WT 199: When Personality Colors Collide

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Opposites may attract, but when it comes to parenting your kids, how do you parent effectively as a team when your partner’s personality is the exact opposite of yours? On today’s show Karen answers questions from moms about their husband’s red, blue, green, or yellow personality clashing with their own.

Question 1: I am very green and my hubby is very blue. He's a wonderful man, but sometimes his cool temperament comes off as uninterested/uncaring. Example: I mentioned doing the parenting together study on RightNow Media and got "I mean, I guess we can..." Also, his version of quality time is watching TV. Our kids are only 3 and 1.5, so I work pretty hard to limit screen time throughout the day. The other night after dinner, I switched over the laundry and a movie was on by the time I made it back upstairs. I know that I can't change him. I've been trying to change my attitude, but any tips for connecting with a blue hubby?

Karen’s Answer: Sometimes our sweet sensitive Blues needs shot of enthusiastic love to spur them on.  When he says, “I mean, I guess we can” - keep in mind he is agreeing to it, he didn’t say no! Take it and run.  Be excited and say, “Great! I really appreciate you wanting to watch this with me.” Here’s the thing about Blues, they just don’t get all that excited, and that is okay.  

You say you want to change your own attitude, and I think you are on the right track.  If I were you I would pray and ask God to help you find a renewed deep love and connection to your husband.  Ask God to give you ideas on ways you can connect to him, and to open up your heart and mind to all of your husband’s positive traits.  Also, what is his love language? Start speaking it. Last thing, be bold, be playful, turn off the TV and say, “let’s play a game! Wire Talk just did a podcast on date night ideas, try some of those! 

Question 2: My husband is YELLOW Yellow YELLOW. He is charming and energetic and honestly, a big part of deciding to marry him was how much fun we have together. But (you knew there was a but coming, right?) now that we have two elementary-aged kids...all his fun-loving behavior just seems immature. He is a fantastic dad, but everything “serious” about parenting falls on my shoulders. Budgeting, discipline, all of the “not fun” stuff. It seems like I’m stuck having to be the grown up in the family. I’m weary and growing more and more resentful by the day. How do I help him understand that I need help “running” our family?

Karen’s Answer: I get it.  Yellow’s don’t tend to like the hard stuff! But, that is life.  Okay, first things first. As a yellow your husband needs these 4 things: 

Attention, Affection, Approval, Acceptance

I understand that he is frustrating you, and you need his help.  But, if you come at him with negative words, criticism, and negativity, he will shut down, take it from a Yellow.  If you build him up, and let him know, just like you said to me, “He is a GREAT father”, “He is a lot of fun and brings so much to your family”.  Then explain to him how you want to work as a team, and be united. You could even watch the Parenting Together DVD with him, and let Greg and I do the persuading.  A Yellow needs to know they can do the hard work, and they have something to offer. He probably thinks you are doing such a good job, so you don’t need his help. But, bottom line, talk to him, in a loving way.  Don’t scold him, or make him feel bad, but share your heart. Lead out with positives though. You wont be able to change him, so don’t try, but you can coach him, and then when he makes an effort praise him for it.  

We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Our goal is to live out of our strengths and to ask God to give us what we need with our weakness.  Remember, when we are weak, He is strong.

Question 3: I’m a yellow/green mom with a blue/red husband. Talk about opposites attract! We just had our 5th child (age 12 down to newborn) and I often feel like my opinion matters very little in our family. I’m a SAHM and my husband does provide for us 100%, but sometimes I feel like his employee rather than a partner. For instance, if I go to the grocery store he’ll complain about frivolous purchases I make or tell me the dinners I’ve planned aren’t practical. And honestly, sometimes he’s right! So now he does most of the shopping and cooks dinner because I don’t do it how he thinks it should be done. He is so strong willed that it’s easier to just go along rather than share how I’m feeling. Any suggestions?

Karen’s Answer: I wish I could give you a BIG hug!!! Reds have their opinions and I get that, but there is a right and a wrong way to communicate those opinions.  If you are walking away feeling like an employee or that you can’t ever do anything right, that is not good and over time it will affect your marriage. I would sit your sweet husband down and say, “This is how I’m feeling…. I know you may not mean to communicate this to me, but it bothers me. I don’t feel like your partner, I feel like one of your employees.  I would love your feedback on the meals, but you taking over isn’t solving any problems.”

The other thing your husband needs to keep in mind, is you are a YELLOW/GREEN. Yellows need four As": 

  • Attention

  • Affection

  • Approval

  • Acceptance

I got Greg to screen shot these As for his phone and said, “I need these things.” I would tell your husband that you have been a baby making machine for the last 12 years, and sometimes you need to be a little “frivolous” at the grocery store, it helps bring some sunshine to your day! 

Bottom line here is you need to talk to your husband, even if it’s hard. Go back to the podcast where we talked about Active Listening and Assertiveness.  You should work on the Assertiveness part. ☺ 

Question 4:  My husband and I are actually very similar (both greens with yellow in there too). I have primarily stayed at home since our sons were born and my issue is that I have to play disciplinarian not only all day long, but also in the evenings and on the weekends because my husband is SO laid back that misbehavior doesn’t really phase him unless it’s extreme. I am tired of always being the bad guy! Any thoughts?

Karen’s Answer: Oh sweet mom! I get it! 100%, and I used to hate that too. I always felt like the bad guy too. Honestly, the only thing I can tell you is it is good one of you is the bad guy, and you are not allowing your children to get away with things.  I was always the “heavy”, but that is just the way it was, and no matter how much fussing I did with Greg, it was me. Pray God will give you the strength to do what you need to do! 

Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings

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