WT 280: Marriage is Good, Hard Work
Between Karen and Sunny, we've got 54 years of marital wisdom coming your way in this episode! In this episode, they tackle questions about helping your husband prepare to be a dad, dealing with extended family issues as a couple, how to handle disagreements about the number of children in your family, and we even talk about the "s" word (yep, submission).
Tune in and share with a friend who might need encouragement during a hard season in their marriage!
Mentioned in this episode:
Mom Core Online - enroll today - course closes on September 8th!
Mothers of Teens Retreat - join us LIVE and IN PERSON!
Question 1: My husband and I are expecting our first baby (due in October). We got married last year and two months later got pregnant. I feel bad saying this but we weren't super excited at first because we had certain goals/dreams we wanted to accomplish before growing our family. We've had to process and in a way grieve our expectations of what our marriage would/should look like in this season. We are very thankful to God for this blessing and have genuine excitement about tackling this new season together but it's still a little scary. I know you often say motherhood is not for the faint of heart but what advice would you give a first time father to set him up for success? And what can I do as a wife to support him as he transitions into this new role soon? I'm a red/yellow, he is a blue/green. He has been amazing this whole pregnancy and I just want to love him well as he's juggling work, school, and soon parenting.
Karen’s Answer: Congratulations on your first baby! Listen, I think for many people the news of being pregnant can come as a shock, especially if you were not planning on it, and it takes time to adjust. When that little baby is born, they have a way of wiggling their way into your heart. I know you are excited now, and I promise that will only grow as your baby grows. It is a journey to be sure!
I love your question of how to support your husband. I think since he’s a blue/green then start there. Blues especially need space, silence, support and sensitivity. Keep those things in mind. Blues also want to do everything perfectly and sometimes parenting isn’t perfect so give him grace if/when he messes up, and assure him that you are both figuring it all out and learning together. There is no perfect way of parenting, so try and relieve him of that pressure. I would give lots of praise and encouragement for your sweet husband. Also, for you as a red/yellow, there will be plenty of times you are not going to feel in control, and that is okay too! Give yourself grace too. Hope that helps!
Question 2: Hello, in your book, 365 Devotions: Moments with God for Moms, you talk about how God wants us wives to submit to our husbands and that they should have the final word. But what about when you feel strongly? What about when they’re a fool? For example, I would’ve been submissive when my husband got drunk years ago and dropped 5k on Paul McCartney tickets. Instead, I was a rebel and made him return the tickets the next morning. Surely this would be an instance when it makes sense to be a rebel?!
Karen’s Answer: Just because you talked some sense into your husband after he made a foolish purchase doesn’t mean you are not submissive, you are expressing your thoughts and wisdom to your husband, which is fine. I can’t say it’s ever right to “rebel” against your husband, because that goes against what God tells us throughout the Bible, that wives should submit to their husbands. Husbands don’t get off easily though, because God also calls them to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Jesus died for the church, so that is a pretty big love. I don’t always think it is easy to submit, I think it can be very difficult at times, but God does call us to that. God doesn’t say, “Submit when you agree, or submit when your husband is leading well”. I am for talking things through with your husband and trying to get on the same page. Ultimately, you are submitting to God because he is the one who is asking you to submit. Maybe that will help if you think of it that way. Hope that helps.
Question 3: Hi Karen, I wanted to ask your opinion on a sensitive topic. My husband and I love our families very much but a lot of our extended family drinks in excess, especially at holidays and special occasions. We have chosen to abstain completely from alcohol in our marriage and before our son was born, it wasn’t hard to ignore all the drinking. As our young son is growing though, we are very sensitive about his exposure to alcohol and are torn on how much exposure is too much. I worry about normalizing excessive alcohol intake and social drinking but don’t want to avoid our family all the time either. My husband and I were both offered drinks underage by our families and don’t want that pressure for my son. Other than bathing our son in prayer and teaching him boundaries, what are some tips you could advise this toddler mama?
Karen’s Answer: I would keep an eye out on your son, and then even if people are joking around about “give him a drink” I would let them all know exactly where you stand. I think you and your husband can manage it very well at the age your son is now, but as he gets older you may have to be more bold in letting your family know how you feel. I know family is important and that is so good, but if they cross the line to something you feel strongly about, you may need to limit your time with them until your son is older. I don’t think you are there now, just keep that in mind for the future.
Question 4: How do I approach my husband when we are not on the same page about the number of children that we want? My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have 2 beautiful and healthy sons, ages 2 years and 6 months. I would like to have a third. However, my husband has said his max # is 2 and he thinks we are too old (I'm 38, he's 40) to have any more kids. While I don't agree with his age argument, I'm unsure of how to approach him, to discuss the topic in a way that will open him up to see another viewpoint? I understand we got married later in life, but I've always dreamed of having 3 kids. If we are really done after 2 I'm afraid there will always be this pull on my heart wishing we had a third. To me our family doesn't seem complete, but I know my husband doesn't feel the same way. All of this isn't to say that I don't know how incredibly blessed I am. I spent most of my 20s and early 30s, thinking I'd never find a spouse. But God provided. I had two miscarriages before we had our first son, and thought I might never be a mother. But God provided. My prayer lately has been for God to either change my heart or change my husband's, however if I'm being totally honest, what I really want is for God to just give me what I want. Ugly I know. Help please!
Karen’s Answer:It’s not ugly to want a child. I hear you and understand. I would do exactly what you are doing... pray. If you want your husband to have an open mind, then you need to be willing to have an open mind. I can understand what he is saying with the health risks the older you get. He has a point. But, you are not being ugly. If you have always dreamed of 3, it will be something you have to grieve if you can’t get it. I would set a time where you and your husband talk both sides through. Pray together about it and really listen to each other. If you are willing to take the risk, tell your husband your “why”.
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