WT 320: Fear in Motherhood
Fear in motherhood is a very real thing. It starts when they're young: are they hungry, are they hurting? And never stops, even when they are adults! Many of us are worried we’ll mess something up and mess up our kids in the process. Today Karen reminds us what is true and where to keep our focus when fear threatens to take us down.
Mentioned on today’s episode:
Question 1: I need some momma help and have no clue where to turn. I’m so afraid of raising children who don’t know the Lord. My husband and I grew up in church Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. Plus anytime there was a revival or a church activity, we were there and WE LOVED IT! I have always prayed that my kids would love to go to church and be involved like I was.
Fast forward...my husband and I were very involved at our old church (where a lot of our family went) and long story short - we needed to make a change and found another church that we love, but the kids hate it because our family isn’t there. That is the ONLY reason!
My now 7 and 6 year old fight me EVERY Sunday to not go to church and it puts me in such a bad place. By the time we get to church I have cried at least 3x and I am drained. I already deal with anxiety and depression and on Saturday the anxiety starts to kick in. This is NOT how it’s supposed to be! How can I get them to love church like my husband and I did at their age? We are struggling so much.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for writing in your question. I am so sorry that Sundays are full of angst and anxiety for you and your family. I’m guessing you left your old church for a good reason, and you don’t want to go back. I can understand that, but it’s obvious that your children don’t like your new church. ☹ Why don’t you compromise and start looking for a new church that everyone likes. Change is hard and especially for children. If they are not connecting with the new church in their classrooms, there isn’t much you can do as a mom to “talk” them into liking it. Summer is coming up, what if you enrolled them in a few Vacation Bible Schools in your area, let them go during the day, meet friends and then that will give them more incentive to want to go on Sunday mornings. I think you will get there, sometimes it just takes time and it sounds like they really connected with your old church. So, try to make new friends at a different church. Hope that helps.
What is one practical thing: Be flexible. Try new ideas until you find something that sticks.
Question 2: Our daughter is 10, and her mental health worries me. She tells little lies to cover up things that if she told the truth about, wouldn’t even be a big issue! When I ask her why she lies, she says because she’s a terrible person.
Tonight, her dad not-so-nicely told her that she can’t sing, and she ran away crying, then came downstairs trying to go outside and throw herself away because she’s garbage. Recently, she tried to run away and live in the woods near our house because she didn’t think we wanted her. We have never told her she’s worthless, that we don’t love her, or anything like that! I’m afraid that her drama may manifest into suicide or that someday she may actually run away. She has access to a counselor at school and has gone to talk to her when she fights with her friend, so she knows how to seek help when she needs it. Is this just girl drama or should I take it very seriously? Will she grow out of this? Please give me some hope or perspective because I am anxious for her as she gets older.
Karen’s Answer: Hey there! Thank you for writing in your question. This sounds a little more serious than “girl drama”, it sounds like she has extremely low self- esteem. It is not that you have done anything wrong, but she just has an inner critic inside of her, that is very loud. I think I would look into taking her to a counselor outside of school, a private one, where she can start focus on her self -worth and self- esteem. I think you have caught it early enough to where you can get her help and it doesn’t have to follow her into her teen years, but the sooner you get her help and give her tools to help her cope the better. My children would try and run away, that is normal. And statements like, “I’m garbage” can be dramatic to get her point across, but I think you should take it seriously and take her to a counselor. The counselor can give you tools as well, to help her.
One Practical thing: Seek the help of a professional counselor.
Question 3: My husband and I are parents to a beautiful, healthy 3 yr old boy. I always thought I wanted 4 kids, but after having one…I thought just two would be nice! ;) Last year we got pregnant again (not really trying) and I was so excited to complete our little family. Sadly, I miscarried at 9 weeks and had to see the doctor for medicine to complete the natural process and go to many many follow up appts (all alone, thanks to covid). It was very traumatic for me. Since then, I have felt so afraid to try to get pregnant again. What if I miscarry? What if I don’t get pregnant at all? How do you open your heart up to that possibility of pain?
Karen’s Answer: How do you open your heart up to the possibility of pain? Great question. My answer is prayer. Ask God to give you the courage to step out on faith towards the idea of getting pregnant and regardless to what happens give you the strength to handle it. In life there are so many uncertainties, we are never guaranteed a “pain free” life. But, I totally understand what you are saying, and would feel the same way. But, what if you were to get pregnant? What if you carried that sweet baby to full term? The joy and love would be worth the risk. Life is a gift, and sometimes we have to be brave to step out and accept the gift.
One Practical Thing: Daily Prayer
Question 4: I have 2 kids, ages 9 and 5. A year ago, we moved into what I thought was our “dream home” in a new city and went through the process of uprooting our many deep and wonderful connections, friends, dance studio, school, you know.
And now we just found out, we may be relocating out of state to Nashville soon for work. Of course my first thoughts are… we just moved! They just got settled in and adjusted, made new friends etc….how will this affect them? Mostly my oldest. She will have to change dance studios AGAIN. Leave her homeschool co-op group that she LOVES. And then of course both kids will be in a new place and have to start over. 
My biggest fear, although they are both young and both still in elementary ages, is that these back to back moves will leave some sort of lasting negative effect as far as feeling like, what’s the point of making new friendships? Or that they will carry some sort of issues into adulthood. I feel so guilty but we also have to do what’s in the best interest of our family long term. Any advice?
Karen’s Answer: The best part of this scenario is children are resilient. They can adjust and will adjust. As far as lasting negative effective- who knows? You can never protect your children from those types of scenarios. You could stay in one place your whole life, and something happen to your child that will effect them negatively, (Mean friends, a coach or dance instructor that is not kind to them, etc) And I hate to spiritualize the situation, but God will use whatever happens in their life and work it for good for His purpose. My husband moved every 2 years of his life until he was 18 years old and went to college. Did it effect him, yes. It was hard, especially in high school with sports. But, it gave him this internal drive to work harder to make something of himself, and he is the type now where he doesn’t want to move….ever! ☺
Bottom line, you are right, you have to do what is best for your family long term. Don’t feel guilty, you haven’t committed a sin. You can be empathetic to your girls, and understanding but you have to go where the job takes you, otherwise there wouldn’t be any dance classes. ☺ Also, Nashville is a great city! And the people are very friendly, so that is a bonus! ☺
One Practical Thing: Be Brave as you embrace change! God has you and your girls!
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