WT 367: Growing Pains - Navigating the Challenges of the Parent-Child Relationship As An Adult
Adjusting to the dynamic of a parent-child relationship as an adult can be painful. Today Emily and Karen talk about the season of life they are in right now, and Karen answers your questions about extended family visits, aging parents, and even passive aggressive mother-in-laws. As with every episode, our goal is to give you tangible wisdom you can use this week to bring more peace to your home.
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Question 1: When my mom comes to visit, (she lives out of state and so will stay for a few days at a time) she is constantly cleaning up our home and it drives me nuts. She is a very tidy homemaker by nature and we have 3 kids at home - it’s never clean/tidy for very long. It makes me feel inadequate about the state of our home! I have asked her to sit down and just relax/enjoy the kids while she is here, but she’s just constantly buzzing around. Finding things to tidy, hand washing dishes, etc. How would you handle this?
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for your question. Okay, I’m going to answer you in two parts. ☺ One from the perspective of your mom, and one from your perspective. Let’s start with your mom:
She thinks she is helping you. Trust me. When I used to go visit Kelsey in CA or TX, I would “see” all the things, and that her hands were full with little ones, so I wanted to help. I would do the same thing, laundry, wash dishes, anything to help out. I remembered how over-whelming those days were so I thought if I can help that helps Kelsey. So, the next time she is “busy” just remember she is loving you. It maybe a little annoying, but that is the way she can show you.
From your perspective: I 100% understand how you feel. I actually feel that way when Greg comes home because he does the same thing, and I feel like I haven’t kept the house tidy enough for him. I even say, “Please sit down and just “be” with me”. Greg tells me the same thing, that he is trying to help me. So, with Greg and your mom, I think we both need to accept their help and push against feeling insecure. Bottom line, you and I are doing the best we can do. So, if they want to help we need to accept their help with no judgement. ☺ Listen, I’m speaking to myself as much as to you.
Tips for the future: I tell Greg, and maybe you could tell your mom: “Let’s clean up but at a certain time let’s stop and just “be” with each other. This may take some adjustment for the both of you, but hopefully you can work towards a happy medium.”
Don’t feel guilty! You are doing a great job!
Question 2: HELP, A few times now when I call or FaceTime with my mother, she says things like, “well if I was there”, or “if you were here…” It makes me feel as though the time I do spend with them isn't enough. I have attempted to speak to her about how I am feeling and almost always I am met with passiveness, defensiveness, and just annoying body language.
I have struggled with passive aggressive behavior and re-setting boundaries pretty much since I left the house when I was 18. There are many things I struggle with in having a better relationship with my mother but especially being a mom myself I am noticing more & more what is not healthy!
Karen’s Answer: First off, you are doing a great job with your mom :). I think when she says those statements, my reply would simply be, “I’ll take that into consideration.” And leave it at that. All you can do is do your best, and not worry about “how” she is handling everything. That is on her. When you are parenting your child ask God to show you if you are being passive aggressive in any way and then be sensitive to His prompting. That way you can stop it early on! Be confident in who you are, and don’t pick up any guilt bombs she maybe throwing your way.
Question 3: I’ve been married for almost 13 years. After we had our first child 4 1/2 years ago, my relationship with both in-laws became strained. My FIL mocked many of our parenting choices and belittled them. My MIL does not communicate well and is conflict avoidant so when she is upset, she doesn’t reach out or talk with us. My husband doesn’t really touch base with them, so I feel responsible to keep them in the loop and want them to be.
My Mom passed away before we had children and my Dad left when I was 2. I’ve tried so hard to pursue my MIL, and as long as she’s happy it’s okay. When she’s not, it’s horrible! My heart grieves the relationship I thought I would have with them. I’m trying way harder than they are and I’m really just done, but Jesus won’t let me be done. What do I do?
Karen’s Answer: No, Jesus doesn’t ever let us be done, because he is never done with us! That is a good thing, right? Okay, I would keep loving your MIL whether she responds or not. I would pray that Jesus would break down HER walls. Since she is a “conflict avoider”, you can’t change her, but you can show her that you are a safe person if and when she chooses to talk to you about things that she needs to share. Keep trying!
PRACTICAL TIP: Keep fighting for relationship. Even when it’s hard keep at it.
Question 4: I’m struggling to figure out how to navigate my relationship with my mom as she ages. She is in her late 70s, so she is just now starting to have some needs that she needs me to meet. For example, she still stands on a stool to dust the tops of her cabinets…just plain foolish at her age! I don’t need to be at the ER because of that. Is there a tactful way to have a conversation about areas I think she needs help with or things she should stop doing without overstepping my role as her daughter?
Karen’s Answer: I think you just sit your mom down and have a list of things she needs to stop doing, like the dusting of the cabinets. Let her know, when they get dusty, you will be happy to come over and help or ask your husband to do it. Say, “Mom you need to be smart about these things because I want you around for a long time.” As our parents age, we sort of become the parent with them, it’s not just your mom, it’s all of our parents. I think the key is to be loving and kind when we are talking with them, and remember they want to stay independent, so incorporate things that she can still do, while taking other things away.
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