WT 385: Maintaining Consistency in Disciplining Your Toddler
Whether you’re at home or in public, consistency is KEY when it comes to disciplining your toddler! Today Karen answers questions about setting expectations, addressing undesirable behaviors, and enforcing consequences with your little one. This conversation will leave you motivated and encouraged to maintain a firm but loving approach the next time your toddler pushes a boundary!
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Question 1: I have a toddler who I affectionately have nicknamed my little angry elf. Anytime I tell him to stop or not to do something, his initial response is screaming defiance. I'm exhausted, in all caps, by it. And I'm also bewildered as to the best response. Do I ignore the screaming? Do I punish him for it? If I send him to his room for a time, the screaming continues and seems to escalate. How do I manage these situations in public?"
Karen’s Answer: First off, you've got to train him in private. So if you want them to behave in public, you've got to be very consistent at home. And they have to know that you mean what you say. So that's the best way is to start at home on that.
Secondly, don't ever give in to his demands when he is screaming. And I know it's hard, because if you give in to him, they're going to stop crying or whatever it is they're doing. But don't do it, because then it's just going to make your battle twice as hard the next go around. So you just tell him, I can't understand you when you're screaming. Stop screaming, and then I will answer you. And then at that point, after you've said that, if he keeps screaming, I would ignore him. I would just walk away. I would just do, and if he keeps screaming, I would go put him in his crib . If you give in, he will learn that if he screams, he gets what he wants. It's just positive reinforcement. So you just cannot give in to the screaming. Also, don't allow the screaming to get to you. I know that's super hard, because it grates on all of our nerves. But tell yourself, this is just a form of manipulation. And I'm not going to allow the screaming to dictate what I do as a parent. Try to tell yourself, he's just manipulating me, or she's just manipulating me, and I'm not going to allow that to happen today. Not today.
Question 2: I have a two-year-old with a potty mouth. I'm not sure where he picked it up, but he has a favorite swear word he's been throwing out, and it's obvious he likes the reaction it gets. What do I do?
Karen’s Answer: I would personally punish him for it. I would not laugh about it, because once you laugh, he thinks, oh, this is funny, and I'm getting attention, and I like this. You can take away toys. You can put him in time out. Take away privileges, like watching TV or going outside. Any of those things will work, but basically anything that will deter him from the bad language. So the bad language equals him having loss of privileges, and normally that will work. Remember that it's not funny and it's not good. Instead of getting the attention from you laughing, just turn away and punish him instead.
Question 3: How do you teach your toddler to be quiet while you're saying grace at mealtimes? Do you just give them their meal?
Karen’s Answer: No, I wouldn't give them their meal. You're trying to train them. So what we would normally do is we would just, as we're praying, we would just stop and say, Emily, let's finish the prayer, and then we can talk. And then we would just keep going.The other solution is don't give them their food until the prayer is said. Like hold the plate next to your plate, like maybe have his plate on top of your plate, and then whenever you say amen, hand him his food.
Question 4: Hi, my four-year-old daughter is strong red. Is there any other kind? Maybe red blue. I feel like I constantly explain and enforce consequences, whether it's time out, loss of toys, loss of privileges, or spanking. Nothing fazes her. She gets so angry and hysteric when she's in trouble. I don't know how to calm her down. This can go on for a long time, 30 to 40 minutes. The littlest thing can set her off. I've tried to avoid the hysteria by speaking gently and trying to walk her through the problems. But nothing works. This disobedience and whining feels constant. Am I missing something? Do I just have to keep enduring the chaos? Thanks for what you do. I love your podcast and advice.
Karen’s Answer: Reds can be very challenging, for sure. I mean, I think out of all the colors, they can be the most challenging, the earliest, the earliest on. But, or they were for me. As soon as she starts to escalate, I would gather her up. I would set her in her room on the sofa in a chair just to help calm her down. And as you're walking and talking, I would just be calm. I would just stay calm. Because the thing about it is, when anybody escalates to this type of behavior, you cannot reason with them. They're sort of like a drunk person. You cannot talk to a drunk person. They're not getting it. Just say, sit here until you can gather yourself. I wouldn't say sit here until you can calm down, because she may not be able to. A child has to learn how to self-soothe themselves, sort of like they have to self-soothe themselves to go to sleep. And if they wake up in the middle of the night, have to work themselves back into getting to sleep. This is something they have to sort of do on their own. But we have to give them the space to learn how to do it on their own. Sometimes just holding a child really tight and just saying, ‘hey, take a breath. Let's calm down. Let's gather ourselves together. Just take a breath. Breathe with mommy,’ kind of thing.
Honestly, every mom has to figure out their own child. Because sometimes you hold a child real tight, and they don't like it, and they freak the heck out. And then they've gone to the next level, like nuclear level, and you're like, whoa, that didn't work. So not everything I suggest is going to work for your child. You've got to figure out what works for your child
Question 5: I'm wondering about toddlers and their currency, as Karen likes to call it. I think it's hard to find a currency for toddlers. Am I right, or do you have tips on how to do this? I realize it's a broad question, but I feel like it needs to be as I have a toddler, but I also work with a bunch of toddlers at church and classes, et cetera. Thanks for your help.
Karen’s Answer: Finding a child's currency is just basically finding out what they like. Some parents say, ‘oh they don't like anything. ‘ Well, that's not true. They do. They all like something. Whether it's a special food, an activity, a TV show, several books. Maybe they just like for you to read to them. Maybe they have a special baby doll. Maybe they have a special blankie. Whatever. whatever they like - you got to figure out what it is they like. That's their currency.
Whenever they're not behaving, you say, ‘do you want me to take away (fill in the blank)? And they will always say no. And you say, OK, then straighten up. I like to give them a chance to choose wisely. And if they don't, then I will follow through with the consequence. And most of the time y'all chose wisely, but lots of times you didn't, and the consequences would follow.
Question 6: My daughter is almost two, and lately she is kicking and hitting all the time. She responds well to discipline on other things really well, stops almost immediately, usually apologizes in her toddler way. But with hitting and especially kicking, she laughs. I've tried grabbing both hands, removing her from situations, encouraging gentle hands, popping the offending hand and foot, giving her reminders, telling her she's hurting me, and it's still just belly laugh giggles. I think she truly thinks it's a game. What do I do? It's driving me bonkers. She otherwise responds well to correction, so I'm just confused on why she thinks this is a game."
Karen’s Answer: I think -the mom's gonna have to practice this a little bit, this might be hard - but maybe just get a stern face and say, “no!” That's going be hard to do because your first initial reaction is going to be shock and to make that face that is earning the reaction, but try to put on your angry face, mom. Practice it!
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