WT 291: Dealing with Disappointment Around the Holidays
When expectations collide with reality, especially around the holidays, disappointment can be the inevitable result. Today Karen shares how the holidays will be different for her this year with four married children and gives us practical ways to keep our heart in the right place no matter what the season looks like this year.
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Question 1: I am not new to this mom gig, but every year it seems like the holidays are not what I had hoped for. I eagerly anticipate all the wonderful things that come with Thanksgiving and Christmas and then when the season gets here, my calendar fills up crazy fast and my to do list is full of must dos, not want to dos. Is this just what the holidays are as a mom? (We have four kids, 2 in elementary, two middle schoolers.) Any suggestions for making time to actually enjoy this season?
Karen’s Answer: Wow! This is a great question. Yes, I have a few suggestions. Right now, before the holidays hit sit down and put things on your calendar that you want to do. For instance, put on the calendar that on Saturday, December 11 you are going to bake cookies with the children. Write down a Christmas show movie night for the family. Maybe write in a night during the week, to go on a car ride with the family to see neighborhood lights. Just write in the things YOU want to do. When other things pop up, you can honestly say, “We have plans”. I know the must do’s happen, but you have to be intentional about your want to do’s too.
Question 2: My dad passed away 1 1/2 wks ago from a sudden stroke. (Stroke on Monday, death on Wednesday.) While we are all grieving, my question is particular in wanting to know if anyone has any practical tips that they have done themselves to be there for their mom? Especially during the holidays... and so young a parent. My mom is strong (physically and spiritually) and I know God is her strength. I know that she will need to heal in her own time, as we all will. I am really the only one of my siblings able to help mom, especially since we’re the closest. Any hands on ideas?
Karen’s Answer: Great question, my dad died three years ago this Christmas. What I’ve tried to do for my mom is invite her to as many family things as possible. My mom is older, so if I make a bigger meal, I will swing her by a portion of it. I just try and remember that she is alone, and especially those first few years, it takes them a while to get back on their feet. Some more ideas:
Set up her tree and go over and play holiday music so she’s not doing it herself.
Ask Children if they will go visit with her.
Call and check in with her on a regular basis.
Take meals.
Ask her if she wants to spend the night at your house for a few nights during the holidays.
Start a new tradition, something that she’s never done before, last year we went for a “high tea” which was fun.
Remember your mom also on those special days where your dad would have been paying attention to her. ie: Valentines, Birthday, Anniversary, etc.
Question 3: What do you do when you’ve basically been told that some extended family members don’t invite you (siblings, especially) to family gatherings or want you around because you have too many kids and/or it’s too chaotic? On one hand I get it- they have older kids who are in a quiet stage, but on the other hand, it hurts to basically be unwanted because you have more kids or your kids are younger and louder. I have three boys ages 7,5, and 3 and a baby girl on the way. All my siblings only have 2 kids each.
Karen’s Answer: That is hurtful and I’m sorry. I never had anyone say that to me, but at times I could see my family was a lot. You don’t have to apologize for your big amazing family! Listen, your family is fun and as you grow older you will enjoy them more and more, you will NEVER have a dull holiday. My only advice is to be the bigger person, and try to look past their short-sightedness. They are truly the ones missing out. I would try to make new traditions with your family to look forward to. Hopefully, they will see the error of their ways and change their mind next year. But, if they don’t you can still have an amazing Christmas. I would pray that God will give you forgiveness for them, because that hurt could easily fester over the years and turn into bitterness in your heart, which wouldn’t be good for you.
Question 4: Karen, this is your first holiday season with 4 married kids. I’d love to end our time together today talking about how the holidays have changed for you now that your kids are all grown. Have you had to adjust your expectations around what Thanksgiving and Christmas look like now that you are officially an empty nester?
Karen’s Answer: Yes, both holidays will be VERY different for me. For Thanksgiving, I believe the only child that will be around will be Emily. Abby is going to Ben’s house for Thanksgiving, they decided to go every other year with families. Kelsey and Taylor will be out of state. Greg might be flying as well. For Christmas, Taylor and Sarah are staying at Sarah’s parent’s house and not spending the night with us. First time he won’t be in the house for Christmas. How am I handling it? Ask me in 2022. :) Right now I am okay, I don’t love it, but I realize I have to share. I really don’t want to be that in-law who complains the whole time. My children are always welcome, but when they get married, the other family wants to see them as much as I do. I have to keep that in mind. I know that I will more than likely get jealous, and I pray that I will resist it and be happy for them.
Question 5: For the mom who is in the same season of life as you, or for the moms listening who want to be well-prepared for this next season of motherhood, is there any advice you can give on approaching the holidays as an in-law, or as a mom of a married child?
Karen’s Answer: It is a give/take situation. Try to remember when we were newly married, and how much we wanted to please both sides, but how hard it was. Someone is usually not happy. The thing I want to keep in mind is Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. If I lose sight of Jesus, and get jealous and possessive, then I will be losing sight of Jesus. I know it will be hard, because we all are human. I just need to make the most of the situation I find myself in.
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