WT 185: Communicating with your Elementary-Aged Child
Whether you're trying to understand what is actually happening during their school day, or struggling with an issue at home, today Karen answers your questions and shares wisdom on how to communicate so our school-age kids hear and understand us. Don't miss a short list of alternative questions to ask besides, "how was your day?" and Karen's approach to dealing with sibling jealousy. As always, we hope this conversation encourages you and gives you a practical nugget to carry into your mom world today.
Question 1: My daughter and I are very similar. We are both green/yellows - we like fun, but we also like our space to be respected. :) She recently started kindergarten, and I'm struggling to get her to tell me about her day. I often get the response, "I don't want to talk about it." I'm a working mom so I don't get a lot of time with her after school. I know she needs her down time, but I want to develop a habit of open communication with her now so that when big topics arise later, she feels comfortable telling me about them. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Karen’s Answer: Maybe when she gets home from school she’s worn out and has used up all of her words. Give her a little space. Let her go outside and play, clear her head from school. She might open up more after a few hours have passed. Emily is my Green/Yellow and she is a home body, sometimes school could overwhelm her. I tried to build in “down time” when she would come home from school, then after she had relaxed she would open up. Keep at it. This is not a sign that you two will not be close in the future, it’s just a little girl, dealing with the world. Be patient. Maybe ask different types of questions other than “How was your day?” Ask who she sat by at lunch, what was your favorite part of your day? Worst part? What is your favorite subject and why.
Question 2: My 6 year old daughter often talks about other kids not liking her, making fun of her, or not having friends. As far as I can tell, she is a well liked kid in school and church. I have a hard time believing that people are as mean to her as she says. I can’t tell if her perception is skewed or if she’s lying for attention. I do my best to build her up so she knows she is loved and valued. Please help me know how to talk with this very emotional girl!
Karen’s Answer: It might just be that she is sensitive, and people do like her, but she is being to critical on herself. When she says things like, “No one likes me”, tell her, “That’s not true, your teacher said you are very loved in the classroom”. It doesn’t sound like she’s lying, my girls had a tendency to say those types of things, I just always thought it was girls. Little girls have a tendency to be insecure when it comes to other girls. Keep doing what you are doing and try building her up, and don’t let her get away with the negative self talk.
Question 3: I am having trouble with my 5 year old daughter talking and getting in trouble for it at school. We have taken privileges and items away to let her know this is unacceptable behavior in school, but that has not helped. Because she and I are both red we bump heads a lot. Because I know my 5 year olds personality I thought I could get through to her about her talking in school but obviously I was wrong and she has not stopped. What advice can you give me how to get through to her? She is a very intelligent little girl and she is full of personality. I feel if I do not stop this behavior it will hurt her as she gets older and she will not learn the basic fundamentals in school.
Karen’s Answer: I would talk to her teacher and tell her teacher you back her up 100%, if she needs to take away recess, get onto her in class or whatever she thinks will work. I would tell your daughter that if she gets in trouble with the teacher, when she gets home, she will get in trouble with you, so that is double trouble. ☺ Tell your daughter that her job is to do well in school and not talk too much, you support the teacher 100%. Keep in mind she may just be a talker. I was a talker, and still am to this day. But, I ALWAYS got in trouble with it. I did learn however when to be quiet. But, it took a while.
Question 4: Karen, I love you and recommend you to every mom I meet, but I need your help! I just had my second child 5 weeks ago. My first is a 4 year old girl and my second is a boy. I underestimated how hard this transition would be for my daughter. Many days I find that she is more work than my newborn. She loves her brother and wants to hug, kiss, and hold him all the time but seems more sad than happy most days. I try to talk with her about it but she can’t explain what’s going on. She also seems to not listen more these days which earns her negative attention. She says things like, “no one helps me anymore,” and “no one thinks I’m beautiful,” and lastly “daddy, it makes me sad when you get on to me”. Help me help her get past this. On top of all of it, I’m tired and get fed up with her neediness and sadness so I feel like I’m not parenting the best I can. Thanks!
Karen’s Answer: I get it. Your sweet little girl is jealous, plain and simple. Maybe try talking to her and let her know that she is still and always will be very special to you. She will always be your first child and with that title comes so many things. Reminisce with her about when she was a baby and how it was when you held her for the first time, smiled at you for the first time, crawled, etc. You can even tell her you know it is a big adjustment welcoming in her new brother, but you have loved watching her be the best big sister ever! Tell her, that you are pretty busy right now with little brother, but in a little while you want to do something super special just with her, because you’ve missed your one on one time together. When she does act up, to get negative attention, I would ask her, “Why are you being this way? It’s not like you, you are such a sweet little girl and this is not like you.” Give her time to answer you, and maybe even let her go to her room until she can give you an answer. What this action will do is hopefully get her to start thinking about why she is acting the way she is acting. You can even say to her, “Are you jealous of the time I am spending with the baby?” Let me finish with this diaper and after I put him down we can read a story or play a game together.”
Show Credits:
Hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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