WT 247: Quality Time with Teenagers
Parenting teenagers means late nights, empty pantry shelves and more than a few tricky situations. Today Karen and Sunny answer your questions about getting quality time with your teen…plus, Karen shares her secrets to having the “cool” hang out house.
Mentioned on today’s show:
Question 1: How do you introverts handle evenings with teenagers?
My stepson is 15 and has a 10pm bedtime. My husband and I are both introverts and just need to turn off for a bit before bed to recharge to make it through the next day. We have 50/50 custody of our older kids (5 kids all together) so we usually get quality time as a couple when we only have our 2 year old. My stepson and husband are very close. They chit chat and play games together or my stepson just bugs the crap out of my husband for attention in the evenings. My husband isn’t good at putting his foot down to take care of himself.
I feel like I need to step in here more behind the scenes even if just for myself, but since I didn’t come into parenting this teen naturally and I’m the stepmom, I’m not sure what to even suggest. I’ve heard you talk about how the evenings are when teens will often open up, which I’ve seen happen. I feel like any direction I take with this issue is the wrong one. But my husband and I both need the quiet time after the 4 younger kids get to bed. Help!
Karen’s Answer: You have a busy full house to be sure! Okay, first off, great news is that your husband and step son are close. What a blessing! That is such a gift. I think your step son when he is bugging your husband it is because he wants attention, and wants his affection. I hear you saying you need your down time, but honestly when you have teenagers in the house, you just sort of have to get creative with the down time and try to find it other ways than at night. You can excuse yourself and go into your bedroom and “start” getting ready for bed, to carve out your time, but your husband may have to put more into his son’s relationship to keep it strong. Believe me, I am NOT a night person, ask any of my children. But, I had to pep up when they were teenagers and dig deep to find energy when my children wanted to open up. Now, there will be times, you both need to say, “We’ve had a hard day, so let’s talk about this issue tomorrow” but those need to be few and far between. With teenagers I personally think you just have to do what you need to do to keep communication open. I know your desire is to have down time after the littles go to bed, but you may have to sacrifice for your teen. Sort of like you did when your children were infants.
I’m sure there is a little bit of struggle on your husband showing you more attention than his son, and I can see that. You need to decide what you can live with and what you can’t live with. You and your husband can decide that together and then stick with that plan.
Question 2: We are having trouble with bedtime with our 9th grader! Do we give in or hold the line!? He gets up for school at 7:30 am. He thinks he needs exactly 8 hours of sleep and wants to go to bed at 11 to be asleep by 11:30. We require him to turn in phone before bed. I think he needs more like 9 ish hours of sleep! Do I need to let this go..??
Karen’s Answer: Personally, I’d let the 9 hours go but stick to turning in his phone before bed. I would not compromise on the phone! If a teen is getting 8 hours of consistent sleep, that is good! Bedtime is an easy area to give in a little, without losing any battles
Question 3: I am a peace-loving mama! How do I handle the conflict amongst my 3 teen daughters without losing my own peace and sanity? What are realistic expectations??!!
Karen’s Answer: I’m not sure what battles they are having. If it’s just fussing and arguing over silly things like clothes, makeup, friends, I would let them figure it out as much as possible. If they just don’t ever stop, I would start telling them they are going to have to stay home until they can get along. Expectations? They are teenagers, very hormonal and probably passionate about different things. Maybe do the color test with each of them and go over what each of their different needs are so they can start understanding each other. Plus that might be fun and interesting to them. Try and find ways to celebrate when they show the slightest effort to get along, and say, “I loved it when your sister asked you to wait for her ten minutes for school and you did, that shows me you are a caring person.” People loved to be praised!
Question 4: I have two boys, 12 and 16. My 16 year old literally never wants to be home. I know the excitement of driving and all is part of it. But he’d rather be with his friends anytime. At Thanksgiving this year, I felt like he went “through the motions” with us but ultimately wanted to go to his friend’s home. We weren’t doing anything special. We cleaned up dinner, played a board game, and he left. I’m hurt. 
When he is home he’s sleeping, watching a movie in his room, on his phone, or playing Xbox. I’m trying not to be controlling by forcing him to hang with us but it’s hurtful...We aren’t super entertaining for a teen I suppose...we don’t have people over much. My husband and I are pretty chill people, boring apparently.
Part of me worries because my family aren’t super close and neither is my husband’s family. I feel like it’s a generational curse that I don’t want to happen with my family. I also realize to a certain extent this is normal teen behavior. Any suggestions? Is this normal??
Karen’s Answer: You don’t have to have a generational curse. Don’t say that. ☺ It is ALL normal. Honestly I’d be happy that he helped clean up and played a game with the family. That is actually pretty good! Keep in mind he is 16 and friends are so very important to him right now in his life. My children were the same way. Do you like his friends? Are they good kids from good families? That is what I would be more concerned about. If they are good kids, I wouldn’t worry about it. Let him enjoy his friends, and he is still participating with your family so count your blessings. If you want him to stay home more, tell him to invite his friends over but make it fun. Order pizza, have a good movie on for them to watch and give them some space. Teens want to feel their freedom. You can easily turn your house into a funner house, you just need to be welcoming and have food! Food is the way to a teens’ heart.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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