WT 239: Boundaries With Friends & Family
Navigating the differences and boundaries between our needs and desires and those of our family and friends is tricky. On today's episode Karen answers questions about vacationing with family, teen dating, excessive gift giving (hello grandparents!) and being married to an extrovert when you're 100% an introvert! You're sure to find a practical nugget in this conversation that will provide wisdom for your world.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Karen’s 365 day devotional, Moments with God for Moms
Question 1: I just got back from visiting my husband’s family out of state. I really struggled with how to manage tension around junk food, schedules and freedom. My kids are younger than their cousins; and inevitably their cousins have a lot more freedom (no naps, later bedtimes, technology privileges, etc). Along with that, my extended family is much looser around health eating habits so my little toddlers either end up with stomach aches or are bouncing off the walls from so much sugar. I want perspective on how to navigate these things - where I should let the reins out a little and where I need to set boundaries? In some ways, this will resolve as my kids get older; but in other ways it will just continue when I am more conservative on media/technology privileges than they are.
Karen’s Answer: You have to decide on what are your non-negotiables. Only you can decide that. For instance, let’s say sugar is something you are willing to give into a little bit because you know it’s just a visit, like you are on vacation. Balance the sugar out with good foods and water. Every family is different so it’s not that you are right and they are wrong, just different. You have to learn what you are willing to “give” on and areas that you aren’t. For me, when we visited with extended family, and children were eating sugar at 8 a.m., I just told my children, you can have that after lunch. It wasn’t taboo, just a little later in the day. I was more lenient for bedtimes but not as lenient as other parents in the house. I would tell my children, “You got to stay up two hours past your normal bedtime, if you are doing to complain, we can go back to your normal bedtime”. That usually hushed them up. Keep in mind, it’s just a visit. So whatever you do, you are spending way more time at your own home with your own routine
Question 2: I need advice as we navigate teen dating . Our 14 yr old boy (9th grade) has a girlfriend . We like her a lot and she does seem to bring out the best in him. Her mother and I communicate well about making sure adults are home and coordinating pick ups and drop offs. I feel like they are wanting to be together too much. What is healthy? They ride the bus to and from school. And hang out 3-4 times a week after school. And they hangout every other weekend (she goes to her dads house every other weekend ). Is this reasonable ??
Karen’s Answer: Only you can decide what is reasonable. ☺ I wish I could give you a blanket answer, but that doesn’t work. Our dating age was 16 years old. Some of my children bucked me on that and others were fine with it. For me, I just felt like they needed to mature a little before entering into the whole dating scene. Once they start down that road, it’s hard to reign it in. My advice for the home visits is to regularly monitor them. Even with parents being at home. They won’t like it, but that is okay.
Try to keep balance in your son’s life, sports, clubs, etc so the girl isn’t his entire world, just part of his world. Balance is key so try to balance it out for him, he won’t be able to do it himself more than likely.
Question 3: Christmas is coming and so is one child's birthday. Poor thing, being born right after Christmas is tough! My in-laws and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to giving gifts and my husband has done a nice job communicating to them that we REALLY don't want them to give our child 14 individual gifts. Yes, 14! Thus far, we have managed to hide or give away several gifts that Amazon manages to deliver to our doorstep every Christmas/birthday. My question is, since my in-laws have refused to respect my husband's wishes to not give that many gifts...as our children get older and the gifts continue to arrive (and they begin to read their names on the boxes), what do we do?? My husband has asked them to give experiences instead (passes to the zoo, aquarium, art lessons etc) however, their response is that they want to give toys (and not just cheap toys either!) We can't control what they give, and until now we have managed for our kids not to see all the presents that show up on our doorstep. But, that's not going to last forever, one day they will realize that the UPS man comes everyday in December with a big brown box with THEIR name on it. Any advice??
Karen’s Answer: I would talk to your husband about whether or not this is a battle you want to fight with your in laws. I would at least tell your in-laws that you are saving the gifts, or giving them away because you feel it is excessive, this is a boundary that you can set. It just needs to be communicated clearly and honestly. If my children gave away brand new toys that I gave my grandchildren I would be upset because I spent the money on that! I hear what you are saying 100% and I agree with you that it is a LOT of toys. Your husband has talked to them, been specific with them, and they still aren’t complying so the situation may never change. You can only control yourself. You could return some of the gifts to Amazon and get money back then when the grandparents come in town, go on an experience with them like the zoo, or Aquarium. These are just my thoughts. Not saying I’ve been too helpful on this one.
You could have an open conversation with your children and let them agree on which toys they want to give away. I would have an open discussion so you aren’t “hiding” things from the children or the grandparents. Figure out your boundaries and then communicate them with your in laws and children.
Question 4: I’m an introvert who needs her space and my husband definitely has more of an open door policy when it comes to neighbors and especially his family coming over and hanging out - any suggestions on how to navigate this tension between us?
Karen’s Answer: Discuss with your husband the importance of “down time” in an introvert’s world. You can either do this or have a mediator person do it for you. Your sweet husband needs to realize that it is crucial for you to have this space and if you don’t it will start effecting you in multiple ways. After your discussion I would talk through your schedules and build in your space and give him time to invite friends over, but it’s not sporadic. Sporadic isn’t great for an introvert. Obviously there will be some give and take, but make sure both of your needs are being met. Communication is key here. Have open dialogue with your husband about what you need and why.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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