WT 315: Transitioning Your High Schooler into Adulthood
Just when you think you’re getting a handle on motherhood, your child moves into a new season of life and you’ve got to relearn everything! Today we're talking about high schoolers on the verge of adulthood. Karen shares her thoughts on how to let go without giving up, how to guide without pushing and how to handle college students when they come back home.
Question 1: My 17-year-old daughter would rather sleep than go to church - very common I know, but my husband and I are telling her that while she’s living in our house she will go to church. We do not care where, but she will go to church. Do you think this will turn her away from church?
Karen’s Answer: I did the same thing with my children. I felt like as long as they were living under my roof, they could abide by my rules and it was just one hour a week, which they could do. Her decision to walk away from the church or stay with it will be on her. I always figured if she is there at least they are hearing about God, which is good.
Question 2: My oldest son is 17, he wants to please, generally follows the rules and we have no trouble from him in terms of attitude or back talking. But...he has been vaping off and on for 2 years. We found a vape hidden in his closet when he was 15 and he admitted to doing it. We've talked in length about the dangers of vaping, we took his keys away with exception to school and work, we took his phone away for weeks, and he was grounded for weeks.
We found a vape again at 16 years old and followed with a longer punishment. Then earlier this year we found another vape. We put him on lockdown for a month and resorted to testing him randomly for nicotine. I had some suspicions again recently and told him last week I was testing him and he said “don’t bother...I won’t pass.” *sigh* We’ve asked him why he does it and he says he likes it. He’s researched it and says vaping isn’t that bad. He says he’s not addicted, but I don’t believe it. He was ashamed of it at one point, but now he just wants to because he likes it. I’m at a loss. He says he buys it at vape stores, and no one cards him!! Please help...how should we handle this?
Karen’s Answer: Honestly, I think you are doing all you can be doing. He is addicted, being addicted is simply physically or mentally dependent on a substance. I can be addicted to Diet Coke. You could do some research on your own and let him know the bad effects of Vaping, there is a lot of information out there to back that up. He is still underneath your roof, so you should have the final say, on what is allowed and is not allowed in your home. But, you probably cannot make him stop. He is addicted to the nicotine in the vaping and I did read that it is not good for your lungs.
Question 3: How can I best support the transition to college? My daughter has moments where she gets nervous and questions her college decision and leaving home.
Karen’s Answer: I’d let her know , that is normal, and we all question the unknown. That is what college is for her right now, the unknown. Will she be happy, will she find friends, will she fit in? All very normal. She will never be able to answer those questions until she goes and tries it out. I always encourage my child to stick it out one full year, then at the end of her first year make an assessment of whether to stay or transfer somewhere else. You can assure her everything she is questioning is normal, but she has to go and try it before she can truly decide.
Question 4: When your child comes home from college, how do you handle house rules?
Karen’s Answer: My house rules stayed the same. It’s still my house. My kids would push back and say, “When I was at college, I could do what I wanted come in as late as I want.” I would agree with them, but then say, “This is my house and my rules.” But, that is just me, you have to decide what you can tolerate and what you want.
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