WT 341: Handling Extended Family (Especially Around the Holidays!)
The holidays are a special time of year but they can be extremely tricky for families. Whether you're traveling or staying home, struggling with your mother-in-law or your own mom, there’s lots of family time involved and that often leads to tension. Today Karen gives moms tips for having tactful conversations with grandparents, preparing our kids for situations that are outside the everyday, and being especially proactive as we parent at this time of year.
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Question 1: I’ve noticed a trend that my mother in law tends to buy gifts that are either physically enormous or not age appropriate. I feel like I have to hold on to these gifts for years before my child can actually use them or they take up SO much space in our small home (6 ft tall teddy bear anyone?). Would it be rude to ask if I can approve gifts before she purchases them? I know she means well but I hate living amongst the giant ghosts of Christmas’ past! How can I approach this conversation?
Karen’s Answer: Maybe this Christmas share with your MIL a “wish list” from your girls. Tell her you are working off this list too, so you wanted to see which gifts she was getting so the two of you don’t buy the same gift. I think that should help. You may occasionally get crazy gifts, but maybe it will not be as often! Hope that helps!
Question 2: Hey girls! I have two sons, 8 year old (red) and 6 year old (red/green). My question is…why do my children behave terribly when I have other children at my house? For instance, when my sister-in-law brings my three nephews over occasionally to our house and play. My boys act like they forget the rules when their cousins come over. They also become bossy and territorial over their toys and things. I would love for my nephews to visit more frequently, but the way my boys behave when their cousins and friends are at our house leaves me exhausted and frustrated. Plus, I feel bad for getting on to my children the entire time. Any advice is very much appreciated!
Karen’s Answer: when children have company they just sort of lose their minds a little. What I would do is sit them down before the cousins come and remind them of the rules. I would tell them if they start “forgetting” the rules then you are going to pull them aside and give them one warning and if they keep it up the cousins will have to leave. You will only have to do this one time and your boys will learn you mean business. It is a bummer, I know, for you and your sister in law, but sometimes the best way to teach our children is for them to learn from experience.
Question 3: Hi there, I am a new mom to an 8 month old baby. I am VERY close to my family and moved away from them (to another state) when my husband and I got married. We live near my husband's family and we work with his mom, so I see my MIL a couple times a week and she gets to be around my baby during that time.
Seeing my MIL as often as I do has created jealousy in me because my mom doesn't get to be around me and my baby like she does. What boundaries would you create to help this dynamic?
Karen’s Answer: It is normal and natural for you to want your mom to be part of your child’s life as much as your MIL. Your MIL is benefiting from you working with her, and she hasn’t really overstepped any boundaries so to speak.
I think you just need to manage your feelings and your jealousy concerning the situation. I would be ever mindful of where your heart is and ask God on a regular basis to show you when your heart is getting sideways. I can tell you from experience, my children have lived close to one set of grandparents and far away from the other, and they love them exactly the same. I grew up with the same scenario and loved both sets exactly the same. When you start to feel like your mom is losing out, you need to remind yourself of all the good happy memories you are making when she visits and how special that is. Hope that helps!
Question 4: My daughter spends 3 days a week while I work with her grandparents - she has 3 sets that live close- and is blessed to be able to see them weekly. One set of grandparents is my mom and step dad and they completely understand her personality type (RED!) and help me with reinforcing discipline and not letting her run the show. The other 2 sets of grandparents let her do whatever she wants. So the next day when I am home with her seems to just be trying to rein her in!
I am worn out but wanted some advice: do I talk to the grandparents about her personality and ask them to be tougher or do I just leave it and deal with it? Thank you for your time!
Karen’s Answer: I don’t think it would be a bad idea to talk to the grandparents and try to educate them on your daughter’s temperament. They may not receive it really well, but you never know if you don’t try. Try to break it down for them, tell them that her key word is control, she gets what she wants out of anger and what her strengths and weaknesses are. Let them know you are trying to parent toward her strengths, and give some examples of that. Then I would give them examples of what she is trying to pull off at your house, and how you have to deal with it. Maybe give them simple ways they could work with you, and how helpful it would be for you. :) Hopefully that helps!
Question 5: My son just turned 4 and he is definitely taking a turn for the worse. He can be so rude to people, especially family. If his Grandma asks for a high five, he'll just straight up ignore her. People will speak to him and say bye to him or something and he will just not even look at them or acknowledge them. It is embarrassing and hurts their feelings and mine. We will be seeing a lot of family this month and I’d like to nip this behavior in the bud! What do I do about rudeness?
Karen’s Answer: I think it might be time to sit down with your son and have a heart to heart with him. Since he’s four he may be developing some bad habits and you just need to teach him that his actions are not appropriate. I would ask him, “How would you feel if your dad came home from work and you went to go hug him and he walked away.” Tell him it would hurt your feelings, and you are hurting grandma’s feelings. Let him know he is a sweet boy, but just because he’s getting older doesn’t excuse him from being rude. I would call him on it when he acts out, and remind him, “Hey we are going to see grandma today, so if she gives you a high five, give her one back. That will make her day!”
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