WT 257: Fighting For Control With Your Strong-Willed (RED) Child
Those strong-willed kiddos - phew! We know they'll be leaders one day, but what do we do TODAY when they won't listen or are constantly pushing back against us?
How do we establish our authority without crushing their spirits? How do we teach them to harness their innate confidence without being aggressive or coming across as a bully? We hope this conversation gives you a few tools to parent your headstrong children with confidence.
Mentioned on today’s show:
Need to find your or your child’s color? Take the Birds on a Wire Color Quiz: boaw.mom/quiz
Karen’s Self Talk curriculum
Share your story with us! Let us know how this ministry has positively impacted you by filling out the quick form at boaw.mom/impact
Related Wire Talk episodes:
What Are The Different Personality Colors?
Red, Green, Yellow or Blue? How To Parent the Kids God Gave You.
Related reading:
BOAW Blog: 3 Rules for Parenting Your RED Child
Books: Personality Plus for Kids, Boundaries
Question 1: Question here from a green/blue mom with a STRONG red 5.5 year old. She’s been in a phase now that she loves her aunt or her teacher more than mommy. I’ve been really strong with discipline since listening to your podcast. Basically when she doesn’t get her way she “doesn’t love me, doesn’t or loves so and so more”. Tonight, we were reading together and she didn’t know how to pronounce a word so she wanted to skip over it, when I told her we had to try and sound it out she put her hands over her ears. So I told her this was not acceptable and she continued to do it. Then I sent her to her room for bed. (It was bedtime anyway). I just want to know if this is normal and just a phase? I do work full time and my sister thinks I don’t give her enough attention or play with her. But I don’t feel like that’s where it’s coming from, it’s that she doesn’t like that I discipline her.
Karen’s Answer:I believe what your daughter is doing is trying to manipulate you and get her way. I know her words hurt, but you must realize that she is just a child and she is doing something a child would do to get what she wants. Your work could be adding to her frustration, but I do not think that is the reason she is acting out. You can try to spend more quality time with her on your days off and see if that improves her behavior. Keep your chin up, you got this.
Question 2: My daughter and I have an interesting relationship and I feel it stems from how alike we are. She’s passionate, opinionated, high energy, and hard to please. Over the past couple of months she has told me she has several negative thoughts that pop into her head. I talked to her about sending them out and not being able to control what comes into our minds, but controlling what lands there. After some time she has informed me that they were mostly centered on me: she hates me, that she might dislike how I look, etc. I’m a stay at home mom and I homeschool her (6) and her 4 year old brother. We spend a lot of time together and I am her primary discipline provider. I try to not let her thoughts get to me, but as a mama I have enough “not good enough” thoughts for myself. I am on the edge of tears frequently. Help me to figure this out.. Also, I think she is High yellow and also has a good dose of red.
Sincerely, One tired mama
Karen’s Answer: First off, you ARE good enough as a mom! :) Most children say something that is not nice to their moms. I know it is hard not to take it personally because it hurts. A lot of times our children “try” to hurt us to get their way, or I know that is what my children did. When my children would say hurtful things I would reply, “I’m sorry you feel that way, I love you very much.” I have also replied back, “If you can’t say something nice about someone you should say anything at all.” I do think when you are homeschooling, it is tough when you are the main person teaching, discipline, etc. Even in homeschooling, build in some space between you, that might help a little.
As hard as it is, I would keep reminding yourself that she is six, and she is a child. She is more than likely lashing out because she thinks it will bother you and then you will do what she wants. You are a good mom! Keep telling yourself that. My new Self Talk curriculum might be really good for you to watch, it combats those lies like, “I’m not good enough” with scripture and teaches you how to overcome them.
Question 3: My daughter is a strong red 3 year old. We have been focusing recently on how we can be kind to our friends and younger sister. When I try to have a conversation with her about how we can be kind to our friends and ask her what are some ways we can be kind to her friends and sister her response is always negative and purposely says rude things that she knows it’s wrong to get a reaction. How can I respond without overreacting, but not ignoring her comments? For instance if I say “What are some ways we can show love to our friends at school today?” she will respond in a sassy tone, “I’ll take all the toys and not share and be naughty”
Karen’s Answer: Well, my first thought is when she is getting out of the car, I wouldn’t ask those types of questions because there really isn’t anything you can do about it. I would just say, “Have a great day!” When she gets home, ask her, “Tell me about your day and what happened.” IF she says she wasn’t nice to someone then ask her how she could have been nice. IF she give you a sassy answer, then I would say, “Why don’t you go to your room and think about a nice thing you could do for your friend. Don’t come out until you have something nice to say.” I would stop what she is doing and redirect her until she responds in a nice way. Usually if you will stop allowing her to do what she is doing, then she will change. Otherwise she will be spending a lot of time in her room by herself, which she will not like.
I think she is saying those things to get a rise out of you. Take that power away. You can reword your questions, or don’t ask her those questions, but catch her in the act and then punish her when she is not being nice. A punishment could be as simple as, “You cannot play with your toy until you apologize to your sister, and act kindly to her.”
Also, when she is being sweet, praise her like crazy!!!
Question 4: I am a stay-at-home-mom of 2 little boys - 3 1/2 and 1 1/2, who are both in stages that require a lot of attention and energy. My 3 1/2 year old is RED and very demanding. We’re trying to work on his attitude and obedience. My 1 1/2 year old has started to climb anything and everything, has no fear, and laughs at the word no. Just in the last few months, it’s become increasingly challenging to stay positive, calm and not yell at my boys. I do struggle with anxiety, and I know have a tendency to unravel quickly with frustration and I am trying to work on that in myself. Some days are great (usually the days oldest is in preschool and i can get out and run errands more easily) and other days I truly feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I usually throw the boys in the car and listen to your podcast and go for a drive. I honestly feel like I’m burnt out.
Any ideas for encouragement or ways to find peace in the chaos? I know it’s a season, and things will change and the boys will be (less) wild, but right now - it’s so hard.
Karen’s Answer:I get it!! The days you are in are tough, there is no easy way around it. My advice is to keep doing what you are doing, and don’t give up. All the hard work you are pouring into your children right now, will pay off, it just takes time. I love that you run your errands when your oldest is in pre-school, that is smart. Keep making wise choices like that, little things that make your life a little easier. Boys have a ton of energy and for me the best thing for them is to stay active playing outside, at the park, in the backyard and stuff like that. Keep finding little ways to bring your levels down, like driving in the car and listening to the podcast. You have great ideas, so keep em going. Pray and ask God to give you wisdom. But, overall you are doing a GREAT job!!! Keep up the good work, and just know everything you are experiencing is normal.
Question 5: Message: My almost 3 year old boy seems real red. Is this true for most toddlers or am I stuck with a red?
Karen’s Answer:Ha! Well, I would say that most toddlers show signs of Red, because they know what they want and they demand for you to listen, which are signs of a Red. But, it could just be the age. I will say though being a Red is not a bad thing. :) Reds have so many great qualities, and if you work with their strengths and not their weaknesses, they will grow up to be great leaders. Don’t be afraid of your Reds.
Question 6: My oldest is a fireball, she is a fun loving, bossy, attention-seeking, talkative girl and my 4 year old son is more quiet and laid back. With my oldest it is getting very challenging because she constantly pushes boundaries and often reacts with anger and wants things to always go her way. I am at a loss so many times on how to approach discipline and situations with her, even when I know that she has done something wrong. I love her to the moon and back, and she is very creative and loves life and wants to just take the world for herself, but how do I get her to see outside of herself in situations when she doesn’t get her way?
Karen’s Answer: With the Reds they want control ALL the time, so that is normal, and when they don’t get their way they get angry. Your little Red is doing exactly what all Reds do. You as a mom, have to teach your Red the right and wrong way to respond. I would get the book Personality Plus for Parents and read up on the Choleric temperament for your daughter. I would also get the book Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read that for yourself to learn how to hold the line with her. The best thing with a Red is for you to establish your authority and don’t give into her demands. Give your Reds choices so they “think” they are in control.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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