WT 327: Equipping Our Kids to Handle their BIG Emotions
Have you ever been taken aback by the BIG feelings coming out of your child's small body? Today we're talk about angry outbursts, emotional meltdowns, sibling jealousy, and a crippling fear of failure. Listen and learn from Karen's wisdom so you can help equip your kids to handle big emotions.
Mentioned on today’s episode:
A Grown Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring
Snag Karen’s devotional and start the school year off right: Moments with God for Moms
Question 1: Help! My early-elementary age kids are so quick to anger!! How do I help them process this emotion in a healthy way? I fear my husband and I have been poor examples of slowness to anger.
Karen’s Answer: You need to start with yourself first before you start teaching it to your child, because if they don’t see it in you they will not listen. I know, that is tough advice, hard to hear. ☹ I’m sorry! But, it’s true. I have learned this the hard way with my children. Children are the quickest to call out a hypocrite.
Anger is a secondary emotion, there is something at the root of it. You have to figure out where your anger is coming from. Are you not getting your way, is their injustice going on that is making you mad, is life not fair, does it feel like you can’t catch a break, jealousy? Whatever it is try to figure it out. When you do figure it out, that is half the battle. Example: there was a time in my life I had someone that drove me crazy. I would get so angry with what she said, how she acted, etc. This person couldn’t breathe the right way with me, and my anger would boil inside of me. One day, I started praying about it, and asking God to get rid of this anger inside of me. He revealed to me, “You are jealous of her”. Ugh! That was the last thing I wanted to hear but it was true. I was. Life seemed easy for her and hard for me, and it wasn’t fair in my mind. But, that was it. Once I realized the cold hard truth, I confessed it before God and myself, and low and behold my jealousy went away and so did my anger. Once you learn this principle in your life, then teach it to your children. Help them do the hard heart work! It’s tough, but it’s so much better to learn it when you are young!
Question 2: I have three kiddos ages 7, 5, and 6 months. My two boys (5 and 7) are very close. As my 7 yr old gets older, there also comes more privileges like sleep overs and play dates. My 5 yr old has a melt down every time older brother gets to do one of these things and he’s not included. Any tips on how to help my kiddo process this feeling that he’s always missing out?
Karen’s Answer: I think you continue to tell your 5 year old his day will come, but it’s not now. Remind him that his 7 year old brother wasn’t doing sleepovers at 5 years old. It gives the younger something to look forward to. I know it’s hard on the younger siblings. We are all disappointed when things don’t go our way, it’s how we respond that shows what we are made of. I used to tell my children, “because you are acting this way, you are showing me that you are not mature enough for a sleepover. I know you are disappointed, but you can’t pitch a fit like that. If you want to be able to go to a sleepover when you are 7 then you need to start acting mature now.”
Question 3: I am just at my wits end! My six year old (yellow/red) has become increasingly more of a perfectionist. Or something like that...she has nightmares about people laughing at her at her talent show. I showed her something I wanted her to try (a back handspring) and she freaked out. Said she could never do that and wanted to quit altogether. Without ever trying. Then she shakes with anger. I am always encouraging. I don’t know what I did to make this happen or how to help her. Please, I need your wisdom.
Karen’s Answer: From what you are describing your daughter doesn’t sound like she is a yellow at all, but more of a Red/Blue. Reds do NOT want to be embarrassed at all and the perfectionism is straight Blue. Yellows do not have any perfectionistic tendencies in them at all. They could care less about something being perfect. Maybe you need to re-think her colors. :) Keep in mind, Reds have four needs: Control, Loyalty, Sense of Control, Appreciation, and Credit for Work. The Blue’s needs are: Space and Silence, Sensitivity, Safety, Support. When you are parenting think through these lenses. If you start focusing on her needs see if you see a difference in her. You suggesting the back handspring to her felt too big and shut her down. So just be aware. Kathleen Edelman’s book “A Grown Up’s Guide to Kid’s Wiring” is a great resource for the temperaments.
Question 4: Long time listener, first time asking a question! :) Thanks in advance, I really appreciate your wisdom and godly advice! My oldest daughter has been having a really hard time with comparison, competition and honestly, just jealousy of her younger sister.
My 11yo is smart, responsible, and competitive. My 8yo is charismatic, bubbly, and an academically gifted student. The trouble is that there are many things that my oldest has to work so hard to accomplish, but my younger one seems to breeze right through with little work.
Whether it’s multiplication, reading levels, bible memorization- it all naturally comes easier to my younger daughter. My oldest notices everything and takes it personally, like she “isn’t good enough” and her “sister is better at everything.” Every time something happens, it ruins her day, making her moody and sad, and hurts her sister who just wants to be celebrated sometimes.
We’ve talked with her about how she is not in competition with anyone but herself, how she has her own unique gifts that God gave her, how jealousy is a sin, and how she needs to be happy for her sister and celebrate her successes, without comparing. Nothing seems to get through to her. How can I help her fight off jealousy and encourage their sister relationship?
Karen’s Answer: Sibling rivalry can be fierce. It sounds like you are doing all the “right” things, and my advice is to keep doing what you are doing. My two older girls did the same thing, but the younger one felt insecure with the older one. It took a LONG time for Emily, my second daughter, to see and believe her value. I used to always share with my girls that God made them exactly the way they were and everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It takes a long time for our children to believe it. Pray also that God will start revealing your daughter’s beauty and strength to her. You are doing a good job momma! Keep going!
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