WT 282: I'm At My Wit's End With My 4 Year Old!
Any moms with a “4nager” listening out there? Have we got a show for you! Today, Karen offers advice for moms wondering what on earth to do about disrespectful back talk, defiant behavior, and non-stop talking from their sweet little four year olds. We also tackle a poop question and Karen reminds us that it’s sometimes smart to call in the big guns (aka the pediatrician!) Tune in and share with a friend who may be at their wit’s end with their little angel. :)
Mentioned in this episode:
Mothers of Teens Retreat - join us LIVE and IN PERSON in North Carolina this November.
A Grown Ups Guide to Kids Wiring - Kathleen Edelman
Join our BOAW Moms (private) Facebook group. It’s a fantastic way to use your wisdom to encourage moms coming up behind you and crowdsource wisdom from those ahead of you on this road of mothering!
Question 1: I am struggling really hard with my new “4nager”. She turned 4 and turned the notch way up on sassy talk. We call her sassy pants and sassafrass because she is really awful with back talk.
For example:
Me: I'm not happy you just threw that toy down.
Her: Yes you are.
Me: I don't like the way you are speaking to me.
Her: Yes you do.
Everything I say, she turns it against me and says the contrary in this way. She is yellow and red as far as I have discerned.
What helps? I'm trying "let's try that again." I wonder what I can do because she also screams and yells and hollers constantly when not getting what she wants. I feel defeated even when trying different tools.
Karen’s Answer: That does sound challenging. Okay, well, here is my tough love answer. I would sit your little 4 year old sassy daughter down and tell her, “I’m sick and tired of you back talking to me and it’s going to stop, do I make myself clear?” Then I would tell her that you are going to start punishing her when she talks to you that way, you can decide what the punishment should be. My only advice on that is if you try something and it doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to change it up until you find her currency. Every child has one, some are harder to find than others. Then stick to your guns. Keep in mind, if you don’t teach it to her now, at 4, it will only get worse.
Question 2: Any tips on a 4yr old with an anger problem? My daughter has recently (within the last 2 months) become extremely angry when she doesn’t get her way or is told no. A lot of back talking, slamming doors, saying “fine” and walking away & the big one... intentionally peeing herself and on furniture. I am at my wit’s end. When she gets told no and is mad, she will walk into our front room & pee on the couch or chair, she will pee on herself in her car seat or if she’s sent to timeout, she just pees on herself in the corner. When asked about it, she will blatantly say “I peed on the chair because I was mad at you for not giving me ‘xyz’”.
Backstory, her brother is 2 years older & has autism. To be honest, she’s gotten away with a lot during her life as we’ve been in survival mode…but this is next level and we don’t know what to do. (& I’m tired of cleaning up pee!!!).
Karen’s Answer: I would sit your little angel down and tell her, “I’m sick and tired of this behavior and it’s going to stop, do I make myself clear?” I would tell her that from now on when she pees on things she is going to clean it up, or she can go back to wearing a diaper. Also, tell her the next time she wants a toy or something you are not getting it for her because she is peeing on things and ruining your furniture, you have to save your money to buy a new car seat, sofa, etc. She has to learn her actions have consequences.
I would also stop her when she walks away and say, “Come back in here and try that again, or you are going to be punished.” Because of her little brother, she more than likely gotten away with too much and now she is feeling her oats. It is just time to recalibrate. There is a new sheriff in town, and it’s you, so stick to your guns.
Question 3: My blue four year old daughter is pooping at night and then sticking her hands down her pants and we don’t find out till the am. I’m checking on her before I go to bed, but it’s happening after. I have asked her to come get us or call us through the baby monitor.
I thought about making her sleep with a sock on her hands, but that might just be another item to wash. It’s happened 3 times this week - it’s been a rough way to start the day. Any tips or advice?
Karen’s Answer: Honestly, I think I would try the socks on the hands. My mom did that to me to get me to stop sucking my thumb. She would tape the socks on my hands. You could ask your pediatrician, or take her to the pediatrician and let him/her tell your daughter how germy poop is and how unsanitary it is what she is doing. Sometimes an authority figure really drives home that point.
Question 4: Okay, I just need some advice. I have an awesome, YELLOW 4 yr old boy. He is constantly talking & wants to play pretend. Example: "Ok, pretend we're a wolf family & we're in college & my baby brother is a kid you're babysitting." Literally all day long. He hates being alone & says he gets scared. Another example: When he has to go to the bathroom, alone, he yells out "Mom! I love you!" About 30 times mid stream. I probably sound like the worst mom ever but I'm getting annoyed by it! HELP!
Karen’s Answer: I do not think you are a bad mom, sounds to me like you are a normal mom!!! Tell your sweet little yellow you LOVE his imagination and you LOVE talking with him, but you need some peace and quiet too sometimes. I used to tell that to Kelsey because she talked non -stop. I would say, “Kelsey, please give mommy 10 minutes of no talking, I need to think for a little bit. I did find that having a friend over to play was great for Kelsey because she was able to get a lot of her words out and gave me a rest.
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