WT 314: Transitioning Your Tween into Adolescence
Ahhhhh adolescence. Everyone’s favorite time of life. Today’s episode is about that transition from almost teen to full blown teenager. From pushing boundaries to pulling away emotionally, Karen offers wisdom for how to help your child when they still have one foot in both worlds.
Question 1: I have 3 boys: 7, 10, and 13. Our neighborhood has a lot of older (tweenage) boys and my younger boys “play up” a lot when they are all outside: nerf wars, riding bikes, that kind of thing. It’s old fashioned, good clean play and I love it! However, lately I have realized the younger ones are picking up some bad language from the older boys. Things like saying frick and crap. I’ve talked to my oldest about the language he uses and he says it’s coming from his friends. I don’t know how true that is! Would you stop the younger boys from hanging around the older ones? How do I teach my 13 year old son to set an example? Is that too much to ask of him? I love that they all hang out together, but I don’t want the littles picking up bad habits from the teens. Thanks for your thoughts.
Karen’s Answer: It is hard when you have younger children because they always want to “play up” and they are usually exposed to things at a younger age. I guess my answer is really a question, “what does your momma gut tell you?” When you hear your 7 year old say, “frick or crap” and you know it’s coming from the older kids, what does your gut tell you? I was talking to a mom of a teenager girl, she was like 13 I think and she said, should I not let my daughter watch TikTok, I don’t think it’s good for her self worth. I told her, “Your gut is giving you the answer, follow it and ask God to give you courage to do what you know you need to do.”
It's not that teaching your 12 year to be a good example is wrong, that’s not wrong, but it’s not all on him. If the other tweens are talking with bad language, your 7 year will respond, because it’s cool. When I saw behavior change in my younger kids, then I knew I had to make changes if I wanted a different behavior.
You could limit the amount of time your younger children are playing and see if that helps.
Question 2: My oldest (son) is 12 years old and in 6th grade. We do not agree with giving him a cell phone yet for several reasons. He argues and blows up at us almost daily about this, saying that he gets picked on constantly at school for not having one. It’s causing so much strife in our family life, etc. There are a few friends of his that don’t have phones either but they don’t seem to get picked on. The school allows phones but teachers have to monitor this and some don’t care as much. I don’t want to give in and get one to alleviate his problems but I’m so tired of and worried about all of his extreme emotions over this. What advice do you have? I should also add that he’s a very strong willed, oppositional child who is not easily reasoned with.
Karen’s Answer: I personally would stick to your gut. You have very good reasons, have you told your son what those reasons are? If not, tell him, and just say, “these are our rules for our family. This will be not be the first time in life you aren’t having what other people have, that is not the solution. This will build your character.” He will not like that answer, but that is okay. You are the parent that knows the dangers in giving him a cell phone too early. Stick to your gut.
Question 3: Are there any “right of passage” things you did with your daughters when they entered adolescence? My daughter is 12 and I want to make 13 feel special and handle things like her getting her period in a fun way, but I don’t have any great ideas! ;)
Karen’s Answer: Oh goodness, I don’t think there is anything you can do to make getting your period fun! Sorry. I’m a Yellow too, and I can make most anything fun. At 12 I did tell my girls to start carrying a pad in their purse or backpack just in case it started at school. I just wanted them to be prepared and not embarrassed. I did show them how to use it, even though it’s pretty self- explanatory. We did talk about how it is normal, natural, and part of becoming a woman. Nothing to be afraid of, it’s just part of life. Then when they did start, and there were tears, I listened and hugged a lot.
Question 4: My son is 12 and it feels like he’s pulling away from me. Nothing big like he doesn’t like me anymore, things just feel different now, almost like I don’t know what to say to him sometimes. Part of me thinks it’s totally normal as he heads toward becoming a man but part of me really doesn’t want to lose him/his heart. Any advice for keeping a close relationship without being weird and clingy in these years?
Karen’s Answer: I love that you are asking. ☺ I also love that you realize it is natural. It is natural. He is growing into a man. What I did in those years, is I tried not to push Taylor too much to come sit with me, talk with me, hug me, like we used to, but I tried to accept his growing up as just part of life. We tried to dial up his and Greg’s relationship more and that was good. Greg took on more of the discipline, and I was just there for support more than anything. You are not losing him, it’s just changing. Boys always love their mommas even when they don’t act like it. He will come back. Try and “do” what he loves to do, when you can to get into his world a little. I used to walk the golf course with Taylor. Not my favorite thing in the world, but it gave us time to be together without being awkward. Enjoy the times you do have with him and enjoy watch him turn into a man, it’s a cool process.
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