WT 340: Tackling Sensitive Topics with Your Teenager
What topics aren’t sensitive when you’re talking to a teenager! Today Karen is tackling tricky questions, from how to talk about health issues and personality differences to sneaky behavior and dealing with aging parents. As always, Karen doles out her trademark practical wisdom with some gems for the teenage years!
Mentioned on today’s episode:
Karen’s new book is available for pre-order!
Take Birds on a Wire’s personality colors quiz HERE
Dive into more on the personality colors! Find loads of BOAW resources HERE.
Kathleen Edelman’s A Grown Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring
Question 1: I am a mother of four - three girls and one boy - all teenagers. During covid, one of my daughters (age 17) developed unhealthy eating habits - a lot of snacking, carelessness with a lot of high sugar "bad" foods, no exercise, etc. and put on some weight. I can tell that she is not happy about it, but she won't talk to me and has continued with the bad eating habits. Her siblings don't deal with this and are at their healthy weight. Attempts in the past to talk to her about this didn't go well.
How do I approach this without making her feel like I want to "fix" her? I don't want to leave her in it as I can see she is unhappy. Food/weight always feels like a landmine - do you address it or ignore it? Help!
Karen’s Answer: I think you can address it without saying anything about her weight. With girls especially you have to be super careful. My son did the same thing, not during COVID but when he was in middle school. I told Taylor, I wanted to get in shape and would he do a running program with me? I thought it would be good for us to do it together. He agreed, and Taylor started to trim down a little bit because of his running. He didn’t lose a ton of weight, but enough to where he became more “aware” . You could try that, or try other things to get her out of her bad habits. You may have to quit buying the bad foods for the house and tell the family you want to start eating healthier so the sugar has to go. Don’t make it about her, but about you. Bottom line, she has to be the one that wants to change.
Question 2: My husband and I have three daughters ages 15, 13, and 9. We are dealing with my mother, who is widowed and battling dementia, and we have strong suspicions my father-in-law is dealing with dementia as well. It is very difficult to keep balance regarding our needs vs the needs of our children and of our aging parents. Trying to maintain and meet the needs of our daughters is challenging as our parents often have issues that seem more urgent inthe moment. Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Karen’s Answer: I can only speak from my own experience, but I understand that when our parents are wanting something, they are not patient and want it NOW. I’ve had to tell my parents, “I will come and help you with that, but right now, I have a few things to do for my family.” My mindset was that my first priority was still to my children when they were under my roof. As long as my parents were safe and not in harm’s way, it could wait. Even though they can’t remember the boundary, you can. So stick to it. Boundaries are meant to help you, not the other person. I know it is expensive and if you don’t have long term health coverage or some type of insurance to assist, this may not be an option, but as much as possible hire out the care - giving role to a professional. It is too hard on adult children to provide that care, and if you are like me, I am not qualified.
When you can, take your children along to help with their grandparents. Hopefully, that will give your children some compassion for all that is on your shoulders. Last thing, when my dad was dying and it was so hard on me and my family, I just told the children, “I’m swamped right now with PopPop and I’m not going to be available for a little while. I really need you to give me grace. I’m very tired, and I appreciate your understanding.”
Question 3: I’m very aware of my kids’ personality colors and I do tend to parent them differently based on those. However, they all seem very annoyed by this and get involved and upset if they think their siblings are getting away with something. How do I explain this to them? (They are all teenagers!) All of them are different colors!
Karen’s Answer: Educate them on the colors! That helped my family better understand one another. You can have them take our quiz, listen to some of our podcast episodes or read our blog posts at birdsonawiremoms.com/personality-resources or you could grab Kathleen Edelman’s I Said this, You Heard That study and go through it as a family.
Next- tell them you are the mom and you are parenting the best you know how. When they get to be parents, they can parent how they think is best. Lastly, I used to tell my kids, I know you want it all to be “fair” but life isn’t always fair and I’m doing the best I know how. I don’t need you to give me parenting advice. Hope that helps!
Question 4: My 13 year old daughter is starting to be sneaky. It started with food at night, after we’ve gone to bed. Now it is with electronics in her room. She doesn’t seem remorseful. She isn’t changing her behavior. How do you start to address a disobedient heart with your child? I feel like consequences are not working.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for writing in your question. Sneaky is tough! But, my advice is to be consistent, catch her always, and give consequences always. It may not seem like it is working, but keep at it. I would always be aware where your electronics are and even lock them up. You need to tell her, and I’m sure you have, that if you can’t trust her, she will continue to lose privileges, and you will not let her do “new” things. Trust is key. I would pray for her heart. Only she and God can change that. You are doing a great job! Keep it up!
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