WT 238: Can You Help Me Handle Our Clashing Personality Colors?

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Is there a recurring conflict in your home because your personality color is clashing with your child's? Tune in today to hear Karen's thoughts on the exhausting yellow kids, defiant red kids, and lethargic green kids who have their moms wondering how to cope.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

Question 1: How do you handle an extremely yellow child as a blue mom? Love my 7 year old to pieces, but she could (and often does) talk from sunup to sun down. And not always just to herself, she wants meaningful conversation with answers! With me working from home, it’s tough to accommodate during the day time. She also typically has to be the loudest thing in the room. If I’m vacuuming, she’ll sing over the vacuum. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to break her spirit, but I do find myself trying to tune it out, or telling her that maybe we should have quiet time. I can tell it bums her out sometimes. I’ve listened to your episodes on yellow kids, but I’m just wondering if there’s another way us blue moms can cope? Thank you!

Karen’s Answer: First off, I get it! Our sweet little yellows are the life of the party but they can also be draining! I say that because I am a yellow. Here is the deal, with all the temperaments they each have their strengths and weaknesses. A strength of a yellow is they love to talk, and can entertain with their stories, but that is also a weakness, because they talk too much. You must teach your yellow, about timing. Your daughter is 7, so she is old enough to understand, that concept. She may not like it, but it is a lesson she will need to learn in life. Teaching a yellow to respect other people’s boundaries and not to interrupt is a good thing.

As far as you with your work, I would let her know, “Mommy needs to work right now, so why don’t you go play or do your school work, then after an hour we can both take a break and talk.” Give her a time that you will be stopping, and then after the break say, “Okay, let’s get back to work, so we can get our stuff done, so then we can play later on.” I also, would tell my children, “Hey, would you please stop sing over the vacuum, it’s too loud. If you want to sing, go in your room, or go outside, but it’s too much right here with me.”

As far as breaking her spirit. It’s very hard to break a Yellow’s spirit! They are eternally positive, and bounce back relatively quickly. That is a strength in them.

Question 2:  I need some creative help. My green 10yr girl is frustrating me. After school I ask that the kids do one or two simple chores (wiping the bathroom floor or wiping bathroom counter and mirror) but my daughter just refuses. She can't have screen time until they are done but she doesn't care. I said she needed to go to her room and not play with her baby brother, ok... she left. If I offer a consequence she generally chooses the consequence over the chore. How can I get her to help without resorting to more physical techniques?

Karen’s Answer: I would give your Green some time after school to unwind, relax, maybe go outside and play.  I found with our Green, Emily, that I would give her the chores and tell her they needed to be done by the end of the week, it was up to her to decide when to do them.  That seemed to help.  It for sure decreases the daily battle. With your Greens they are stubborn, so they will take the punishment if they don’t want to do it. By giving them a longer amount of time to do the chores, it becomes their choice.  I would also up the consequence to where it’s more than not playing with her brother, like no screen time for the week or no going over to her friend’s house until chores are done.  

Also, I used to charge my children money for wet towels left on the ground, or shoes not picked up.  You could try that, if she doesn’t do her chores she owes you $. Try not to get into a battle of the wills, she will win, because she is a green.

Question 3:  As a blue mom who is struggling with some major anxiety I need some advice with my VERY yellow 6 year old. I’m a very structured, follow a schedule kind of mom. We are always waiting on the 6 year old for EVERYTHING and getting out of the house at 6:40 in the morning for school is a daily struggle. 

I get her up with 40 minutes to get ready for the day. I repeat what she is to be doing while I’m helping my oldest with her hair and getting everything else ready for the day. It is a horrible way to start the day - frustrated with her for not doing what she is supposed to do and it’s the same thing every day. Then I have to flip the switch when I get to school to teach my students everyday and be in good spirits for them. Any tricks to try to get her to get out of the house on time? Or doing what she is told the first time? I’ve tried a checklist and setting a timer (the timer helps but not always.).

Karen’s Answer: Continue to set a timer. Do as much as you can the night before, set out clothes, pre- choose breakfast, etc. I would start disciplining her by taking away privileges with her friends, fun activities, Yellows HATE to miss out.  Once again, you have to work with them on their strengths as well as weakness. Yellows don’t have great “time” awareness. You just need to keep at it. Maybe wake her up an hour early instead of 40 minutes. When she fusses about that, tell her she’s not getting ready in time. OR Wake her up an hour early and tell her when she’s ready she can watch cartoons, until you are ready.

Question 4:  My eldest is 6, and is mostly red. He is very well behaved at school but has really started acting out lately at home-talking back, being very defiant and argumentative and angry. I had some angry tendencies as a child, and his father still does so I know some of it is related to what he sees. However I need to figure out how to get this under control because it’s getting worse and I’m tired of it-if he’s this bad at 6 I can’t imagine what 16 will look like and I’m NOT wanting to find that out. Any tips for helping him understand why this behavior is not acceptable? Long term strategies? My husband has his own myriad of issues so I’m mostly on my own with this. 

Karen’s Answer: Part of this could be his age, he sees other children acting out so he is testing the boundaries, and part of it is his temperament. Learning to control your anger is something that is learned.  I would have lots of conversations around the right and wrong way to respond in situations. The good news is, he behaves in school, so you know he can do it.  It’s a matter of him learning his boundaries with you, and what is acceptable and what is not. Reds want to be in control, teach him how to control his emotions.  I got Taylor a punching bag, I would make Taylor run laps around the house, I would tell Taylor, to think about the “why” behind his anger, what was his trigger. Was it that he wasn’t getting what he wanted? Did he think something wasn’t fair, then we would go from there. There is no quick answer, all of this stuff takes TIME. We as moms want a quick answer, but there is no such thing. Keep at it, you are doing a good job!

Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings

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PodcastBirds on a WireHome Management, Family Relationships, Temperaments, Personality typesComment