WT 313: Transitioning Your Toddler to More Independence
Today’s episode is about that season when your toddler is growing more independent. From using the bathroom, to getting dressed, this is the "I do it myself!" phase of life. You’d think that means life gets easier for a mom, but each new season comes with its own difficulties. Listen in as Karen offers advice for keeping little escape artists safe, moving toddlers to a "big kid" bed and letting go of control so your little one can learn.
Question 1: I have a 3 year old daughter and 9mo baby girl and I feel like I’m at my wits end with my toddler’s desire for independence. She wants to do EVERYTHING herself and she’s very vocal about it. She wants to turn on the lights (she pulls a stool up every time, not kidding...she’ll go upstairs to get a stool to turn on a light downstairs, no joke!), get dressed, everything involved with using the bathroom, getting in and clicking her car seat, pouring her drinks, opening doors, etc. She is fierce about it, too! I just don’t know what to do. I’ve heard you say as the mom I’m the boss, but I just don’t know how to handle this stage. Do I put her in time out every time she demands doing something herself she simply can’t do or that I don’t want her to? Would so appreciate ANY advice!!!
Karen’s Answer: I would let her do things by herself. The more she does by herself, the better it is for you. I
can see why you wouldn’t want her going upstairs to get a stool to bring downstairs, but just get another stool for the first floor. Let her do all of her bathroom stuff by herself, you can say, “Let me check and make sure you wiped good.” But, other than that, I’d let her do it. All except for pouring her own drink. You can pre-pour the sippy cup and have it on the shelf in the refrigerator, to help her out. In my opinion there is nothing wrong in her exercising her independence. I liked that. For you, is it that you don’t want to let her do it by herself because she doesn’t do it right? She makes a mess? You want to be in control and she wants to be in control? Maybe figure out that answer, then you will know what is driving you crazy. If it’s the “not doing it right”- she’s learning which is good. If it’s she makes a mess, then teach her to clean it up, “if you do it by yourself and you make a mess then you have to clean it up.” If it’s control- then realize her being independent helps you in the long run. Don’t fight it.
Question 2: Question 2: When is it time to move your toddler to a big kid bed? I have a two and a half year old who is content in her crib. She seems to just know that when she's in her crib, it's rest or sleep time. I enjoy it too knowing she's safe and confined during sleep times. I also have a newborn and I have an hour and a half each day when both babies are in bed and I can do other things. We spent one night away recently and did not have a crib or pack and play and it was an absolute disaster. We have a good thing going and I do not want to mess it up, but I'm also afraid I'm holding her back from an important milestone.
Karen’s Answer: I would let her stay in her bed as long as she wants. Sleep is king!!! Especially with your children being so close in age, you need to get your stuff done too. I do not think you are holding her back from any milestone. :)
Question 3: We’ve had a few rough months with my (just turned) 3 year old. She suddenly began rejecting her dad’s help. For anything. He can’t do anything for her: brush her teeth, take her to the potty, put her in her car seat.. you name it. Sure, we can (and have) make her allow him, but it’s exhausting for me and hurtful to him. She even throws in phrases like “I don’t love him, daddy’s not my friend.”
We’ve made it a point for them to spend one-on-one time together. Things have improved some but there are also rough nights that leave him frustrated and me drained. For background, we had a new baby earlier this year. That made her cling to her dad more than me but that’s obviously changed. He thinks it stems back to this summer when he was gone a week to take the youth to church camp. I don’t know what to do! I just want to see these two people I love get along again.
Karen’s Answer: I would let him do the night time routine on a regular basis. You probably need to leave the house, so she has to depend on Dad. Maybe during the weekend, let him take her to do something fun like get ice cream, just the two of them. With him being gone that week in the summer, she could be putting up a wall because she doesn’t want to hurt like that again when he’s gone. She will come around, it’s just a power move with her right now. Her little world has had some changes, so she’s trying to figure it all out, in a little 3 year old’s mind. You just help her know that both mommy and daddy love her very much and life is okay. ☺ Even when Daddy goes away for a week, it’s okay.
Question 4: Did you ever have to secure your front door to keep your toddler/preschooler from opening it and letting themselves out? This is a very new behavior, but very scary. The other day I was grabbing a nap. I was awoken by my son standing next to my bed with an Amazon package in his arms and a huge grin on his face, “Here you go mama, I a big helper”. He had woken up from his nap, unlocked the deadbolt & opened the front door, grabbed the package that had been delivered and brought it in to me without a peep. This was all while my husband was awake and working in our home office. Short of drilling a hole at the top of my front door to install an upper deadbolt (which, let’s be honest, is a last resort because it will look odd) I’m at a loss of what to do to keep him safe and the door locked.
Karen’s Answer: Taylor was my escape artist. Bottom line, you do what you have to do to keep them inside and safe. It may look funny now, but worth it in the long run, then after he grows up, get a new front door.
Question 5: My 4-year-old red/yellow daughter has developed a bad habit! None of my other children did this, so I'm just not sure how to discipline it. She is hiding things such as the remote control, a sibling's special stuffed animal, etc. It is always other people's stuff and things she knows are important. Her motivation is us asking where it is, and then her getting to be the hero by knowing where it is and running to get it.
It seemed harmless at first, but now she is lying if she senses she will get in trouble for taking something. Also, last night she was already asleep and we could not find the remote for like an hour before we finally found it!! How would you handle this?
Karen’s Answer: She’s totally doing it for attention, but I would ask her to stop and tell her it’s not funny. She can be the hero in other areas. Then I would tell her the next time she does it, she will be punished. That’s what I would do. Usually that would fix the problem, if they knew they were going to get into trouble, my kids would then stop.
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