WT 213: How Do I Stop the Whining?
Today’s topic is one all moms can relate to - whiny kids! Whether your child is 4 or 14, listen as Karen answers your questions about how to handle whininess in the moment and how to nip it in the bud for good.
Links from today’s show:
Have a New Kid By Friday Dr. Kevin Leman
Make Your Child Mind Without Losing Yours Dr. Kevin Leman
Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer
The Birth Order Book Dr. Kevin Leman
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Question 1: I need some help. Obviously I love my almost 4 year old son more than anything, but he whines and cries CONSTANTLY. When he has a simple request, he whines. When someone tells him no, he cries. When his older sisters don’t follow his plan, he erupts into a fit of whining AND crying. Help! It’s driving all of us bonkers.
He cries and whines because he is wanting to get his way and he has learned over time that if he cries, or whines, you will give in. ☺ Listen, my Emily was this poster child, but at the end of the day, I would give her what she wanted just to make her stop crying.
Karen’s Answer: The way to stop this behavior is stop giving them what they are wanting. I know it’s painful and super slow, but you have to un-do all the stuff he’s learned over his 4 years. Good news is, you CAN break this habit. Tell him things like, “I can’t hear you when you are crying, or whining” or say, “Use you big boy voice so I can understand you”. After you say these things, keep busy doing your stuff and don’t keep bargaining with him. If he keeps it up, tell him to go to his room if he wants to cry it out. When he’s done, he can come back to where you are.
Question 2: My six year old daughter has always been stubborn and strong willed. But recently she’s become argumentative as well. It seems everything I say or ask her to do is met with an argumentative response or an “I don’t care.” For example, if I ask her to brush her teeth so they stay healthy and she will get cavities if she doesn’t brush she says “I don’t care” (even though she’s scared of getting cavities). My husband said she needs to follow our rules while she lives with us and she said “I’d rather live somewhere else.” I’m weary and so sad from it all. I’m strong willed and a bit controlling as well (working on that) and perhaps it is her way of trying to take control, but I am just having a really hard time with it all.
Karen’s Answer: I think your sweet little girl is figuring out a way where she can be in control and she’s engaged you in a power struggle. So, take the power away from her. For example: Brushing teeth, say, “It’s time to brush your teeth, and she says she doesn’t want to, then you say, “Okay, but if you get a cavity and the dentist has to fill it, it’s not going to be fun.” If she says, “I don’t care”. Then you say, “It’s your choice.” I would explain about getting a shot in her mouth, and the drilling, etc. If she still won’t do it I would make an appointment for the dentist and take her in and have them tell her the importance of brushing her teeth.
When she says things like she wished she lived somewhere else. I would reply, “I’m sorry you think that sometimes, we love you living here with us, and you make our home complete.” Then I would drop it.
Don’t give her more power than she can handle. Give her other areas in the home where she has some control. Maybe when you go to the grocery store let her pick out a new toothbrush, or tooth paste.
I would not argue with her, about things if you can help it. It doesn’t get you anywhere.
Question 3: My 11 year old son WHINES and COMPLAINS about everything and anything and all day long. I have tried many things to stop this and he just keeps on and on. He is the middle of 5 kiddos. It is really starting to wear greatly on me and on our whole family.
Karen’s Answer: I think since he’s in the middle, he is trying to get attention, and bad attention is attention. Try spending some one on one time with him, and praise him for things. Middle children can tend to be over looked, we don’t mean to do it, it’s just easy to do. The baby needs us, the oldest is having big issues we need to attend to, etc. Sit down with your son and ask him what are some things he would like to do with you, and your husband that is just “y’alls thing”. Maybe some type of project like building a model together, or a sport, or music instrument. But, help him figure out what he loves and then help him grow in that area. With our middle children it was horses for Emily and golf for Taylor. Once we figured that out, it really helped them bloom.
Question 4: My twin boys (age 6) are draining me-they take turns having the most pessimistic attitude/whine/complain/etc. I’m with them almost constantly as we homeschool. We have talked about the attitude, memorized scripture, asked them to say things they’re grateful for when they complain...I’m out of ideas but it’s weighing me down. Help 😔
For reference-we have studied colors a lot and they both seem to be blue/yellow which I know typically doesn’t happen...it’s like they have split personalities.
Karen’s Answer: Sometimes I think we can ALL get into very bad habits with being pessimistic and bad attitudes. I think the best thing to combat that is to create a large jar or basked filled with small treats, it can be candy, little stickers, go to the $ store and get anything you think your boys would like. Fill the jar/basket up to the top. Label the jar, “Good attitude Jar” or “Gratefulness Basket”. I would sit your boys down and explain there is a yucky presence in your home and you want to take some proactive steps to get rid of it, and that is negative attitude and complaining. Tell the boys, about your new jar/basket and how when you catch them having a good attitude, being thankful, not complaining or whining then they will get to pick a treat.
See if that will set them up for success and help them change their attitude.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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