY!
Mentioned in this episode:
Mothers of Teens Retreat - join us LIVE and IN PERSON in North Carolina this November.
Personality Plus for Kids by Florence Littauer
A Grown Ups Guide to Kids Wiring by Kathleen Edelman
Question 1: My daughter is still only five...and my son is even younger. Did you say 7 is the age when you start to see the personalities fully? Before that they have all of them? Can you explain and elaborate on how to see who they are without putting a label on them too soon? I want to make sure I'm being wise and not giving incorrect assumptions. Parenting who they really are and not what I think they are...
Karen’s Answer: Great question!!! I actually love this question, because sometimes it is hard to tell what they are. Listen, I thought Abby was a Green until she hit her pre-teen years and learned she is a flaming Red. Here is the deal, you always need to be a student of your child. Figure them out the best you can until they get old enough to take the test on their own, and parent them accordingly. I mean, just because I thought Abby was a Green and she was really a Red doesn’t mean I screwed her up. The main thing your child needs is to be loved and understood. The colors are excellent, but they are only one piece of the puzzle. They have a love language, they have their birth order, and all that plays into who they are. Always keep in mind, God is the creator of your child, so seek His wisdom always while parenting. Then you will never go wrong.
Question 2: My 8 year old son who is almost 100% Blue is incredibly sensitive about school and grades. He has a June birthday and so is on the younger side for his grade. He always feels kids are making fun of him and when he has a bad day or gets a poor grade, he looks completely deflated and clams up. I empathize and give him space and tell him that when he needs a hug, I’m ready.
How do I help him have more confidence and realize that learning is a marathon and not everything others do is personal and malicious? His spirit is crushed daily and I worry about his self-esteem long term. Thanks for any guidance.
Karen’s Answer: Oh, our sweet little Blue’s. I feel for your little guy. Taylor was the exact same way, birthday in June, but we held him back a year, because of that lack of confidence. The hard thing about Blue’s is that they have such high standards for themselves and when they don’t meet their standards they feel defeated and like failures. As a mom, it sounds like you are doing the right things, so just keep it up. Remember your Blue needs Space, Silence, Support and Sensitivity. Keep encouraging your young man. Celebrate him when he achieves his goals.
Question 3: Help! I am struggling with my green 6 year old, I try to have both my boys fold and put away their clothes weekly after I wash and dry them. My eldest, 9 is a red and very industrious; he gets it done in 5 minutes. My youngest drags it out, gets distracted and lately has started hiding the clothes to get out of folding them. I don’t want to give up on having him contribute regularly. He is also slow to help in other tasks, laundry being the worst offender! I know this is a minor issue in the grand scheme of life but I want to continue working on this and I am out of ideas! PS: I am a blue mama!
Karen’s Answer: Our little Greens procrastinate to get their way! He is hoping that by his procrastination you will give up and do the job for him. Don’t do it. I would start attaching a consequence to his lack of finishing his chores, ie: You can’t go outside and play until the laundry is folded. Also, remind him the more he puts off, the more work he is piling on himself because laundry never stops. I know Green’s can be very frustrating because of their lack of motivation. Keep after him. He can learn to pull his weight. When he does finish, praise the heck out of him.
Question 4: I did the colors quiz for my 9-year old and I'm not sure how to influence his character traits. He's 56% yellow and 33% red. What we really struggle with is stubbornness, he lies because he wants to be right and when we call him out on the lie he cries and gets so mad. Losing a game, any game, no matter how small and insignificant, upsets the snot out of him and looks for ways to excuse why he did not lose. He will NOT acknowledge when he's wrong. He's VERY intelligent so his arguments always blow my mind, I can't comprehend how we end in such a rabbit whole every time we discuss his behavior. I feel very inadequate to discern valid arguments from manipulation most of the time; if I'm not cautious, he can have me wrapped around his tiny finger in a split second. How do I put a halt to his behavior while he's in his emotions? I'm a 62% green by the way.
Karen’s Answer: It for sure sounds like he is a yellow/red, with a lot of his red traits coming out when he is not getting his way. Reds do NOT like to be wrong, and they have anger issues. I had two red children. Him wrapping you around his finger is for sure the yellow in him, they control by charm. That is a great combo, but tough for a Green to handle. All you want is peace and no conflict. :) If I were you I would just realize that this is a battle you need to fight with him, because you need to teach him that you can’t always be right, and sometimes we lose in life. I used to teach my reds that you can be a good sport about things even when you lose.
I would also look into getting the book A Grown Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring. She goes into detail on how to handle each of the temperaments and what to do and what not to do. I think this book will be a great resource for you throughout his life.
Question 5: How can I support my red/blue child when he’s being really particular about something? He is a high achiever who always aims high in life, so I don’t want to discount his perspective and what he feels is important, but I can’t always accommodate.
Karen’s Answer: I get it. The Red/Blue combo is a high achieving person to be sure. I think sometimes you tell them, “I love your ambition, and I want to support you in all that you do, but this time your goal is a little unrealistic.” For example, Kelsey is my Red/Blue combo child and for her wedding she really wanted to go away in a horse and buggy carriage. She told me of dream getaway and I said, “Wow! That would be amazing! Have you looked into how much that would cost? If you can make it work with your budget, go for it.” When she did the research it was outside of her budget. She wisely decided it was too much. Sometimes we have to let them realize they have bitten off more than they can chew.
Question 6: I have a Red/Yellow oldest child who is 6 years old. She is a fun-loving, energetic, but also very bossy girl. I know God has special plans for her and will use her in a powerful way in her life. But as a mom who does not like conflict, and at the same time who does not like to be disrespected and defied, I find myself getting angry with her often.
I know part of this is setting healthy boundaries and I have begun that, and I believe to have found her “currency” as far as discipline, but every day there is something for her to push back on. If I give in just a little, she takes advantage pretty quickly. I would love some advice on how to be firm in discipline but still loving to this beautiful, wonderful, strong-willed girl. Where do I let it go and where do I stand firm? Thank you so much!
Karen’s Answer: Great question! :) Oh how our little Reds challenge us so much! (I had two) I found that when I laid down the rules and then stuck by them, my reds started to realize I meant what I said. You have to take your emotions out of it when working with the Reds because when you lose control, they know they have gotten to you. I would lay down the rule or whatever you are working with and just say, “You can do this the hard way or the easy way, it’s your choice.” That usually worked with my Reds.
My best advice is to stick with what you say and try to be as consistent as possible. Also, look up the book, A Grown Up’s Guide to Kid’s Wiring, it’s a new book by Kathleen Edelman and is a great resource on temperaments.
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