WT 198: Dealing With Out of Control Anger

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Whether it’s you or your child struggling with angry outbursts, we’ve all been there. On today’s show, Karen and Sunny tackle questions from moms about aggressive behavior and physical tantrums, and Karen reminds us where self control ultimately comes from.

Question 1: I grew up feeling very dismissed and as if my feelings weren’t important. I think because of that, I am type A and a control freak kind of mom. I stay at home and lately have really been losing patience with my sweet 17 month old daughter. When she doesn’t listen or things don’t go according to my so called plans, I lose it. I end up yelling and I hate it. This mostly only happens around meals when she’s throwing things or refusing to eat. I know I need to learn to control my own anger because she picks up on it, plus it’s more about me than her. I’m just feeling uninspired lately and very challenged.  

Karen’s Answer: I think a lot of us moms can tend to be control freaks, especially when our children are little, because we think we “can” control these little human beings.  BUT, sooner or later we realize we are not in control. You can’t make a child do anything. I know! It’s frustrating. First off, it’s great to have plans, nothing wrong with that, and I think a good plan helps life go more smoothly, but don’t lose your flexibility.  Keep in mind, your child is going to finish dinner 9 times out of 10 faster than you, mainly because they eat less food. When your child starts throwing food, that is your cue that she is done. Give her one warning, to stop and if she doesn’t remove the food. If you want to leave her in her chair until you finish, then give her something to play with while you are finishing your dinner, like Play-doh, or a puzzle or a book to look at.  My pediatrician used to tell me, children have very small stomachs, they will eat when they are hungry and they will stop when they are full. They aren’t like us where they will keep going. Keep that in mind. I think it’s great that you are realizing this is your problem and not your daughters.  Self control is a fruit of the spirit , so you can’t manufacture it. You get it by abiding with Christ, or walking with Christ.  

Question 2: Help. At my wits end. My 6 year old gets mad really easily, and runs off, slams doors, throws things on the ground, and kicks things as he passes. He’s very argumentative and pushes boundaries ALL the time. Just tonight he got a spanking after getting out of bed. He knows the rules, I had reminded him as we were going to bed. Yet he still is wailing at me before the spanking that he didn’t hear me or understand. We had the spanking, he was crying, and we were talking about his misbehavior. Things were going well, then I guess I said something he didn’t agree with and he started to elbow me and struggle. I usually try to hold onto him and make him settle which results in feet and elbows being thrown, but I’m wondering if I should just let him go!? 

This seems to be his go-to behavior when he doesn’t get his way. I don’t know what to say to get through to him. Daddy isn’t much help. Just tonight he basically told me I was crazy for thinking a 6 year old could be expected to be non-argumentative. Is he right? 

Karen’s Answer: Um, no he’s not right. ☺ I think a six -year old can behave.  Now, will they argue, Yes! But, pitching a fit and hitting and all that, they most certainly can control that behavior.  I think it is essential to get your husband on board. Here is what I would do: 

  • I would ask his teacher if he behaves this way in class.  If he is not, then that shows you and your husband that he can control himself. 

  • I would ask your husband to help you. It is most important that your son see you both as a team, and not divided. 

  • I would sit your son down with your husband and tell him this type of behavior has to stop.  Greg used to tell our children when they argued back, that the first thing they needed to do was obey, and then later they could tell us their arguments in a calm manner.  I would communicate to your son, that if his behavior didn’t change, he would be punished, whether that be extra chores, tv time taken away, or no extra -curricular activities, (or whatever you think is best) 

  • I might hold off on the spankings since they seem to not be working and make him madder. You do need to find his currency. 

  • Also, what is his temperament? You need to parent him according to what his temperament is.

Question 3: My 3.5 year old boy is a red, and I am a green 😱 Most of the time I am at a loss on how to parent him best. We have tried it all: gentle parenting, time outs, spanking on the worst days...you name it. He has been in OT for about a year now and while it has helped tremendously with sensory and motor issues, I still feel like I could be doing more. He has very angry outbursts at “simple” things and is hard to calm down. When he has the outbursts he yells, screams, hits. I’ll tell him to not speak to me like that and he points and yells back. Frankly, I’m terrified of him having this anger as a teenager. I just constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him and it’s hard as a green to not take his words and actions personally as silly as it sounds.

Karen’s Answer: Okay, you have him in OT and that is awesome! Does he have these angry outbursts with the OT person, or is it just you? I would ask the OT person how they handle the anger.  I would try to be as consistent as possible. I know as a Green your little red guy is so draining, but you can do this mom!!! Don’t think about when he is a teenager, stay focused on today.  Reds get what they want from their anger. I think I would physically pick him up and take him to his room, put him in his crib until he calms down. I would check on him every 5 minutes and ask him if he is ready to come out.  

It is important that Reds need: 

  • Sense of control

  • Credit for their work

  • Loyalty

  • Affirmation (your positive words will go a long way with him)

Keep working with your son, you’ve got plenty of time before he hits the teen years, and by the time he is a teenager, you are going to have a good handle on how to parent a Red. ☺

Question 4:  What are some strategies I can use when my toddler lashes out at me in anger? We have entered the slapping mom in the face, pinching or pulling hair during short lived temper tantrums. We have tried slapping his hand which hasn’t worked. I know this is age typical and that it won’t disappear overnight but I do want the discipline I use to be appropriate and help make my point that hitting and lashing out in anger is not ok.

Karen’s Answer: Honestly, I think with the hitting the best thing to do is to grab his hand and in a very stern voice say, “No sir! You don’t hit mommy”. Then keep doing what you were doing.  Every time he hits, that is what you say. Be consistent, consistency is key.

Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings

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