WT 328: When You and Your Spouse Disagree on Parenting Style
We all know focusing on a healthy marriage should be a priority while you raise kids, but sometimes your kids are the source of conflict in your marriage! Today Karen and Sunny are answering your questions about how to navigate the inevitable disagreements that go hand in hand with parenting together.
Mentioned on today’s episode:
Our newest study: Survival Guide to Motherhood (ages 0-5)
Question 1: Hello ladies! My question for you is on discipline - My husband and I tend to disagree when it comes to disciplining our children. We have 2 year old twins at home - a boy and a girl. I lean towards gentle parenting and he leans towards the more traditional ways. I feel that it is confusing our kids and would like to find a happy medium when we both feel like we have our touch of how to handle situations. What advice do you have for us? I know that each child and situation is different, but advice and ideas would be very appreciated!
Karen’s Answer: Honestly, I think it’s good that one is soft and the other harder. Your children need both. ☺ Truly. I already said I was harder and Greg softer, and my rule of thumb was when Greg was watching them and I was out of the house, then his way was the right way. Same with me. When we came together to “parent” and were both involved, we just had to work it out between the two of us. Lots of “can you help me understand why you handled that situation that way?” Or, “Karen, I think you were too hard with the kids today.” And me saying, “Tell me why you think that, and this is the reason I seemed hard, I’ve been working on that situation for weeks now, and I’m about at my breaking point. I’m open to any suggestions.” Like anything else in marriage, it takes A LOT of communication.
Question 2: I have 3 kids ages 6, 2.5, and 1. My husband has decided he wants to start a reward and responsibility chart for our 6 year old. When she makes her bed, feeds the dog, puts dishes away, she gets points. And at the end of each week she gets a reward. I have to say the system is working. She is doing more chores and when she gets an attitude, she loses points, so it helps.
So the problem is not this system per se, but how we think about money and our kids. I grew up in a single family household and I was expected to help. I never got rewarded, but my mom also did everything she could to provide. I had a job as a teenager which helped us out. I really don’t want our children to have jobs in high school. I want school to be their job and maybe a sport.
I didn’t realize how differently we thought about this. I feel like chores should just be expected of my kids. My husband feels strongly that he doesn’t want to just hand out money to the kids when they are older, he wants them to earn it.
We want the same outcome - independent, responsible adults, but we’re really battling when it comes to how to achieve that. Can you help us?
Karen’s Answer: Good news is, the system is working :). My philosophy was usually, if it’s working keep doing it. The bottom line is your daughter is 6, so right now, you are just incorporating the idea and principles into her mind. Over time, she will see the benefit of them, and hopefully they will become habits. There is always more than one way to teach responsibility to a child. You learned out of necessity because your household was a single parent. You saw first- hand how hard your mom was working, and you wanted to help out in whatever way you could. That is not the case with your daughter, which is a blessing, so you have to go a different route. The other good news is your husband is involved. Thank God for that. :) It is a true blessing. Don’t worry about what you will do in the teenage years, you will figure those years out then.
Question 3: My husband is a wonderful man, but I am at my wit’s end with his forgetfulness. He regularly forgets trash day, sometimes two weeks in a row. And most importantly, he forgets when I need him home to watch our youngest so I can do a doctor appt for the older one or something else like that. I will tell him and remind him and he still forgets the night before and acts surprised about it to the point of being super upset he has to rearrange his schedule.
I'm out of ideas after trying so many things like sharing phone calendars or visual reminders. These are OUR kids, right?
Karen’s Answer: Yes, they are both of your kids. Honestly, I would keep doing what you are doing, maybe add in some sticky notes. ☺ One in his car on the steering wheel. I would also talk to him and say, “what is the block here? Do you not want to watch the children? If that is the case, just tell me and I can work on getting a sitter, but you are making everyone late, or missed appointments. Let’s figure this out together.”
Question 4: Let me preface all of this by saying, my husband is a fantastic dad. But he’s BLUE BLUE BLUE, so I’m hoping Karen you have some good insights to give me here. Blue = high expectations and he seems (to me at least) so quick to come down on our kids for what I see as very normal kid behavior.
For instance, this morning our 8 year old was getting breakfast from the pantry and had a coughing fit. Bless his heart, he’s sick! Instead of waiting for our son to recover and asking if he was okay, my husband jumped in with, “dude, you just coughed ALL OVER all of our food! Cover your mouth!!”... in a harsh tone.
What’s the best approach for me when I see something that feels overly harsh for the child’s behavior? Is it best to let it go? To give him a look? To talk to him about it later? I don’t want our kids growing up having the view of him as the harsh parent.
Karen’s Answer: I would for sure talk to him about it later, and knowing me I’d be giving a look too! ☺ I would just remind him that they are children, and no, it is not the “most hygienic” thing to cough over food, but your son just forgot because he’s sick! It is hard to get a Blue to see that anything less than excellent is good. Keep talking!
I talked to Greg throughout our children’s life. When Kelsey was in kindergarten I told Greg, “she is putting so much pressure on herself you cannot add to it.” As the children grew and Greg would complain that they didn’t do a good job with their chores or homework or whatever, I would tell him they are trying and doing their best. I will say this, in defense of your Blue husband - my children all looked up to and respected their dad. They would die for him. All my children developed a great work ethic to impress Greg, not me and for that I’m glad. So, it’s not all bad living with the Blue, even though it is challenging. ☺
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