WT 188: Getting on the Same Page With Your Partner
Learning to do life alongside a spouse is a constantly evolving process. Similar to being a student of your child, we have to work to understand and connect with our partners, even after decades of marriage! In this episode, Karen tackles your questions about communication, what to do when you’re at an impasse with your husband, and of course, sex! Enjoy mommas!
Links from today’s show:
Connect with other like-minded mommas: Private BOAW Moms Facebook page
Wire Talk episode on sex: Intimacy After Babies with Dr. Mike
Take the BOAW personality quiz
Marriage study Sunny mentions: Walking Together
I Said This, You Heard That curriculum
The Five Love Languages for Couples
Question 1: My husband and I are looking for a good book hopefully with workbook on marriage. While studying temperaments to help with out children we determined he is a green and I am red with blue for emotional stuff. We are interested in learning to strengthen our communication skills. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Karen’s Answer: Great question! Greg and I just did a curriculum together called Parenting Together and there are several parts where you work on your communication skills with each other. Also, a good study is I Said This, You Heard That by NP Resources. Another one is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, because sometimes you are speaking two different love languages. Become a student of your spouse. Learn what his love language is, his temperament, his enneagram, the DISC test, all of it! Be a life long student of your spouse.
Question 2: Is it okay to put a boundary on sex? My husband and I are on two different levels here. For me, being with our 3 kids all day, if sex is on the table for the night it needs to happens before 11pm. For him he likes to unwind and watch something or spend his evening time doing something he wants and then crawls into bed at 11/11:30 and then is wanting to have sex and I try not to just shut him out completely.... but it’s too late for me!! I’m up multiple times in the night with the baby and sometimes the 2.5yr old, then our 4 yr old rises very early and my days are very full. I want to have that quality time with him but am I being too unreasonable to draw the line after 11pm??
Karen’s Answer: In this season of your life you are not being unreasonable at all. You are willing to have sex, just not late at night because you are tired. I would think your husband should understand that. Most men are willing and want to have sex anytime. ☺ Just tell your husband it is just for a season, not forever. Explain to your husband your side of the situation and pray God will open his eyes to your thinking.
Question 3: How do you decide which activities your kids can participate in and when it becomes too much? With a 1st, 3rd, and 5th grader, I realize that we are entering the next phase of the kids' lives where they want to be involved in different things. We went from only having piano lessons after school last year to this year having a daughter in ballet, my oldest in baseball and both boys in horseback riding. (Oh yeah, and we still take piano…) My husband does not enjoy having activities every night, and thinks all they need to do is school. His job makes it harder for him to help with things, but I also don't sense a willingness to ever help with dinner or driving. I grew up doing a variety of things so I don't agree. How do we develop a balance and find common ground here?
Karen’s Answer: I think you are going to both have to compromise. You give a little and your husband give a little. Maybe if you bend on the fact that your children might be over committed, and your husband can bend on the fact that there might could be one activity other than just school, that is your first step. Ask your husband if he is willing to come to the middle a little and you will too. If your husband is not excited about a lot of activities and it is important to you that your children are involved in a lot then the burden of driving and dinner plans will be on you. You have to ask yourself, “is it worth it to me, to do the extra or can I let this activity go?” But, I would start with a compromise. Take one season at a time. You don’t have to decide in 1st, 3rd, and 5th grade what they will do for the rest of their time at home.
Question 4: My husband and I are facing a big decision for our family that’s going to affect many facets of our daily lives. We completely disagree on what we should do, and I honestly don’t see us reaching a common understanding. As a Christian woman, what do I do? I truly don’t think what he wants to do is in the best interest of our family, but I know I’m supposed to submit. Do I just go along and leave it in God’s hands? I’m a total control freak so this has been so difficult for me.
Karen’s Answer: I get it. I would tell your husband 100% what your opinion is and why you think the way you do. Before you talk to your husband, I would pray that God would prepare his heart and yours. IF you are still at a stand still, I would seek outside counsel, a pastor or a counselor or someone you BOTH respect. Then, if you still cannot agree, as the wife I would submit, not because your husband is right, but because God tells you to submit. I always thought, “I am submitting to God not Greg.” That helped me. Then I would put my trust in God, and pray that he would eventually work it out. God always did in our marriage, but not always in the timeframe I wanted.
Show Credits:
Hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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