WT 263: How Do I Teach My Child to Be a Good Friend?
Whether it’s a friend’s bad behavior rubbing off on your child, or your child having trouble being a good friend, today Karen and Sunny are tackling your questions about friendship. As always, we hope this conversation encourages you right where you are, and gives you a practical tool (or two!) that you can put into practice with your kids today.
Mentioned on today’s episode:
WT 133: What Do I Do About Mean Girls?
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Question 1: I am a Blue/Red mom and have a Blue/Red 6 year old daughter. We homeschool but see friends at church, small groups, and playdates. Lately, I have noticed a change in the importance she places on what her friends are doing, how they are acting, and what they think. I have started to notice an attitude in my daughter when we are at home and not obeying in front of them. No matter how much time we spend with a particular friend, it is never enough and always causes conflict when we leave. Each time we go somewhere we talk about our family values - respect, honesty, gratitude. How do I encourage her to grow in her friendships, but encourage her to show our family values to them and when she is around them? Help! I know this is just the beginning of navigating girl friendship with her and want to start her off in healthy relationships.
Karen’s Answer: First off, what you are experiencing is normal. As our children get older, their peers begin to influence them more and more. My children did this exact thing, even with different colors. What I did, I had a conversation with my child letting them know that it is a privilege when we get to go spend time with our friends and if she acts out when we start to leave then I will be stopping that privilege until she can act in a mature way. That usually did the trick, the key is, you as a mom have to follow through with your plan. In my mind it’s a maturity thing, and if she can’t act the right way, then she isn’t ready for that activity.
Question 2: My just turned 7 yellow son is really struggling with selfishness and pride. He only wants to do things if he thinks it’s "fun" and he’s good at it...pretty typical yellow. He had his best friend over today and wasn't very kind, bragged about his sports skills (which I love him but he's not as good as he thinks he is) and wasn't making much effort to do the things his friend wanted to do. Any tips? I feel like despite our best efforts to talk with him about these things we don't seem to be getting anywhere....we are praying for God to ultimately change his heart.
Karen’s Answer: I think a lot of children struggle with this idea that “the world revolves around them” and it is our job as moms to bust that bubble. ☺ I know! Fun job, right? Once again, I think it’s a maturity issue, and you might need to have the same conversation as above just change a few things. I used to tell my children, “Let someone else brag on you, you don’t need to brag on yourself, it’s not attractive.”
Here is the deal moms, I think a lot of us skirt around the issues with our children because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. But, by not being “honest” with them, and teaching them how to act and behave, they are truly missing out. Wouldn’t you rather be the one that is honest with your child over a friend at school telling them they are being a jerk? I had, because I know I love my child unconditionally and I want them to act kindly towards others, and not just think it’s always about them, because it’s not.
Question 3: My daughter is 5.5 and super social. She is a high yellow and makes friends pretty easy. However, since starting school I have noticed she sometimes makes friends with the “mean girls,” who quite often will not treat her well. How do I coach her through remaining kind while not being a doormat?
Karen’s Answer: Mean girls can “look” appealing because they appear to be confident and have it all together. So at least acknowledge that. I used to tell my girls, “what are you giving up to be their friend? They boss you around, and only do what they want to do. That is not a true friend.”
As far as teaching her to stand up for herself, do some role playing. Meaning, go through a scenario with her. Ex: “When your friend tells you she will not be your friend if you are friends with the other girl, what are you going to say?” Then coach her on a good response.
Question 4: I have 3 girls, ages 2, 3.5 and 5. My oldest is very bossy and very self focused. She doesn’t “take care” of her sisters like I see some older siblings do, she doesn’t really seem empathetic. She will do things deliberately to cause problems with them. I know children are generally not selfless, I don’t expect her to take care of her sisters, but I’m worried about how to nurture her kindness. When I ask her how she would feel if someone did the same thing to her she says she would feel ‘sad’, then when I flip and say “so do you think you should do that to someone else?” she just shrugs her shoulders and eventually says no. She knows the right answer but doesn’t really seem to believe it.
Karen’s Answer:The way I taught Kelsey to be kind to her sisters was if she wasn’t kind to them, she could not play with her friends. The behavior with her sisters directly affected her social life, even as a 5 year old. For the most part that was enough motivation for her to keep it in check. Now of course she was not an angel all the time, and I would periodically throttle back her play dates with friends because of the way she was treating Emily, and I did that throughout her life. :) Kindness is a matter of the heart, so point out ways she could be kind in different situations and praise her like crazy when she is.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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