WT 250: Loving Your Spouse Well
‘Happily ever after’ requires a LOT of work when you’re raising kids, and we could all use some encouragement in this arena from time to time. So today, Karen and Sunny are leaning in to your questions about keeping your marriage in a healthy place. Whether it’s that the day-to-day logistics of life have snuffed out your romantic spark, or that there’s tension in your home around who should lead, Karen has a word of encouragement for you amidst it all.
Mentioned on today’s show:
Parenting Together curriculum from Greg & Karen Stubbs (watch the Being United lesson for FREE here!)
WinShape Marriage retreat with Karen & Greg
Want more podcasts on marriage? Check these out:
WT 148: Keeping The Spark Alive
Question 1: How did you handle disagreements with Greg when the kids were around? I don’t want to be a couple that fights in front of my kids, but I also don’t want them to have an unrealistic picture of marriage, imagining that there’s never any disagreements b/c mom and dad always went behind closed doors to discuss issues.
Right now my husband and I both feel like the other is constantly being second guessed or criticized by the other. How do we verbalize dissent in a healthy way that isn’t threatening? For instance, right now we have very different opinions on how to best handle Co-Vid exposure with the kids.
Karen’s Answer: Well, I wish I could say I did it the right way every time, but I did not. I do think I got better the more mature I became. In the early days, when both Greg and I really didn’t know what in the world we were doing, we would discuss it completely out in front of the children, even though they were little. I still think they were listening. Over time we both realized that wasn’t a good idea, and then we would go to a private corner of the house or room to “discuss” our disagreements. Greg and I would have code phrases with each other, like, “Let’s talk about this later”, or “we don’t have to make a decision on that right now.”
I think the thing you have to keep in mind with arguments in front of the children, nine times out of ten you are arguing to get your way. Your husband aggravates you and you want to address the issue right then and there. Or that is what I did. But, the longer we were married, I finally started realizing that the “winner takes all” mentality is really the loser. My end goal was that Greg and I be on the same team, and to be united. In order for that to happen, sometimes I had to let an argument go until we could get alone and talk. Also, whenever I did bring it up, it made a difference on how I approached Greg as to how he would take what I was saying.
As far as being second guessed by your spouse and criticized, I believe you must give each other the benefit of the doubt. I had to learn to believe the best in Greg and not the worst. Believing the worst is easy to do, but it only destroys the relationship over time.
How did I do that? Honestly, I’m not a saint, just the opposite, but I did see a direct correlation with my walk with the Lord and the way I was being with Greg. Whenever I was walking with the Lord, and looking to God to meet my needs and not Greg, my marriage was better. When we are walking with the Lord, the fruits of the Spirit will be exhibited in our lives, patience, love, gentleness, self control, and we need all of that to have a loving, healthy marriage.
Question 2: I am having my second baby in May 2021 and my daughter will be a month away from turning two. With my daughter, I have always been the one to do EVERYTHING! I guarantee my husband wouldn’t know how to put her laundry away if I asked. This gives me anxiety as we prepare for another one. Any advice on how to get on the same page with parenting and roles/responsibilities? I honestly put a lot of that on myself because I’m the type that would prefer to do it myself anyway, but I know this isn’t healthy and has caused resentment. We both work full time as well!
Karen’s Answer: First off, I think it is GREAT that you are realizing now before baby # 2 is born that you cannot do everything. I think you need to sit down with your husband, and talk through a plan. You might need to start that conversation with an apology, saying you are sorry that you have dominated most of the child duties, and you realize that you can’t keep that up. You might need to address the resentment, but take ownership that you sort of did it to yourself, because you like doing things yourself. I think with you stating that to your husband it will lower his defenses, and will be better for both of you in the long run. Maybe after you talk to your husband and you decide who will be doing what, go through the list and show your husband the things that he may not know. When you are doing that, be mindful not to be condescending to him, but build him up, and let him know how much of a help he will be, and what a great dad he is. I would split things up, with you doing some things and him doing some things. Start practicing now before the baby is born.
Question 3: What are some ways I can empower my husband to take on the leadership role in our family? He is a strong green and an enneagram 9. He avoids conflict like the plague. I am more of an even green/blue. I want him to lead more especially in the area of parenting. We have two girls ages two and four. I feel like he wants to be the kids’ buddy more than their parent. I would like to see him stand up to the kids more often when they are disrespectful or disobedient. He did not have much of a father figure growing up so I know that part of it is the lack of a good paternal role model. I want to empower him as a leader rather than nag him when it comes to good parenting skills.
Karen’s Answer: Well, I think if he is a strong Green he may never take control the way you think he should. But, that is okay. We can’t expect our husbands to all of a sudden be this strong, bold leader and possess characteristics that are not in them and never will be. I am speaking from experience here. Greg is a Blue/Green, most people think he is a Red, but he is not. When the children were little, he was their playmate, 100%!!! Greg had a hard time disciplining them, and to be honest he didn’t like it at all. (None of us love it) I had to accept Greg for the type of man he was and not make him feel less than because he wasn’t doing it the way I thought. I will say this, Greg and I talked through discipline a lot, and I would tell Greg, “Please don’t let them get away with that, it is just going to be worse over time. He would listen, and try to do better, but he was never as strong of a disciplinarian as me, but I was with the children way more than Greg. As the children got older, I started to see the value in Greg’s style of parenting, and he was a huge part of parenting them. His calm voice and the way he talked to all of the children made a big difference. Hang in there with your sweet Green, 9 husband.
Question 4: My husband is a blue and I am a red. Typically, when it comes to making decisions and getting things done, I’m the one that does it and my husband doesn’t mind. However, we’ve been making some pretty big decisions lately, with our house specifically, and he suddenly wants to control everything and tells me to “trust him”. I have pushed back on this, but I know that he is supposed to lead the household. This is just not typical for how we typically are, so are there any tips for how to not push back against him when he decides to take charge?
Karen’s Answer: Pray! :) Seriously, I’m not joking. When Emily was getting married, she wanted to get married at our house. So we extended our patio area because we were going to have appetizers on the patio after the wedding, before dinner. And Greg decided to build a pergola for their vows himself, and it was a big project. I was very hesitant, and kept asking if we could hire a builder. Greg did the same thing, “trust me”. It was so hard to trust him, because he was just watching YouTube videos. But, the more I questioned, the more frustrated Greg got and he started to feel like I thought he couldn’t do it. I had to back off, and let him try it. He ended up doing a good job, and I will say, he feels so good about it now that it is done, and he tells people “I did that”. Even if your husband messes up, which he might, let him lead.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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