WT 264: Taking Family Values Outside the Home
We all want kids with great character, but how do you help your kids take the lessons you are teaching them at home out into the real world? Today Karen is sharing the family values she and Greg tried to instill in their kids (and why they never had a family mission statement!) while answering questions about character issues at school and on the ball field.
Mentioned on today’s episode:
Question 1: Hi Karen and BOAW team! I’m not sure if you covered this in a previous episode— I was wondering if you have any advice on how to create a set of family values... or if you have a handful of values that your family used as your kids were growing up? I’d like to write five down for us as a family to fall back on when we are in tough situations and I am finding it difficult to narrow these down/decide on the most important/impactful ones. I would love to hear about anything you used repeatedly as your kids grew up.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for your question. The ones that come to my mind right away are (not in any particular order) The first family value was God first. We chose to go to church, go on mission trips and be involved with our church as a family. Every family is different and there isn’t a right or wrong answer here. Be confident in what you choose, and don’t be afraid to shift gears if you see a need. Here were some of our values:
1- Treat others the way you want to be treated
2- Show respect to authority
3- Be honest - always
4- Be responsible and own your part of when you make mistakes
5- Always choose love
Question 2: My only child is a cheerful, outgoing, giving, and thoughtful Yellow. The problem? She lies. I have heard you and your husband talk about Emily’s lying. Any suggestions? My Scarlett is 7. We read the Bible to her, and she memorizes scripture like crazy. She is getting baptized this week. She is very Christ centered. We just want the lying to stop. The last time we are aware of was March. But before the quarantine, her teachers expressed a concern. What can we do about it?
Karen’s Answer: Children lie because they do not want to get in trouble or get caught in what they know is wrong. What I did with Emily was her punishment for lying was so severe she was more afraid of the punishment than getting in trouble . As far as “what” punishment for your sweet Scarlet only you know what her currency is and what truly works for her. But, it has to be more than normal. A normal time out will not work. I personally would not think she will outgrow it, I’ve found the more they get away with a lie the more they will lie, and their heart gets harder to it.
Also, if she is very spiritual, one thing that helped me never to tell even a white lie, is the fact that Jesus NEVER lied. That is pretty powerful. Jesus was always honest, no matter what.
Question 3: My 7 yr old, who is a high yellow, has been playing baseball since he was 3. He does great one-on-one at home, but when he gets on the field, he goofs off the entire time. I chalked it up to his immaturity for the first few seasons, but for the past maybe 4 seasons, I see a HUGE difference in him and his peers (and unfortunately, they see it too...). I have asked him to consider a different sport, like soccer, that might keep him moving and keep his attention longer, but he insists on baseball. I have tried threats and bribery to get him to behave on the field, but neither ever work. Any ideas on getting him to stop flopping around and being goofy? We are now at the stage where the other kids don't want to talk to him or play with him bc he is "being annoying". Additionally, the other parents don't talk to us bc we raised "that kid" it's embarrassing for my husband who was a baseball superstar so it's also causing strife in our marriage.
Karen’s Answer: Okay, this is a little tough love, but here goes. Your son just may not be mature enough to play the sport. I would sit him down and tell him at 7 these are the rules of the game and if he can’t do it the right way, then you are pulling him from the team. Then do it! Baseball is a team sport, so every member counts and if he isn’t going to take his position seriously then he isn’t old enough to play. Stick to your guns. It WILL be hard.
Question 4: My 3 yr old son has been acting out and getting in trouble lately at daycare. He’s kicking, hitting, pretend biting, screaming at nap time. Today he was sent home for kicking his teacher. He doesn’t kick, hit, or bite at home. They send home a behavior sheet daily and I talk with his teachers and the director daily as we try to correct this. How do I reinforce good behavior at daycare? Is he old enough to take privileges away at home or do punishments at home for being naughty at daycare? Both my husband and I work full time so him being sent home is not going to be an option. Today he had to occupy himself while I worked from home and I didn’t allow him to do “fun” stuff like play outside, but I’m kind of at a loss.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for your question. I think a three year old can understand the concept that he wasn’t good at school, so he is getting things taken away at home because of his behavior. I would tell him that when he goes to school he has to obey his teachers just like he obeys you and his dad, and if he doesn’t then he will get in trouble at school and when he gets home. I think what you did in not letting him have “fun stuff” to do when he was sent home was a good idea. Keep that up, and pretty soon he will get the message. I would remind him that he is a sweet boy, and he doesn’t normally act like that and tell him you know he can make good choices at school. I would make a big deal when he behaves well and tell him you are proud of him. Follow through is key with him.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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