WT 248: Why Can't My Kids Play Nicely?
From team sports to bedroom boundaries, your questions in this episode concern the problems we face when our kids refuse to play nicely. Get ready for some practical tips as always and a little bit of tough love from Karen: remember that your children aren't Instant Pots and some of this stuff is going to take time!
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Question 1: I’d love some advice about my four year old son who refuses to try new things. Most recently, we signed him up for soccer, which he loves playing with his dad. He is very athletic, is very excited to go to practice, and we know he would love it if he did it. He even has a couple kids from school he knows on the team. At the first practice and game, he refused to get on the field and even try. We tried everything we could to get him out there and he just says he doesn’t want to. It’s like he is embarrassed or nervous and can’t get past it. He’s done this with other things in the past too, and takes a while to warm up to new people (though he is outgoing, silly and a little wild around us and people he knows). We don’t know if we should be more forceful and make him do new things, or just let it play out and hope he does it at some point. We just don’t want him to regret missing out and feel bad about himself. This is a pattern I see continuing unless we figure something out. Thanks for any advice!!
Karen’s Answer: I personally wouldn’t stress about the soccer situation. I say that because I have been where you are, and have done exactly what you are doing, and I can tell you it does not work to “force” a child to do anything, in my opinion. He is four. Keep that in mind. He is outgoing and does things when he feels comfortable and with smaller environments. He doesn’t refuse to try soccer at home with his dad, it’s when he is on a big field, with lots of people and it’s uncomfortable for him. My Emily and Taylor were the exact same way! A year of growth and maturity can make a world of difference for your 4 year old, I’d let it go. It’s not worth it. It sounds to me like he is shy with new situations. I wouldn’t force him. The pattern might continue but what is the worst thing that would happen, your son grows up to be a little shy. Some people are. That is okay. Taylor was my most shy child, and now as an adult he isn’t shy at all. Let your son go at his pace, you and he will be happier in the long run.
Question 2: I have three kiddos 13, 11, and almost 5. Our rule has always been that anything in the playroom is shared as well as anything not in their room, no permission needed to play with it. But if it’s in someone’s room, then you must ask before playing or using it.
Also, we have tried to make each of them respect their sibling’s space. If they are asked to leave the room the need to do so. I have really been second guessing whether this was our best route. I feel like it has just made our kids territorial of their rooms and belongings.
My middle is always fussing at her siblings if they sit or lay on her bed, my youngest is always telling my oldest he isn’t allowed to be in her room, and in turn my oldest tells the youngest ‘no’ because she does the same to him. I am at my wit’s end with it and the heart issues I see. My question is how do I handle teaching kiddos to respect their siblings rooms/belongs while also not causing them to be territorial? How do you teach them to be willing to open their rooms up to their siblings?
Karen’s Answer: I don’t think you’ve made a mistake it’s just time to do a little adjustment. First thought is, your two older children are getting older and it makes sense they don’t want people to mess with their stuff. That is normal. I’d tell them that is okay and fine, but when they communicate it to their siblings they can communicate it in a nice way, not yelling or being hateful. If/when they are hateful in their requests, that is when I would address the situation. Listen, there is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to sit on your bed and mess it up. I don’t like that! That really bugs me because when I get into my bed, I want it to be clean and the sheets pulled tight. So I think that is fine your third is telling her opinion on that, it’s just in the way she is doing it. Think about it, if you walked into your room, and someone was going through all of your stuff, you more than likely wouldn’t like it. It’s the same with our children. I love the idea about the playroom and everything is community feel, but our rooms is more private. I would ease up on that and give your children the freedom to “own” their own room but address their heart and tone of voice when talking to their siblings. If they don’t correct their behavior, then I would punish them for that, not necessarily protecting what is theirs. Hope that helps.
Question 3: : I have two boys ages 5 and 3 and I’m expecting our 3rd in April. Lately our issue is that when I tell one of my boys to do something, the other one throws a fit because he wants to do it. For example: during bedtime tonight, I told everybody goodnight and asked my oldest to turn the lamp off. He did it and then my youngest threw a kicking/screaming fit because he wanted to be the one to turn the lamp off. I told him that it will be his job to turn the lamp off tomorrow night. Another problem for us is when my youngest is throwing a fit about something my oldest will start taunting him/laughing/rubbing in his face that he didn’t get to do “x”
My youngest is also starting to pick up on this “rub your face in it behavior,” this morning when it was his turn to turn the Christmas tree on and the oldest threw a fit, my youngest started going “ha ha! I turned the tree on!” Any tips on how to nip this behavior?
Karen’s Answer: Mine used to do that sort of thing too. It’s hard because while you are correcting the younger one, then you have to correct the older for taunting. What I did was, I would tell my older one, “because you just taunted your sister, you have lost the privilege of turning off the light switch for the next three days. ( or whatever time period) Same thing when the younger one does it. You of course give the speech to the one pitching the fit, “you will have your turn tomorrow. IF you act like this then you will lose your privilege of turning off the light.”
Question 4: I prayed for years for my older two children (who are now 6.5 and 5) to get along and play well together and the great news is that is happening most of the time now! But it has created a new problem where my almost 3-year-old is getting left out of the play the majority of the time. I am torn because some activities that they are really into right now (like Legos) the 3 year old cannot really play with the same way the older two can. So I understand, but I don't want her to always get left out either! I'm having a hard time walking the line of what times do I have them all play together and what times are okay (if any) for the older two to only play together. My two younger children are home Tuesdays and Thursdays and do play together those days (sometimes well sometimes not) but if my oldest is home my middle child plays with him and the toddler is often left out. Help!
Karen’s Answer: Well, If you have three one is normally left out. I hate to say that but that is the way it is. What I did was when the 3 yr old could play with the older two I’d tell the older ones, “Let her play and after an hour I will come get her and you all can play by yourselves”. That usually worked. But, sometimes, the 3 year old wasn’t mature enough to play for a length of time. So, you have to deal with that too. I would try and distract your 3 yr old and let the older ones play, you can do that in a way that the 3 yr old doesn’t notice. It would be nice if everyone got along all the time, but that is not reality, so keep the peace and keep the 3 year old occupied in other ways. When the 3 year old gets to be 5 he can join in the fun. Try not to think that just because the 3 yr old is left out now, it will be this way his whole life, it probably won’t. So, don’t dwell on that.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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